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Men are jerks. At least, that’s what all the women say. Yes, we love them and yes, we want them. But it doesn’t change the facts. Oh sure, we know of nice guys—there are some good husbands and fathers out there. In fact, we’re often quick to name them. These are good men, decent guys who treat their wives or girlfriends well. But even as we enumerate the Mikes, the Rickys, and the Jojos we know who are proof that mankind is not entirely disreputable, we are never ever surprised when we hear of one man or another being a jerk to a woman.

But what is the other side of the coin? Is that the only essential truth…that men are jerks, period, plain and simple? Is it not possible that women are at fault, too?

The question I’d like to pose is, if men lie to women and cheat on them, is it perhaps because women let them?

Sad Stories
At 29, Sheila never considered herself young and foolish. She had had a number of boyfriends before meeting Eddie, and had been living and working independently from her family for almost five years now. Then she met Eddie, a successful business executive through mutual friends at the office and was instantly drawn to his charming ways. They had a few things in common and they shared a definite chemical connection. Too quickly, they fell into a relationship. They would spend nights together in her apartment, subject to his busy schedule. She would change the sheets and serve him breakfast in bed. He had met all her friends and family. She had yet to meet his. They had never spent the night at his place because he said it was too far, or it hadn’t been cleaned. A few months later, she found out that she was the other woman. The relationship she had with Eddie was really an adulterous affair on his part. Sheila’s heart broke because she honestly believed she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Eddie. The sad thing is, she still does.

Jeannie met Ding when she was in college, although they did not go to the same school. She was flattered by his attentions, because he was a big man on campus, known to be intelligent and a good catch. They started seeing each other then, and although she never quite knew where she stood, she allowed herself to fall in love. After they both graduated and entered the workforce, they found themselves continually arguing. He said she wanted too much of his time, time he claimed he had to put into his career. On the other hand, she was tired of playing second place…and inside, suspected he was seeing other women, though she never had any proof. Five years later, he returned to court her again…and she accepted him, hoping he would now commit to her 100%. But it was not to be. Ding still puts in an eight-day work week and still resents constant inquiries as to how he is spending his time. He asks her to marry him and she accepts. Later, she discovers that Ding likes to have a fling every now and then…but it has nothing whatsoever to do with his love for her. Though this makes her very sad, she decides she will go through with the marriage because she loves him and will take him the way he is.

Karen met Bob on vacation in Boracay. He was a friend of a friend who also happened to be on holiday there. She doesn’t know whether it was the romantic atmosphere, the sun and the sand and the water…but she let herself be vulnerable to an affair. Her friend warned her that Bob still had a girlfriend, but when she confronted Bob, he said that he was in the process of ending that relationship. She believed him and let herself fall in love. Ten months later, she is deeply in love with Bob and still desperately trying to convince him to end the relationship with his current girlfriend.

The Jerkiness of Men and the Foolishness of Women
In this country, many things work against women. Women have come to accept certain things because of so many years of hearing nothing else from their mothers and grandmothers, aunts and older sisters. As the song goes, the message is perfectly simple, the meaning is clear: “Men will be unfaithful. They cannot help themselves.” Women of the older generation will even be quick to add the damning words of advice: “Just make sure that he takes care of you and the children.” As though this, in the end, makes up for a man’s betrayal.

Although there is perhaps some truth to the theory that men are programmed to be polygamous, more so than women, common sense tells us that as fellow human beings with biological needs, women are subject to the same drives and temptations. Even in the world of literature, there are just as many adulteresses as adulterers…and often, they are more celebrated: Madame Bovary to name just one.

Yet in this conservative Catholic country, there is a definite double standard, and we women are, in a way, brainwashed into believing that we are not as sexually oriented as men are. Women here are brought up to believe that men need it more…all the time and in variety, while women can live without it. Both of these are exaggerations. The fact that the general population has come to accept this as truth makes it all the more convenient for men to continue their extra-relational or extra-marital activities.

It is in this manner that the heartache continues.

What Men Have Said
If men were to be completely honest, you might hear a few things along the following lines:

“Sex and love are two different things for men. With women it’s different. It’s one and the same banana. Which is why they slip on the banana peel so often.”
—Nicky, 29

“I can make love to my girlfriend, and have sex with another woman. But the point is, I know where my heart is.”
—Jon, 32

“It might be true that men are jerks…and because of all the temptations we face, we do have a tendency to be physically unfaithful to our girlfriends or wives. But I really think that women sometimes are so dumb. They’re so willing to believe that it makes the cheating much easier to accomplish.”
—George, 30

“When women call you and throw themselves at you, even though they know you’re supposed to be committed to someone. The opportunity is there, sayang naman. What are you going to do? Ba’t mo tatanggihan ang grasya?”
—Kiko, 27

“A guy cheats on a girl when there’s a sexual component missing in their relationship…or the spark has gone out of their sexual relationship, even though they might still love the girl.”
—Butch, 28

“Some girls just let it happen. They know their husbands are fooling around, but they choose not to see it. Maybe they’ve got too much at stake.”
—Albert, 32

“One night stands shouldn’t mean anything. It’s just physical. You don’t even remember the girl afterwards.”
—Paul, 30

And yet, you ask these same guys whether they can take as good as they give, and naturally, the double standards appear once more.

