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Ask your average Pinoy what his ideal woman would be and invariably, you will get his answer: “Gusto ko ‘yung sweet.” Is it any wonder that almost every Filipino woman has mastered the art of being sweet? Even on television, print advertisements, and commercials, the apparent intrinsic message to women is to be sweet, simple, and easy to please. Young girls whose only cosmetic is light baby lotion, if the commercials are to be believed, are already experts at wielding their innocent charm in a sweet manner. Same goes for the wives and mothers caring for their husbands and babies, preparing the meals, waiting at home until their brood and their man return from a day’s work and school. I’ve even heard would-be mothers-in-law take a verbal dislike to their son’s girlfriends on the damning grounds that the women in question were not “sweet.” You could almost say that being “sweet” is practically a cultural train for Filipinas. It’s the way we’ve been conditioned.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice
And what does being sweet mean, exactly? Those I asked, for the most part, agree; the term is a function of behavior as opposed to appearance. Guys especially did make general remarks about clothing and make-up, as in: “sweet girls dress simply, and wear very light make-up.” Still the predominant characteristics associated with being sweet were being cariñosa, being easy to please and easy-going, being unassuming, and even-tempered. In short: being sweet involves being the princess that we all read about in the fairy tales. Snow White or Cinderella. Maria Clara.

Someone sweet does not lose her temper easily. She does not complain or grumble about difficult things: rather she will be patient and tolerant of the various negatives that come her way. She will always be a pleasure to come home to, always see to everyone’s needs, especially those of her man. A sweet girl is soft-spoken, gentle, and has a winning way about her. The McCann-Erickson National Women’s Study confirms these ideas. The average Pinay does put her children and family first. In her “spare time”—an unfortunate irony—Filipina wives willingly do household chores, cook or tutor their children. Certainly, society has cast its approval on this kind of woman, so giving and so sacrificial. Every wedding you attend attests to the fact. As part of the ceremony, while the grooms are admonished to “be faithful” the blushing brides are urged to love their husbands and to submit to them. Celebrity host Bing Loyzaga (wife of Janno Gibbs), gives her tips for a good marriage. “Be sweet to your husbands.” She urges wives—even working wives—to see to their husband’s clothes everyday, and even get his briefcase ready, if you can. She suggests that wives call or beep their husbands during the lunch hour to tell him their thinking of him. These little things, so Bing says, will help strengthen your marriage and let it endure. For the most part, it is a formula that works—at least as far as appearances go.

Are You a Sweetheart?
At face value, these are all good things. It’s good for a woman to be sweet. Good for the marriage and the good of the family. But is it really and truly and completely good for her? Society’s implicit message to Filipina women is that for the sake of peace and order, an enduring marriage—and thus, a happy family life—a woman should be sweet. Young, unmarried women should be sweet in order that they find a man, get a husband, make a life. They should be sweet to their boyfriends so that these men will want to marry them. Yet, it occurs to us to ask is there such a thing as being to sweet?

The Problem of Sweet Sacrifice
The danger in being so sweet is that we come to believe that this trait is the sum total of who we are. Or even more frightening is how we are led or conditioned to believe that being sweet is the sum total of how we should be. It is in this way that so many women lose themselves; unable to assert or express their needs or desires, firmly holding the belief that these are not as important as being sweet is. As a noted feminist and writer on women’s issues, Anne Roiphe, writes “Women, in particular, are often asked to postpone, to give up, to detour for the sake of the relationship, for the sake of duty, of motherhood, of community. We’re supposed to gain satisfaction through our moral righteousness, in our golden goodness, as we turn away from what we really want. No wonder most women have come to accept the sacrifice of the self as essential to survival. No wonder so many women have headaches, backaches, etc. Self-sacrifice is pain. It gives you a pain to be so good all the time.”

Many women who were sweet girlfriends fall into the trap of being so faithfully, stickily sweet, they render themselves unable to say what is it they want. Perhaps this is why so many of us tend to fall into the childish trap of whining, cajoling, or coaxing. This manner of “getting what we want” is supposed to be “better.” Now, there is truly no logic in that—just ask any average Pinoy guy.

