femalenetwork.com

You’ve spent the last 48 hours in bed, eyes so swollen you could single-handedly send Visine sales soaring. And when you aren’t weeping to your best friend, your mom, or the delivery guy, you’re keeping the phone free in hopes he’ll call, begging you to come back. Any woman who’s not lying will tell you she’s been where you are and made it through.

Because we figured the best experts on surviving breakups are survivors themselves, Cosmo talked to 11 women who’ve been to hell and lived to tell the tale—and boy, do they have some kick-your-ass-out-of-bed advice. Follow their 11-step recovery program and we guarantee you’ll get your life back—better than ever.

Stage 1: First you cry
“Dwelling on it allows you to think and think, and eventually you’ve explored all the avenues and you get tired. You get tired of crying, your eyes are red, you’re exhausted, and you can’t do it anymore. Your body and mind will tell you when it’s time to stop. But you have to accept this as part of heartbreak.” —Sara

“At first, I felt weak for letting myself cry and for being so upset, but once I got over that, I realized that the crying was actually very cathartic. It was very important for me to feel every ounce of pain and then, as clichéd as it sounds, let time heal all wounds.” —Maricel

“As for getting your confidence and not wallowing, my advice is to think like a ugy. Don’t worry so much, you’ll meet somebody. In general, men take it for granted that they’ll eventually find a wife. Women are worried they’ll never get picked. Breakups happen. It’s no reflection on you. It just means he wasn’t right for you. Don’t punish yourself with feelings of inadequacy.” —Lisa

Stage 2: Making the emotional break from him
“I was walking by his office building a lot, hoping to bump into him. That was the worst thing: I kept putting myself in his way so he’d say, ‘I think I want to go back to her.’ He didn’t. That was so embarrassing. Before trying to make contact, ask yourself what you’ll get from calling him or ‘bumping into’ him. This isn’t parang high school—he’s not going to embrace you and say ‘Oh, let’s get back together!’” —Carol

“My ex-fiancé called me once right after the breakup, but I was too emotional to get my feelings across. So I wrote him a long letter telling him all the ways he had screwed up, and I kept a copy. I would read the letter whenever I felt myself weakening; it reminded me that there was a reason that all this happened. I still have that letter in a drawer at home, and I take it out sometimes. It keeps me from being sentimental and wishing we were still together.” —Denise

“If I had the urge to call him and tell him I just scored 15,000 on a video game, I’d phone my brother instead. Eventually, you wean yourself.” —Maricel

“Staying friends is a bad idea. You’ll get sucked into wanting to be with him again. And besides, it hurts.” —Marjorie

“Put the gifts and pictures away. Even if you’re sentimental, you don’t need reminders of him lying around.” —Lisa

“Do not do what I did and sleep with him after the breakup. You can tell yourself that you need sex or that you want to be held, but in the end, breaking the bond just becomes that much harder.” —Christina

Stage 3: Getting support
“My family didn’t have sympathy for me; they said I do this all the time—let good men walk out of my life. I’m close to my mom, but she wasn’t helpful. You need to recognize that sometimes you won’t get the support you want from everyone who is important to you. I turned to my high school barkada. They said, ‘Call me when you feel like calling him.’” —Christina

“I opened my phonebook and called literally everyone. It was therapeutic telling the story over and over again to different people. My friends made me feel it was his loss, not mine. I filled up my schedule so I wouldn’t think about him or even be tempted to call.” —Kristin

“Be careful about listening to friends. Your head gets cluttered with so many voices. Everyone will tell you in 12 different ways that he’s an a—hole. Sometimes, you just need to stay calm instead of getting angry all over again.” —Rina

“I caught him cheating on me, and I was very angry. I didn’t want to be around other people. Instead, I asked myself some hard questions, like what was it about me that I got involved with such a jerk? I’ve always gone to church, but I went more often. Spirituality helped rid me of the anger. I realized he wasn’t a bad person; he’s just not right for me, and someone else will come along.” —Geneva

Stage 4: Battling the “I’m a loser” blues
“At first I thought, My chances at love are completely gone. But eventually, I’d try to think about the situation logically. I’d tell myself, This happens everyday to everyone—even the rich and famous. Gwyneth Paltrow went through the same stuff. If someone that beautiful and talented has been dumped and she’s not a loser, then I’m not.” —Kristin

