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November 01, 2006

When Should You Marry?

The evidence is in: How old you are does make a difference when it comes to post honeymoon bliss. Here's the low-down on the best time to scratch the itch to get hitched.
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We’ve all heard the cautionary tales: Baby brides who walked down the aisle too young and were separated before their 30th birthdays; older women struggling to land a man or to have a baby. Stories that beg the question: “In marriage, is timing everything?” Since a whopping 90 percent of us will wed at least once by the age of 50, we’ll all find ourselves facing when-to-tie-the-knot fears.

But is there a perfect age to wed? Well, yes and no. Several experts cite the 28-to-32 range as having the ideal blend of energy and experience. “There are advantages and disadvantages to marrying in your 20s, just as there are for marrying in your 30s,” says David Popenoe, Ph.D., head of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. “But those pros and cons are very different, so it comes down to what matters most to you.” Marrying at an age that best compliments your priorities—kids, career, sex—ups your chance to living happily ever after. Here, Cosmo has compiled the “I do” data that determines your best decade to get hitched.

If you want…mega sex
Advantage: 20something brides
If your criterion for a great marriage is a ready, willing, and able partner for a 24-7 sexfest, then you’d better tie the knot while you’re young. According to a poll in the U.S. of nearly 4,000 newlyweds of all ages conducted by researcher Barry Sinrod and his newlywed daughter, Marlo Grey, the most prolific do-it duos are in their 20s. after one year of marriage, 20something couples report having sex 24 times a month versus 17 times for 30somethings (which isn’t shabby either).

With so much boinking going on, these 20somethings know they have to bust erotic ruts before they start. “Couples in their 20s seem far more experimental in bed than those in their 30s,” says Sinrod, who published the results in Just Married: A Sexy, Irreverent, Eye-Opening Look at How We Met, Dated, and Married the One We Love (Andrews McMeel Publishing, 1998). And the young and horny husbands can’t take all the carnal credit: The youngest brides are way more likely than their older counterparts to grab their partners and get it on when the mood strikes them.

If you want…affair-proof love
Advantage: 30something brides
According to the National Option Research Center at the University of Chicago, extramarital affairs in the U.S. (like here) are most common among younger adults, ages 18 to 29. “These couples often haven’t had enough sexual experiences or aren’t mature enough to handle being with one person for life,” says Lana Staheli, Ph.D., author of Affair-Proof Your Marriage (HarperCollins, 1998). “They feel like they are missing out on something, so they stray.” Keep an eye on guys who marry at 25 and younger. “That’s the age when men are most likely to cheat,” says Staheli. “Their hormones are raging, so they crave more sex.”

Sinrod’s research also supports the idea that younger equals less faithful. According to his study, 20somethings are more likely than couples in their 30s to have been tempted by the fruit of another since their wedding day.

If you want…a killer career
Advantage: 30something brides
If you’re intent on climbing the corporate ladder, you may want to squelch your urge to tie the knot. “Couples who marry young are more likely to follow traditional gender roles—the husband is the primary wage earner; the wife takes care of the home,” says Jaine Carter, Ph.D., co-author of He Works She Works (cartercarter.com, 1996). “The 20something male ego isn’t secure enough yet to accept that a woman can be his partner in the bedroom and the boardroom.”

Generally, women and men who marry later have an equal view of their vocations. And once your work life has gained a certain momentum, it’s not likely to be derailed by the demands of marriage. “Couples in their 30s are in a better position to call the shots professionally,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., founder of the Family Research Laboratory in Seattle. “They don’t have to put in crazy hours to prove themselves like 20somethings do.”

If you want…as many kids as you can handle
Advantage: 20something brides
As you probably already know, the longer you wait to make babies, the harder it will be to get pregnant. But you may not realize just how much harder. “Starting at age 31, your ability to become pregnant starts to drop every few years or so, each dip more dramatic than the last,” says Zev Rosenwaks, M.D., director of the Center for Reproductive Medicine and Fertility at Weill Medical College of Cornell University in New York City. “So by the time you hit 35, your chances are significantly lower than when you were 29. At 40, the fertility rate plummets.” In fact, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are more than five times as many first children born to women 29 and younger than those who are 30 and older.