The other danger? Simply, a loss of self. A woman can get to a point of being so sweet and so easy-going, so tolerant and so easy-to-please that she actually loses sight of who and what she is. We’re not talking of give and take and compromise, both of which are necessary in any kind of relationship. We’re talking her of what happens when a woman overlooks behavior that violates her person through infidelity, physical or emotional abuse, or simply not being “allowed” to do things all in the name of being sweet. Sacrifice within a relationship of mutual love and respect, is rewarded in kind.

So many of the submissively sweet girlfriends I’ve known have indeed become unhappy wives because of it. I’m not saying it happens to everyone but it does happen, too often to be taken lightly.

What the Sweethearts Have to Say
Karen was a typical soft-spoken sweetheart of a girlfriend. A vibrant young woman who worked in the administrative department of a local bank, she was everything her boyfriend, Boyet, dreamed of in a wife. For her part, Karen says she fell in love and was therefore, willing to do anything he said. After a short period of courtship, Boyet asked Karen to marry him. Two months after they were wed, he asked her to quit her job for the sake of their future children. This, despite the fact that they didn’t have any yet. Although she enjoyed her job very much, Karen complied, feeling it her duty to follow her husband. At his request, she learned to cook his favorite meals and dressed only in outfits that he pronounced fitting for his wife. When Boyet wanted to make love, she was there, ready for him, even though she didn’t really feel like it sometimes. “After two years, I really thought I was going crazy. I started to hate him. We still didn’t have any kids but I was really glad. I would have dreams of having my marriage annulled. I would look in the mirror and I couldn’t recognize myself. I knew it was my fault. He thought I was really like this and I pretended to be like this but I realized, hindi ko kaya ‘to.”

Gretchen, at 25, is gradually finding out it’s hard to be sweet all the time. She and her boyfriend Alex have been dating for the past three years. Now they’re engaged. “But I’m really beginning to have second thoughts. Before, it was so easy to slip into this sweetie-sweetie role. He liked it, I liked him. But now that I’m facing the rest of my life with him, I’m starting to show the real me. Or at least, the other parts of me. And he hates it, and I hate it too. I don’t think we’re going to end up together.”

Lou, 35, is separated from her husband. “In my mother’s generation, it wouldn’t have happened.” She recounts how they fell in love with each, with roles. More specifically, he fell for this sweet young girl who did everything he wanted her to do and more. “I was young. We had our kids. But I don’t know. I grew up. I started to stand up for what I wanted. And he couldn’t take it.” Lou and her husband are now separated and she is raising the kids. Her husband is now seeing a young girl who, as Lou tells it, “reminds me of myself.” They are trying to get an annulment.

A Balance Between the Sweet Beauty and the Bitchy Beast
Obviously, the problem comes from the way we Filipino women are conditioned. Or more accurately, the way all women are conditioned. Says Professor Jean Baker Miller in the book, Toward a New Psychology of Women, she says: “Women come to believe they should want to respond at all times in all ways. Clearly women need to allow themselves to take openly, as well as to give. But as women begin to seek this new integration, they will be working again a complicated opposition. (They will even be called selfish).

It seems to be a problem of extremes. If you aren’t sweetly selfless, are you necessarily selfish? Surely, women as well as men, deserve to assert themselves, express themselves and their needs. It merits some thought, I think on the part of all women.

I’m not saying, give up your sweetness. Sure, cuddle up to him on long nights. Give him a backrub. Offer to cook him a meal or just give a hug because you know he needs it. But do draw a line at doing things just because he wants you to do them (especially if you don’t necessarily want to do them). Show him a little of your temper. A little of your fiery side. Speak up and tell him what you want. At the same time, though you may not want to be the sweet beauty all the time, resist the trap of being a bitchy beast.

And consider this true story. A philanderer was once asked, “Why were you unfaithful to your wife, that first time?” The man thought long and hard. Then he answered, “She was my ideal woman. She was sweet and loving, a good mother, homemaker and a good wife. Everything I said she would do. She called me at work incessantly. She gave in to my every whim. But after a while, I got bored. She was too sweet.”

Reprehensible behavior, and certainly no one should condone it. But it does make you think, doesn’t it?