The Way to be a Woman
Maybe it’s time to sop believing in fairy tales and happily ever after. Finding a life partner, someone to love who will love you back for the rest of your life is a tricky business. The problem is that most women are brought up on the notion that it’s supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to be magic, and it’s supposed to last the rest of your life. Maybe that’s true in the beginning…but for it to last the rest of your life, it’s going to take a lot of struggling.

Ask the people in long-term loving relationships whether already married or simply dating, and you’ll find that even they suffer emotional setbacks. Arguments can crop up, jealousy can ensue…and temptation can get to the best of both men and women. There really is no happily ever after…in the sense that you can lie back and believe that you will be beloved and vice-versa forever. It’s not impossible, certainly, it can happen…when two people put their minds to committing themselves to their union.

We all have to recognize our own respective weaknesses. Girls have to realize how vulnerable men are to temptation…and they have to be on guard. At the same time, they should also learn that no man is worth losing their own self-love, respect, or esteem. Being with someone can be a wonderful thing, but not when it is at the expense of one’s own self-worth. Stick to your guns, girls. Accept only the best for yourself and nothing less. Don’t be like these women who have said the following:

“I don’t want to leave him, because we’ve been together so long na.”

“He doesn’t mean to hurt me. He just has a terrible temper. He’s very sorry afterwards.”

“He told me he was ending it with her, so I stayed with him to try to help him do that.”

“I felt he could change for me…so I gave him the best years of my life.”

“I kept seeing him because I hoped that if he continued to see me, he would fall in love with me again.”

Game Plan for Your Life
It’s certainly time for women to start taking charge of their own hearts and to accept once and for all, that most of the time, men will be jerks only if we women are dumb enough to let them. Sad to say, even in these contemporary times, based on what I’ve heard, there are still too many women willing to be that foolish.

Does this mean we should be cynical and cold, and believe that all men are rats and deserve to go to the sewers? No, of course not. Love is still a wonderful thing. But falling in love shouldn’t mean losing your mind. A woman should still keep her wits about her. She should also realize that love can last a long time, if only both men and women are willing to work at it…harder than they ever worked at anything.

Women Be Wise…Please!
If a guy can’t commit to you exclusively, walk away. If he comes running after you, put him through a few hoops.

Something is amiss if you haven’t met his friends and you haven’t seen his place (especially if he’s met and seen yours). Be wary.

Sometimes, I love you can just be a line dropped at just the right moment…so you will go to bed with him. Don’t. Unless of course, you want to.

Men find it extremely natural to have sex without any kind of emotional connection. If a guy is distant and uncommunicative after sharing a night of passion with you, you know that you weren’t making love, you were having sex.

Never go into a relationship with a married man. Same goes for men with girlfriends—no matter what they say about the relationship being in its last stages. Wait for him to end the relationship and then, after a decent interval, go out with him.

If you haven’t seen him all weekend and he says it’s because of work, it means he doesn’t want to see you. No matter how busy he is, a man in love will always make time for a drop-by.

Beware of lines that sound too good to be true…particularly in the first stages. Remember, a man will say and do anything to get sex—even the words I love you.

Very often, men, and Filipino men in particular, have different ideas about what constitutes fidelity. They can profess to love you, have sex with other women, and still believe that they are being faithful because they aren’t “in love.” Make certain that your definitions are in synch.

Fact: You cannot make a devil a saint. So if you find out he’s a devil, tell him to go to hell.

Sex can be isolated from love. Men do it all the time. If you care to, you can too.

Men can never truly love someone they do not respect. And it follows a man cannot respect a women who allows him to treat her badly.

If a man ever hits you, end the relationship. He may be able to change, but it’s not likely that you will be able to change him.

A thick wallet does not necessarily make a good man.

As far as your organs go: listen to your brain and keep your heart out of it for a good two months or so.

A man who is cheating will admit nothing until he is caught red-handed…even then, he will attempt to squirm out of it. So don’t expect him to just be honest with you, it will not happen.

Never sleep with a man without first determining whether it is for love or for sex…on both sides.

You and only you are in charge of your own heart.