Sure, there are wonderful options for infertile couples today, but they’re limited. “Advanced reproductive technologies can’t overcome the barriers of nature,” says Dr. Rosenwaks. The bottom line is: If you know you want to have a baby, don’t put it off.

If you want…fewer financial freakouts
Advantage: 30something brides
Brides who want big bucks will benefit from waiting a bit before their nuptials. “When couples marry in their 20s, money causes a lot of stress,” says Judith Siegel, Ph.D., a marital therapist and associate professor at the Ehrenkraz School of Social Work at New York University. “Both men and women envy their single friends who are buying what they want and having fun, but they feel they should save for a house and pay off debts like married people are ‘supposed’ to do.”

This isn’t as big an issue for brides at 35. Obviously, the older you are, the further along you are in your career and the more money you have for fun and the future.

If you want…fair fights
Advantage: 30something brides
For those of us who can’t bear battles royal with our Romeos, marrying in your 30s ensures fewer feuds. “You’re more willing to compromise and less impulsive as you grow older,” says Susan Heitler, Ph.D., author of The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage (New Harbinger, 1997). “And when you do become upset, it’s highly unlikely you’ll make a scene.” Sinrod’s survey backs this idea: Couples in their 20s have the greatest tendency to scream and break things when fighting with their spouses.

While the 30something newlyweds are probably mellower, Sinrod also found they are also more likely to set aside time to talk together every day. “Good communication protects marriages when conflicts arise,” he says. Younger newlyweds are less likely to make talking one-on-one priority—so it’s no wonder that things quickly get out of hand when they don’t see eye to eye.

If you want…a sense of belonging
Advantage: 20something brides
In most parts of the world, the 20s are the picture-perfect decade for saying I do. The farther you stray from that magic age, the more freakish you start to feel. An article in a 1998 issue of the Journal of Family Issues confirms that being unmarried in your 30s can be bad for your state of mind because you feel like an outcast.

“Women who aren’t married by 30 become anxious and think, I’ll never find anyone!” says Popenoe. These negative feelings don’t immediately go away once the ring is on the finger. Older brides often have to fight off fears that people will think there is something wrong with them for having waited so long or that they had to rope their men into marrying at all. It seems that for an “I’m normal” peace of mind, the 20something brides have the edge.

If you want…no regrets
Advantage: 30something brides
Age and experience beat out youth. “More mature couples have had a number of relationships that haven’t worked out,” says Heitler. “They won’t take the leap unless they know it’s right.”

Young couples might have a more idealized notion of relationships. So when they find themselves in a reality that falls short of perfection, they want out. “Nearly all those who said they regretted marrying were women in their 20s,” says Sinrod. They amounted to only 9 percent of the Just Married newlyweds surveyed.

Tags: wedding, marriage
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Filter comments by:
  • apple Dec 02 2006 @ 02:47pm Report Abuse
       
    This article is an eye-opener. A realistic one...Now, no need to worry
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:12pm
  • zoe Dec 05 2006 @ 07:50pm Report Abuse
       
    should you marry?
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:12pm
  • Denise Dec 11 2006 @ 01:03pm Report Abuse
       
    I'm 25 and getting married next year. That last statement was scary!!!
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:11pm
  • doubledutch Dec 11 2006 @ 05:44pm Report Abuse
       
    thanks for this article..
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:11pm
  • chino Dec 22 2006 @ 05:45am Report Abuse
       
    mag-asawa ka na
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:11pm
  • Annie Jan 04 2007 @ 03:46pm Report Abuse
       
