femalenetwork.com

Certain aspects of male behavior are simply a given: He leaves the toilet seat up. He drinks straight from the juice carton. He believes that fine cuisine is best enjoyed while standing over the sink. And at some point in your relationship, he’s going to turn to you with a serious look on his face and say: “Honey/Boopsky/Sweetheart/Yo! I need my space.”

What exactly is this space thing? Is it a cozy den where he can sneak off to work on his hobbies (badminton, photography, collecting toy cars)? Or is it a personal cone of silence you’ll never be allowed to enter again?

The truth is, when a guy says “I need my space,” he’s only telling you half the story. To figure out what he really means, try ending your space cadet’s sentence with the following explanations.

Space Case 1: “I need my space…to be myself.”
Translation: “I need more guy time.” The most common form of the I-need-my-space speech, this is the kind of thing you hear from a guy who wants to regain a taste of the independent life he enjoyed pre-you. Usually, it’s about hanging with friends, doing guy stuff like bellying up against an ESPN-friendly bar with a pool cue and a half-gnawed Buffalo wing.

“Last summer, my girlfriend and I became tight, real quick. We shacked up immediately and lost touch with everyone else,” says Paco, a 19-year-old college sophomore. “I started to miss hanging out with the crew. I felt like I had lost all my freedom: Whenever I went to a friend’s house to play computer games, I had to check in with her or she’d be pissed.” Classis scenario: Relationship begins. Outside world disappears. Boy misses friends. Girl feels threatened. Love nest is cramped. Boy wants his space. “I finally told her I needed to be with my friends alone and do the things we like to do.”

If a guy says he wants more time to be with his friends and pursue his interests, give it to him. It’s an early—and positive—sign that he’s very into you but scared of giving up too much of the “him” for the sake of the “us.” If he doesn’t have a change to realign the buddies-versus-girlfriend time equation—even if it’s just in his mind—he’s going to end up resenting you for it later on. That means a festering grudge, a half-assed sex life, and maybe even a request for one of the more serious types of space declarations that follow:

Space Case 2: “I need my space…to think about us.”
Translation: “I think we need to slow things down.” This is a message you hear when a guy’s foot is gently reaching for the brake pedal. More often than not, it’s a gut reaction to the fear of being trapped man.

“Three months into my current relationship, it finally hit me that I was actually in a ‘relationship,’” says Jody, a 26-year-old entrepreneur. “Suddenly, I felt like I needed an escape hatch to get some distance from where we were.” His girlfriend, he says, took him at his word, and they cut back their dating to twice a week. A few months later, things were back to normal as he saw how much the relationship meant to him. Well, almost back to normal: She used the time to take swing-dancing lessons with a guy friend. Jody is still mildly jealous.

Guys also like to ask for this type of space when they want to pull back physically. “It’s the standard line I used if I feel like I slept with someone too quickly,” says Marvin, a 25-year-old accountant. “I started dating this girl I met at a friend’s party, and about a month into it, we had sex. From that point on, it became a kind of ‘thing’—spending the night three or four times a week—with this person I barely even knew. I liked the sex, sure, but I wasn’t certain about how close I felt to her.” Bottom line: If a guy mentions the word space in the first three months of dating, it’s a solid sign that the merry-go-round is spinning too fast for his fragile little tummy. Do not freak out. Slowing things down now doesn’t mean you can’t regain the momentum later.

Space Case 3: “I need my space…to date around.”
Translation: “How will I ever know you’re the one if I don’t shop around?” When a guy says he needs his space to date other women—and presumably, let you date other guys—he’s looking to initiate a trial break-up (and maybe fondle a few more naked bodies before he marries or dies).

“My fiancée and I reached a point where we needed either to become engaged or break-up,” recalls Charlie, a 23-year-old medical student. “I really loved her, but I also had to know if there was someone else out there for me.” He went on a handful of dates, she slept with a friend, and eventually they both decided that the old arrangement worked better. They’re getting married early next year. “We couldn’t help but miss each other,” says Charlie.

Unfortunately this kind of scenario doesn’t always close the gap. I asked a girlfriend for space once. It was my last year in college, and I’d see all these beautiful women around campus. I didn’t want to break up, but I knew I needed to date other people. My girlfriend gave me my space and took some of her own too—a serious loser named Eric—but when we tried to start things up again, 85 percent of our conversation revolved around the other people we had briefly let into our lives. Needless to say, it didn’t last, and I was sad that I let go of someone special like her.

Space Case 4: “I need my space…away from you—forever.”
Translation: “I’m a passive-aggressive wuss who’s too afraid to break up with you like a man.” No good news here, I’m afraid. This is the wimpy guy’s way of trying to let you down easy. “I just didn’t have the heart to tell my first girlfriend, ‘This is it, we’re over,’” admits Marcus, a 26-year-old graphic designer. “I also wasn’t ready to declare we would never ever tongue-wrestle again. I mean, hey, you never know.” In other words: “Good-bye until I may want you later—but don’t really count on it.”

Okay, so “I need my space” can come from different places in a guy’s heart—not to mention the hot spot further south. But one thing remains constant—no matter what a guy means when he says space , the best course of action is always the same: Give it to him. A guy who needs his space is like a wet bar of soap—squeeze it too tight and he’ll shoot right out of your hands. And remember, while he’s spacing out, you don’t have to just sit around waiting for him. Space is a big place, and you never know who you might find out there.