“Since I’m going to be a lawyer, I’m extremely rational and logical, and I was frustrated that I couldn’t understand this. When I accepted that this was something I wasn’t going to be able to reason out, I felt a lot better. I told myself that for whatever reason, he has baggage, and it’s better for me not to pick it up.” —Jennifer

“My self-esteem was so low—I had modeled at one point, and here’s this guy making me feel totally ugly. I started running—that was better than talking to a therapist. I got strong physically, which made me strong mentally. I just wasn’t going to let anybody make me feel bad—they don’t have the right.” —Rina

Stage 5: Working your career
“When I was 23 and a secretary, I would scoff at the women in the office. I’d think, They’re so stupid; they’re so consumed with their jobs. Now I understand why the job is a life force in so many ways. During the worst part of my breakup, the fact that every day I had somewhere to go to was very empowering. Throwing yourself into work is a great Band-Aid to the horrible pain of a breakup.” —Maricel

“I threw myself into my job, started working like a fiend, staying late every night. I had to focus all my energy somewhere, and it was better to do a ton of stuff at work than to go home, turn on the TV, and wallow. And it totally paid off—I was promoted!” —Marjorie

“I was forced to rejuvenate my life. Right after the breakup, I stopped modeling and went back to college, and I decided to join the family business. I gained mental confidence as opposed to the purely physical kind I had when I was modeling. I stopped depending on my looks and started depending on my head.” —Rina

Stage 6: Being good to yourself
“I’m a big fan of pampering. Get a manicure, pedicure, wax, and facial. I chopped my long, curly hair to shoulder-length—I wanted it all off my head, like old memories.” —Carol

“I started getting back in touch with interests that made me happy. I went to lectures and the ballet with friends, took trips out-of-town, watched PBA games. And I realized something was really missing from my relationship, because we hadn’t been doing these things together.” —Marjorie

“I went on a shopping spree: It’s not so bad to splurge after a breakup if that’s what it takes: you’ll get yourself out of debt in a few months. My male friends also got into the picture: they’d tell me I was pretty, smart, funny. Guys don’t hold back: ‘That guy?’ they’d say. ‘We wondered when you’d wisen up.’” —Christina

“One friend told me, ‘Jenny, book yourself for a massage; you need to be touched.’ That physical contact helps a lot, especially if you live alone.” —Jennifer

“I began working out, because I wanted to feel better about myself.” —Kristin

Stage 7: Making the scene again
“Don’t go to bars, you’ll feel like a piece of meat. But you have to be assertive. If you see a guy at a part, ask a friend to introduce you. And if nobody shows interest no matter what you do, leave. You’re better off watching TV than being ignored by a roomful of strangers.” —Maricel

“You’re more ready to get out there into the scene than you think. I had this one pushy friend who’d beg me to go to parties and clubs with her. I finally gave in, and you know what? I had a great time, which made me want to go out more.” —Rina

“There’s no reason ever to go out alone in the beginning. My girlfriends and I had a whole ritual. We’d spend the day at the beach, then get really dressed up. By the time we hit the parties, we’d be pumped. It was like, ‘What breakup?’” —Christina

Stage 8: Finding new love(s)
“There’s no use hiding the fact that you’re single. It’s like getting fired: Eventually, everybody’s going to find out. I immediately called up my friends and told them what I was home alone, waiting for Mr. Right, and what kind of friends were they if they weren’t fixing me up?” —Maricel

“One blind date who took me out told me he talked to the dead on a regular basis. But so what? Life’s a big, sometimes hilarious adventure. Be easygoing and open when people want to fix you up, so they’ll keep fixing you up. And maybe one of them will work out.” —Lisa

“Rebound men can definitely take your mind off the pain—and add a little drama. But be fair; tell the new guy you’ve recently broken up with someone else. There’s no need to go into any more detail. I’d pinch myself if I felt the urge to spill anything—after all, these guys weren’t my therapist.” —Kristin

“Play the field as long as you can. You just got through a breakup—there’s no need to rush into a new relationship. Take advantage of the opportunity to have fun, explore dating lots of different types, and figure out what it is you want in a man. That way you may get it.” —Christina

“Force yourself to date. A few months after the breakup, I met this really cool guy. It only lasted a month, but he made me realize my ex wasn’t the only man I was attracted to out there.” —Marjorie

