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My best friend Isabel is getting married soon. She is incredibly happy and deserves it. Having gone through a formidable list of losers in the relationship realm, she finally decided to stop looking. And in the magical manner of romance storybooks, Mr. Right fell into her lap. After seeing each other seriously and steadily for a little more than two years, this kind, decent, smart, good-humored man got down on his knees and asked Isabel to spend the rest of her life with him.

She is thirty-two. And she has never had sex before.
Yes, Virginia, there are still virgins out there, women who for one reason or another have remained untouched and intact, either by choice or by circumstance. Not so surprising, if you think about it. We are only the products of our culture, our faith, our innate conservatism. Despite the day and age, there are almost as many women out there who are not doing it, as there are women who are. Isabel is just one of them. And the truth of the matter is, many of them are as cosmopolitan as their non-virgin counterparts, some even more so.

Sex Qualms
But this is not about the whys and wherefores of one’s sexual decisions. This involves the point at which a woman finally decides, yes, now, the time is right. Then what?

She’s nervous. Maybe afraid. She has more than a few concerns, each of which are legitimate: STDs, birth control, even performance anxiety. What’s more: How badly is it going to hurt? My friend Isabel has, in fact, all those concerns in equal measure. All of it topped with whipped cream and the proverbial cherry (pardon the pun). She says, “I just want it to be perfect. Is that so impossible?”

Well, again—that depends. Isabel, this one’s for you.

The Kind of Virgin You Are
Sex is a mystery after all. In one way, it is merely the act of intercourse, the penetration of penis into vagina and climax. And yet, in a million ways, it is so much more than just that. Like everything else, your first time will largely be about your attitude, just as much or perhaps even more than your intact hymen.

The New Our Bodies, Our Selves by the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective, stresses this quite succinctly: “What we do in sex is a matter of personal preference and ingenuity, whom we are with, how much love and understanding we feel, how comfortable we both are with our bodies, how each of us feels that day. At its best, lovemaking takes its shape as we and our partners move together by mutual (and often) unspoken agreement.”

So, the quality of your first time has much to do with the kind of woman you are, dare I say it, the kind of virgin you are.

The True Blue Virgin
Out of circumstance, or by choice, you have remained innocent and chaste, and virtually unschooled in the skills and arts of lovemaking. Which is not to say that you don’t know what is involved. Sure, you’ve seen a couple of movies, read a couple of books. Your knowledge is based on theory as well as your friend’s stories tossed in for good measure. But you’re a babe in the woods, as far as sex is concerned. What’s more, you may be slightly apprehensive that you may not see the forest for the trees.

You may not think it possible, but even you, the true blue virgin who has never even grasped the…er…root of the issue, can have a good first time, as opposed to a bad one. The most important thing you should do in this situation is not allow the lack of practical experience to cripple you or paralyze you. By the same token, remember that there is no need to fear what is new or foreign to you. Take the act in stride, take the initial pain and discomfort with childlike wonder. Embrace the novelty of the experience and be willing to explore anything and everything about it.

Tisha, a self-proclaimed true-blue virgin on her wedding night, confessed to feelings of “Are we doing this right? Ganito ba talaga? Is it really supposed to hurt this much?”—all normal and part of the parcel of adjusting to any new experience. “But if you let go enough, something else takes over, and that thinking, rationalizing part of you shuts up.” Tisha did not let any pressure get to her: “After your initial anxiety, it starts getting a little silly. I mean, you’re supposed to be doing this. What’s more, you want to do it so relax.”

The Technical Virgin
However you choose to refer to her: technical virgin, everything-but-the-girl virgin, the woman who has dabbled in the various acts of sex and sexuality, who has faced and experienced the parts first hand, she is the most primed for a grand bang of a first time. She is not afraid. She is ready, willing and more than able…and has even tested herself at that most passionate point before.

For the technical virgin who has finally decided to take the sex plunge, it’s possible that she will have no pain upon penetration. Yanna 28, describes her first time as a process. “You do everything you can without doing it-it, and there comes that point of no return, and you actually allow it to happen. Because we had had so much experience and exploration, my first time was not just easy, it was very very exciting.”

The Virgin Mind
The man who makes love to the woman with a virgin mind will have to grapple with more than just her virgin body. Sex and sexuality, like so many of the other wonderful mysteries in life, requires an open attitude, a mind that does not censor, judge or restrict. The sad thing about women from our country is that while they may not be virgins in flesh, they are virgins in spirit, unwilling and unable to enjoy sex because they feel it is “sinful, dirty, wrong.” Either that, or they feel that sex is only for reproduction, for making babies, that only men like it, that intercourse is the only legitimate sex…and that other like, oral sex, are “sinful, dirty, or wrong.”

Unfortunately, our own deeply conservative, sometimes repressed and often male-centered culture is responsible for cultivating the virgin mind in women as well as in men. Regrettably, the hang-ups and issues that ensue for the Virgins with virgin minds last long after their first time. Moreover, the process of devirginizing a mind is a gradual one that involves slowly acquainting a woman with passion and pleasure, and the very real need for both in a genuine loving relationship.

The Wonderful World of Sex
In the end, the first time is just that: a first time. In no way does it have a lasting influence on subsequent times, nor does it possess the power to change your sex life irretrievably. Whether it’s your first time or your fifty-first time, sex can be a wonderful, painful, passionate, lousy, uncomfortable. So keep the pressure off, and allow yourself to just be. While you’re at it, keep in mind the following:

1. Go slow to get that glow. The slower you go, the better it’s going to be. You’ve got all the time in the world, anyway. And it’s not a race. When you go slow, you’ll flow and that will get you going and glowing.

2. The wetter, the better. Follow #1, and you should have no problem “getting a flow.” The more lubricated you are, the easier it will be, and much more so if you’re lubrication is your own. That said, there is nothing wrong with relying on a bit of KY jelly for good measure.

3. Do what feels right, all night. Sex is mysterious. Let go of your conscious mind and concentrate on what your body is communicating. If it feels right, do not under any circumstances, stop to think.

4. No pain, no gain. There may be a lot of pain, a little pain or no pain. Adopt a matter-of-fact attitude towards this fact. Yes, it may hurt a little but that’s only for now. What’s a little pain for passion?

5. Responsibility frees the body and the mind. Clarify issues of sexually transmitted disease and birth control beforehand. If you’re worried about either or both, it will be that much more difficult to have a good time on this first time.