    I don't need to marry right away, I still have dreams to fulfill, getting marry is easy, keeping it is the hard part
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:11pm
  • cristine Jan 09 2007 @ 04:29pm Report Abuse
       
    ì`m getting married this month and this article makes me feel more secure that i´m doing the right thing and this want i want in my life. thanks and more power.
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:10pm
  • dduchess Jan 18 2007 @ 03:59pm Report Abuse
       
    hmmm...very insightful for those thinking of getting hitched this year... :-)
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:10pm
  • sophie Jan 19 2007 @ 01:46pm Report Abuse
       
    great article..though I'm here in california I still get the chance to to be updated in these issues...thanks
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:10pm
  • toughchick112 Jan 25 2007 @ 03:35pm Report Abuse
       
    madali lang mag-asawa, problema lang Financially.Dapat both parties are stable financially stable.. Nowadays couples are very particular to their future. well there is really nothing wrong in marrying its every girls dream, however it should be or it should go as the brides dream and the grooms dream also ( budget) ;-)
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:10pm
  • innocentangel Feb 01 2007 @ 03:37pm Report Abuse
       
    This is informative, nice one.
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:10pm
  • chocolate Feb 06 2007 @ 08:17pm Report Abuse
       
    wow, very impressive article. makes me think a million times before getting married. i agree that most younger couples have more fights and is always egoistic. :)
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:10pm
  • MEEmee Feb 21 2007 @ 12:43am Report Abuse
       
    28-32, im only 20 lets say i have 10 more years to go if i want my marraige to work...
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:07pm
  • happyforever Feb 21 2007 @ 03:42am Report Abuse
       
    this is a great article... almost everyone gets married once they're financially and emotionally prepared. didn't know sex is a part of planning..
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:07pm
  • grace Mar 01 2007 @ 10:07am Report Abuse
       
    Ang ganda ko susyal
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:07pm
  • shoelace Mar 01 2007 @ 11:01pm Report Abuse
       
    wow. good guide. well, i guess i should really marry at 30-something. but... have to find a groom first. hehe.
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:07pm
  • jen Mar 10 2007 @ 03:30pm Report Abuse
       
    I'm at the right age,30.
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:06pm
  • liz Mar 24 2007 @ 01:03pm Report Abuse
       
    i guess i'm on the right track then ;)
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:06pm
  • laracroft May 03 2007 @ 07:59pm Report Abuse
       
    at last! im m0re c0nfident with my decisi0n t0 get hitched next year. n0 m0re sleepless nights, hehe!!
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 05:03pm
  • devan Aug 13 2007 @ 12:27pm Report Abuse
       
    When should you marry
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 04:59pm
  • sherlai16 Sep 10 2007 @ 09:07pm Report Abuse
       
    yah ryt!
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 04:58pm
  • alanine Sep 30 2007 @ 05:53am Report Abuse
       
    the only downside of marrying at 30s is the reproductive aspect. infertility and complications during pregnancy are most likely to occur.
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 04:57pm
  • Jolly Oct 21 2007 @ 07:26pm Report Abuse
       
    i'm getting married next year and i'm so sure about it.. i'm 25 by august, wanna be "friends" with my son/daughters ;)
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 04:57pm
  • Kimmi Andrei Dec 20 2007 @ 12:00pm Report Abuse
       
    i wish i'll get married
    Last modified Apr 07 2010 @ 04:50pm
  • Aizen Feb 25 2010 @ 05:11am Report Abuse
       
    minsan ang pag aasawa hindi pinaplano. karamihan kc ng kakilala ko biglaan lang. pero happy nman sila, successful nman ang marriage life nila,
    Last modified A long time ago
  • kunirei Aug 04 2010 @ 11:48am Report Abuse
       
    really... an eye-opener but yet, the decision will still be in the person
    Last modified A long time ago
  • AILM Aug 13 2011 @ 02:08pm Report Abuse
       
    i will get married at age 27
    Last modified A long time ago
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