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Rumor has it that men are always in heat. The truth is, there are more than a few women who are frustrated by their man’s lagging libido. Sound familiar? If it does, don’t read him the riot act; nagging your man for being a deadbeat in bed will only lead to more deprivation. Instead, check out what the experts—sex therapists and sexually satisfied men and women—say about why your partner’s passion potential may have halted and what you can do to get your fair share.

The End-of-the-Thrill Chill
Even if your man’s lovemaking style has been more Don Knotts than Don Juan right from the start, there’s a good chance that his passion peaked during the first few months of your relationship. But when the lust settles and you’ve eased into the comfort zone, the desire chasm often widens, asserts Sharyn Wolf, a New York City couples counselor and author of How to Stay Lovers for Life (Dutton, 1997), because women tend to become more explorative and uninhibited as their trust in a lover increases over time, while men crave the proverbial thrill of the chase.

Familiarity doesn’t have to breed boredom, however. “There is a lot of newness you can continually instill in a relationship,” insists sex therapist Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., author of 50 Ways to Please Your Lover While You Please Yourself (Dutton, 1997). Don’t let him take you for granted; do something different. Mike, 29, a general contractor, knows how a little newness can go a long way: “I made plans to meet my fiancée at a bar and ordered a beer before realizing she had already arrived. While I was waiting to get served, we made eye contact, but she continued talking very flirtatiously with the man standing next to her. I watched as she seductively pulled cherries off a toothpick with her teeth and fingered the straw in her glass. After a few minutes, she made her way over to me and planted a hard kiss on my lips. I wanted to throw her up on the bar right then and there, but I waited until we got home.”

He’s Too Stressed for Sex
Day-to-day interferences such as work, cash-flow concerns, and family responsibilities rank at the top of hot-sex wreckers. If you sense that something is eating at him, try talking it out, suggests Barbach. Say something like, “You seem really stressed lately. Want to let me know what’s bothering you?” If he spills, listen and be supportive. But if he clams up, don’t push him for an answer—or for sex.

Instead take the pressure off by giving him a massage or just cuddling. It may stop there, but the extra understanding and physical attention could end up arousing him. One such incident: “After being turned down for a job, I was a basket case,” says Jerry, a 35-year-old businessman. “One night, my wife drew a warm bath and told me to get in. Then she slid behind me and started washing my body. It felt so good, I was finally able to put my problems aside and concentrate on something else for a while—like how much I love making love to my wife.”

He’s Pissed
If your man hasn’t been putting out, there’s a chance that he’s just angry—perhaps about the way you spoke to him at dinner that evening or about the argument you had two weeks ago—and this is his indirect way of dealing with it. You can ask him if you pushed his hot buttons; if he is pissed, talking it through should be enough to re-ignite your sex life. But he may not even be conscious of his passive aggressiveness, so you might want to do a little private investigating. Think about when he turned off his sex valve, then try to recall what could have happened to get him so riled.

Margie, a 34-year-old sales representative from Quezon City, had to do some sleuthing to pinpoint when and why her husband’s attitude toward sex shifted: “After analyzing our dry spells, I concluded that my husband always seemed less interested in sex after visiting my family,” says Margie. “When I finally mentioned this to him, he explained how my parents and I would unwittingly go on endlessly about my ex-boyfriend, whom they loved. It made him feel like a loser. Now, we don’t discuss him in my husband’s presence, and visits to my parents don’t result in a period of celibacy.”

Your Sex Drives Don’t Mesh
“To some degree, a man’s sex drive—and yours—is set biologically,” explains Barbach. “If he’s not as into sex as he once was, or if he has never been as horny as you are, it doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you.” Keep in mind, too, that for a variety of reasons, libidos ebb and flow over the course of a lifetime. Like the stock market, they can go up and down and back up again. If your drives don’t gel, you may just have to live with it—either for a little while or forever.

His lack of interest, however, might possible be due to some kind of medical problem, such as depression, anxiety, or even a heart condition. Try to convince him to have a complete physical to rule out any physiological problem. And some medications (such as Prozac) could be curbing his sexual appetite, in which case a simple change in the prescription would be a fast fix.

You’ve Both Let Yourselves Go
Love may be unconditional, but attraction isn’t. “If you’ve gained a lot of weight and think he’s not wild about your shape anymore, go do something about it. Join a gym,” suggests Wolf.

If his physique has gone downhill, it could be doing a number on his ego, which would definitely dampen his sex drive. Or he could be sluggish in the sack because he’s downing a diet of energy-draining fast food. Gently encourage him to shape up. Cook healthier meals together. Do exercises with each other—go for a run, and then join him for a hot, steamy post-workout shower. Above all, remind him that you still find him sexy, spare tire and all.

“I’ve been with Roger for two years, so whenever I feel like our sex life is waning, I shamelessly gush to him about how much he turns me on,” admits Bambi, 24, an accountant from Makati. “Having someone act so totally into you is actually a huge aphrodisiac—it usually sends him straight into hump mode.”

Irreconcilable Differences
Despite his other redeeming qualities, if the sex isn’t satisfying and you’ve tried all of the above, there’s a chance you can re-ignite the passion with the help of a counselor. But if the problem is very serious—he’s having an affair or has fallen out of love with you—the relationship may be doomed.

“When I would curl up behind my husband in bed, he would inch over so close to the edge, he’s practically fall off,” recalls Anna, a 26-year-old graphic designer from Marikina. “I knew something was wrong because he had always been so into sex. And I was right. He finally came clean and told me that he wanted to separate.”

If you’re unhappy with your sex life, tell him in no uncertain terms that something needs to be done, suggests Barbach. If three months have passed since you’ve sounded the alarm and he’s still unwilling to make it better, it may be time to call it quits.