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There are no words to describe the pain you feel when the one you love betrays you for another. And yet it happens all the time.

The stories are passed on and on from mother to daughter, aunt to niece, cousin to cousin, friend to friend. Women whisper behind closed doors, hiding their swollen, blood-wept eyes behind dark glasses and trying to piece their lives together with the shreds and shards of the broken everyday. The most innocent items yield blows like sharp knives and steel pipes. Someone else’s lipstick. The scent of someone’s else’s perfume. The receipts for flowers bought for another. A photograph. A love note tucked into his pocket that he’s forgotten to surreptitiously remove.

These are the mementos of the collective pain suffered by many women, regardless of race, creed or socio-economic status, when the man they love betrays them for another.

We all share in that heartache. The pain is no less bearable whether it is a boyfriend who cheats on you or a fiancée or a husband. The hurt is the same. We don’t even have to know the woman experiencing it. We would never wish it even on our worst enemy. No matter how old the story gets or that it seems we’ve heard it all before. We feel a stab to the heart as keenly as if we ourselves were betrayed. Perhaps it’s because we do not know whether one day, we too might have to experience the same misfortune.

As far as this country and this culture goes, the philandering husband is an institution that crosses all socio-economic levels, occupations, and educational attainments. Men are unfaithful to their wives or girlfriends—from the provincial farmer to the big city lawyer, the factory worker to the high-placed politician. It is not unheard of for a man, generally a few years after he marries, to involve himself with someone else—someone younger or prettier, someone different from the woman he married, now the mother of his children and the keeper of his house.

Should the man happen (as he sometimes does) to impregnate the other woman, he is then obliged to support her, house her and support the child she bore him. The woman then becomes that other familiar cultural institution, the querida. But that’s another article.

Of course, the cheating does not have to escalate to this level to do damage to a woman’s life and heart. If a married man goes to massage parlors or karaoke bars and has relations with sex workers, that’s cheating. If a husband decides to have a small meaningless fling with an office colleague or the stereotypical secretary, that’s cheating. If a guy with a girlfriend, asks other girls out on dates and sleeps with them if they are willing, that’s cheating too. Even at this most superficial level, the cheating is tiresomely prevalent. And although some women have been known to cheat as well on husbands and boyfriends, it’s nevertheless acknowledged by members of both genders: being unfaithful is predominantly a man’s art.

The Question Remains. Why?
As the preface of The Philandering Husbands: Tips For Wives, authored by Dr. Teresita U. Quirino and Dr. Angela Peredo-Sarile, acknowledges, “It is a fact that in the Philippines, unlike countries in Europe, North America and Australia, husbands tend to have more mistresses. Some Filipino men believe that they have this special prerogative to enjoy sex with other women for as long as they give their wives comfortable lives, buy them jewelry, take them on trips, buy them cars and come home every night.

Since divorce is not allowed in the Philippines, wives who cannot take care of themselves must tolerate and live with their scoundrel husbands.” But must they really?

If you ask the men, at least, those few who are honest enough to even acknowledge their gender’s inclination to be unfaithful, they may tell you that they know the hurt their cheating causes. But then they hem and haw and rationalize as Manny, 33, an administrator does. “My wife would be devastated. Which is why she will never, ever know. I don’t love these women. I love her. I would never hurt her.” The men do not defend themselves, and many are more than willing to admit they’re wrong. But there are, they persist valid reasons why they are powerless to restrain themselves. The most commonly cited reason is gravely explained by Fred, 29, a real estate executive now seeking a wife: “Women don’t know how difficult it is for men. The temptations we are subject to are simply too much to bear.” Lawrence, 28, a salesman supports him. “There are just too many pretty women out there.”

The Difference Between Men & Women
“Men are different.” “Sex is meaningless for us.” For us, sexual intercourse can have nothing to do with love.” “It’s lust, not love.”

These quotes need not be attributed to any one person; all are actual speeches from countless men who have been asked the question. We’ve heard them and we’ll probably continue hearing them have sexual intercourse. But it is not necessary for him to involve what’s inside his heart or his mind. As Billy in the television series, Ally McBeal, says “With men, (sexual infidelity) it’s just body parts.” In order for a woman, however, to have sexual intercourse, she must literally let someone enter her. In effect, let someone in. This of course makes it difficult for women to separate the inside from the outside. A woman must know the man, must have feelings for him…because a woman can’t let just anyone have relations with her. It figures that men encounter no such difficulty.

The Evolutionary Theory of Polygamy
Another widely-proposed reason is the theory that men are genetically inclined to be polygamous, making it difficult, if not impossible, for them to stick with one sexual partner throughout their entire life. Ramon, 30, a writer and entrepreneur explains it so completely, his words are here in full: “Men are programmed to be polygamous and Darwinian theory supports me on this. Animals act to propagate the species. In the days when humans were nomadic jungle living creatures whose every day was a struggle for survival, one of the ways to prevent their extinction was to breed as much as possible. Evolution programmed men this way and that programming is still in our genes today. Though there’s no longer a need to impregnate every female, the basic desire for sex with numerous partners is still there, imbedded in our genetic make-up.”