Stage 9: Yikes! Dealing with sex…again
“Until you’re ready, there’s always making out. One time at a club, I asked this guy I knew to walk me to my car. As we were leaving, I slammed him against a wall and kissed him. And he just loved it. Now that felt good.” —Rina

“You’re ready for sex when you feel the desire to sleep with another man. Until then, enjoy the power of saying no—especially if you were the one who was rejected in your last relationship.” —Jennifer

“After the breakup, I enjoyed one or two sexual relationships, but to protect myself, I looked for men who seemed more like friends than lovers. That way, there was less potential for getting hurt.” —Lisa

“When you’re with a guy for a long time, you think nobody else knows how to get you going. But with someone new, not only do you discover that the sex can be just as good, but that there are things you never realized you could feel!” —Christina

Stage 10: Do something wild (even if it’s mild)
“A bunch of my girlfriends and I went to Boracay. I learned how to jet-ski, danced all night—it was a chance to celebrate being single and happy.” —Lisa

“Stretch yourself if you feel up to it. I hate listening to live music, but I figured, Why not go? I can’t keep hanging out at the same places. I met a guy that night, and we’re still dating.” —Carol

“One of my brothers taught me to snorkel somewhere in Palawan. One time, I went out quite far from the shore. When I got back to the beach, a local told me a girl had been bitten by a shark three weeks before. And I’m like, ‘Oh my god! I have my period! Sharks can smell blood 10 miles away.’ Of course, I later found out that’s a myth, but intense situations like that help you realize how little that relationship meant.” —Rina

Stage 11: Looking back
“I now know I’m resilient and strong enough to get over something, even though I felt I’d never be happy again. You know you’ve been through the worst and you’ve gotten over it. And you’re okay.” —Jennifer

“There’s something to celebrate about being alone again. When you realize you can live without him, there’s a feeling of I can do whatever I want. Like, Wow, I can take that job in Singapore now!” —Carol

“Love isn’t all Snow White and fantasy. The silver lining? That I didn’t marry the jerk, thank God!” —Geneva

The Biggest Breakup Blunders
Here, our panelists share their most embarrassing getting-over-him gaffes.

“Three weeks after we broke up, I tried to talk him into getting back together. He basically just ignored me, and I was left feeling stupid and desperate. Don’t go begging—trust me, it’s not worth the humiliation.” —Kristin

“Don’t get sucked into high drama. At one point, my ex—who wanted to get back together with me—locked me in his house when I went over one Saturday. I could have avoided a lot of ridiculous scenes like that one if I’d just quietly said ‘Gotta go’ every time he called.” —Rina

“Don’t hold on to false hope. I fooled myself into thinking he might come back—never mind all the obstacles. It was easier than feeling sad. Finally, my mom said, ‘Jenny, he’s not coming back to you.’ She wants nothing more than for me to be happy, so I had to believe her.” —Jennifer

“Friends from all over the country kept inviting me to visit them, but I’d turn them down thinking I shouldn’t run away from my problems. Of course, I was being ridiculous. Get out of town if you can; if nothing, else traveling gives you perspective.” —Sara

Our Suddenly Single Survivors’ Stories

Denise: Dated her ex on and off for seven years. They became engaged, and he backed out five months before the wedding.

Rina: Split up with her boyfriend of three years when she discovered he’d been unfaithful.

Sara: After an intense four-month affair, her boyfriend announced that he was unable to commit.

Christina: She spent five years with her boyfriend only to wake up one day to realize she’d never really been in love.

Kristin: Was dumped by her boyfriend of two years during an argument one night when he blurted out, “I can’t take this anymore”

Carol: Dated her boyfriend, a chef, for 10 intense months. When he opened his own restaurant, he turned his back on her, then fell in love with another woman.

Lisa: After five years, she finally accepted the fact that her boyfriend was too controlling—and too rigid to change.

Jennifer: Her ex became very successful quickly in his business. She soon discovered his career came first. “It was one of my shorter relationships, but the most painful breakup.”

Maricel: Dated her boyfriend for a year, then broke up with him because she realized he wasn’t the one.

Geneva: Had lived with her ex (who left his wife for her) for two years when she discovered he was cheating on her with another woman.

Marjorie: Dated her boyfriend for nearly a year before she realized “he was unsettled in his career and didn’t feel it was a good time to be seriously involved with someone.”