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“When we first began dating, Brad enthusiastically made romantic dinner reservations and left gushy notes around my apartment, even arranged weekend trips to amusement parks since we’re both roller coaster fanatics,” recalls Helen, a 24-year-old designer. “His sweet wooing swept me off my feet.”

Fast-forward a year: Now that she and her beau have settled into cozy coupledom, Helen wants to know how she became solely responsible for their relationship’s romance quotient. “I’ll be lucky if he doesn’t treat our one-year anniversary next month like any other night of Chinese takeout and Must-See TV.”

Helen isn’t the only girlfriend with this gripe. When it comes to relationship maintenance—breaking routines, celebrating anniversaries, planning couple time—why do guys go love-lazy?

“Men are goal-oriented. In the early stages of dating, they shift into romantic overdrive to win you over,” explains Ellen Sue Stern, author of He Just Doesn’t Get It! (Bantam, 1999). “Once they’ve secured your affection, active romancing doesn’t seem necessary anymore.”

But who wants to date even the greatest guy in the world if he doesn’t do his share of romantic upkeep or remember to bring you flowers on your birthday? Here, we pinpoint the four ways guys drop the ball when playing the game of love and the subtle moves that’ll spur him to return your relationship serve without feeling like you’re his manager…or his mom.

Love Laziness 1: The Talk Block
Every time Maya, a 32-year-old nurse, tries to get her boyfriend Jessie to discuss their relationship, “he’d claim he had no idea what to say,” recalls Maya. “I just assumed he was dodging the where-do-we-stand question.” It wasn’t until after they broke up and became friends that he convinced Maya he really didn’t have any idea what she wanted to talk about.

How could Jessie and millions of men like him be so clueless? “Women see talk as being the glue of the relationship; whereas men don’t see casual conversation as essential to intimacy,” explains Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., author of The Argument Culture: Stopping America’s War of Words (Ballantine Books, 1999). When you initiate a relationship talk, he tunes out because he just doesn’t see the point.

Plus, guys are hardwired to avoid gazing into your eyes and gabbing. “Face-to-face conversation makes men feel like you’re bearing down on them,” says Tannen, and so can make them defensive.

Romantic Rx: Capitalize on his natural inclinations by finding time to talk while you’re doing something else—cooking dinner, going for a walk—to avoid activating his face-to-face fight-or-flight mechanism. And trigger his problem-solving impulse by opening with “I need your help with something” or another phrase that shows you need him to participate.

Love Laziness 2: The Birthday Blackout
Though most guys can recite obscure sports stats without a problem, when it comes to memorizing romantic dates, their minds malfunction. Why the difference? “With sports, men are tuning into the results of a contest,” explains Connie Merritt, a dating coach practicing in Laguna Beach, California. “With personal dates, there doesn’t seem to be that compelling ‘what’s the result’ angle, so they just forget.”

Romantic Rx: This doesn’t mean you’re doomed to spending anniversaries solo. You just have to capitalize on his love of results by showing him what he’ll get out of remembering key dates. Lila, 29, a nutritionist, teased her boyfriend into making their two-year anniversary a priority. “I told Rich sex was on hold until that night, and I dropped hot-and-heavy hints about what I’d planned,” recalls Lila. “On the big night, he walked through the door carrying a dozen sweetheart roses, my favorite.”

Love Laziness 3: The Routine Machine
When Melissa, a 25-year-old teacher, realized she and her boyfriend had spent six straight months eating dinner in front of the TV, she freaked. “But when I approached Scott about busting our lazy romance-ruining daily routine, he didn’t understand what I was concerned about.”

“Routine represents security to men—a refuge from the fast, competitive pace of the rest of their lives,” explains Steve Martin, coauthor of Talk to Me (SPIN/The Positive Way, 1998).

Romantic Rx: While his humdrum ways are a good sign, that doesn’t make them any more fun. To kick-start romantic spontaneity, appeal to your man’s natural competitive instinct and make a game out of breaking your routine, suggests Martin.

Charlene, a 23-year-old waitress, planned a contest with her man to see who could surprise the other with the most over-the-top romantic act. “I made mine—a banner draped over his front windshield, surrounded by red cutout hearts—goofy rather than gushy to appeal to my guy,” recalls Charlene. “It did, and his return gesture was so romantic: He set up a tent in our backyard, where we spent the weekend on a passionate ‘camping’ trip.”

Love Laziness 4: The Plan Pass
When Julie, a 31-year-old writer, and her guy first hooked up, he eagerly took on responsibility for making plans together. “But now when a mutual friend calls to make a double date, he’ll hand me the phone,” says Julie. “And when I proposed the idea of going to Florida for vacation, he said, ‘I’m up for whatever you want.’ I’m sick of being in charge of everything.”

Like Julie, most women get stuck making most couple plans. But that’s due more to misunderstanding than malice, according to Marlene Miller, author of BrainStyles (Simon & Schuster, 1997). Men figure that because we seem to be good at scheduling, we’d rather that they keep out of our way.

Romantic Rx: The key to getting your guy involved is to make him part of the planning. “Let him bring his talents to the process, even if it’s just picking out a new place to go out for dinner or the wackiest place to spend a weekend away,” suggests Miller. That’s what worked for Julie. When she asked her guy to pick a destination, he proposed a grand cross-country trip—and actively helped plan it. “It turned out to be the first vacation we’d ever taken that was fun for both of us—and what could be more romantic than that?”

The Male Mush Meter
We polled 100 men to find out the sappy gestures they love deploying and the ones that make them puke.

Which romantic move are you most likely to make toward your girlfriend?
Buying her flowers or little gifts “just because” (45%)
Planning a quiet evening for two (16%)
Giving her a backrub (16%)
Leaving cute notes for her to find, cleaning her apartment, cooking dinner, painting her toenails, making mix CDs (10%)

Which display of affection makes you gag?
Using cutesy names in public (50%)
Holding hands, groping, or kissing in public (22%)
Playing “your song” (17%)
Getting cards or letters, baby talk, air kissing, and feeding me in public (11%)