A convenient theory that unfortunately makes some sense. Certainly, this is the reason that perhaps countless cheaters have depended on to excuse and perhaps justify his infidelity. But if polygamy is indeed intrinsic to the primal nature of the male, does it follow that the male cannot deny this nature? In the genetic make-up of the female is the drive to care and nurture her young. Yet everyday, many females go out into the workforce leaving their offspring in the care of others, denying their nature because they have to respond to a demand made my contemporary life: the need to make money. Surely, the contemporary institution of marriage demands of males a similar sacrificial denial?

Eloquently, Ramon concedes, “I’m not saying men are hopelessly incapable of monogamy. But this does indicate that men, are not by nature, monogamous.

I Want to Be a Macho Man
Although this is supposedly the age of the sensitive, progressive man, there are still men out there who believe that the number of women they bed, whether or not they are married, is directly proportional to how macho they are. How much of a man they are. Having relations with many women, the theory says, contributes to a man’s self-image, bolstering his ego to unprecedented heights. Some even believe that having sexual experiences with other women make them better lovers for their wives.

According to Carol Botwin, author of Men Who Can’t Be Faithful, some men go through a stage where they really cannot be committed to one person regardless of what they say. This includes especially men who are not yet bound by a marriage contract. Naturally, they feel freer to seek the sexual company of other women despite verbal commitments. Women betrayed by their boyfriends should take care of her words. “A man in his early twenties may simply need more time to grow up. No matter how much he wants a relationship with you, he feels an urge to experiment before settling down. Even if he is terrific in other ways, you have to recognize that you have become involved with him at the wrong time in his life.

Gerry, 32, now faithfully married to the girlfriend he cheated on in the past, tells a very honest account of his unfaithful exploits. “We’d been together for four years since school. She was only my second girlfriend and I hadn’t been with anyone else. I loved her, but at the same time, I was curious. There was chemistry between myself and a secretary at the office and one thing led to another. I felt guilty for going behind my girlfriends’ back…but at the same time, I thought I’m of age, I’m not married, it isn’t adultery.” Gerry concedes now that the mature thing to do would have been to tell his girlfriend so they could have taken a break from each other. “But then, we might not have gotten back together. It’s not true that if he cheated you before you were married, he will cheat on you once you are.” He says boyfriends cheat on their girlfriends because of a combination of lust, curiosity and immaturity. “I don’t know any guy who really feels he’s a better man the more women he sleeps with.”

The Failings of Filipino Society
The ever-popular explanation espoused by both men and women, especially the older generations, is that men cheat because the conventional Filipino society allow them to. The supposedly natural tendency towards polygamy is encouraged and even perpetuated by society. The McCann-Erickson Male Study found that Filipino men, spoiled by their Filipino mothers, are little boys who believe they can have their cake and eat it too.

But the permissiveness does not end there. Filipina women too are conditioned to overlook their husband’s indiscretions. So much so that when a wife confesses to her friends in tears that her husband has had an affair, the older, more experienced women chide her gently, “Yan lang ba ang problema mo?” For the average Pinay, a good husband is “a good provider and a good father” and for so long as these two qualifications are met, wives should look the other way. “Loyalty and faithfulness” don’t make the list of requirements for a husband.

Psychiatrist and family therapist, Dr. Myrna N. Quintos, says men committing marital infidelity are so common, cases need not even be documented. “These are stories that come from familiar faces, told by voices we know. And though infidelity is not exclusive to our country, our culture does condone it.” She describes too how the Filipino, being a moral character, manages to convince himself he is moral even within an immoral situation. “For so long as a philanderer continues to come home to his wife, support and educate his children and provide for his family, he has fulfilled his obligations as husband. The affairs he has or even a second family can be overlooked.” In fact, Filipina women have been overlooking infidelity for generations.

The Madonna Whore Complex and the Thrill of the Unfamiliar
Susan Crain Bakos, author of What Men Really Want: Straight Talk From Men About Sex suggests that frequently the Madonna-Whore Complex is the reason for the sexual infidelities of many men. There are, apparently, men who love their wives so much that they are unable to ask for more risqué sexual techniques or styles in bed. Says one case, “I can’t ask my wife to give me oral sex or to let me climax in her mouth, but I have no problem asking another woman. Sometimes, I don’t even have to ask.” These men claim to love their wives but they also claim they are not satisfied by them.

Novelty is exciting. Variety. In this way, the predictable moves of their views or long term partners gradually become ineffective, and men are forced—so they say—to seek sexual pleasure and satisfaction outside the marriage. Another case gives his reasons: “I love my wife. But it’s like having apple pie and vanilla ice cream every night of your life. I’ve had affairs with other women, and twice she’s caught me at it. She thinks I’m seeking the excitement of a new woman. It’s only partly that. When I cheat on her, it’s with a woman who will do things she won’t.”

Bakos also put the six million-peso question to men and the answers they gave demonstrate the spectrum. But one man says, “She could give me everything I want, but at some point, I would still be vulnerable to another woman…just because she’s different.”