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It’s so unfair. One glance at your lover’s face tells you he’s relaxed and raring to go. But instead of looking forward to sex, your mind is screaming with what-ifs. What if he thinks my thighs are too jiggly? What if he wants me to try something weird? What if I just freeze up? Such inhibitions raise anxiety instead of desire, zapping your pleasure and sometimes your partner’s as well. But you can learn to silence your inner worrier. We asked real women and men, plus sex experts, about the fears that hold us back in bed and the best ways they’ve found to banish them for good.

Baring It All
Never are you more naked than when you’re naked in front of a man. And it’s a rare woman who can make that long walk from the bathroom to the bed in the buff without worrying if she’s, well, buff enough. “Body anxiety is the most common sexual inhibition among women,” says sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., author of The New Male Sexuality: The Truth About Men, Sex, and Pleasure (Bantam, 1993). Some women won’t even try being on top during sex because it makes their tummy hang down, or try rear-entry sex because it gives their lover too good a view of their behind. “Women are usually much more critical of their bodies than men are,” says Zilbergeld. “If you see an erection heading your way, you can take it for granted that the men who owns it either hasn’t noticed that your derriere’s a bit droopy—or he doesn’t care.”

Your Strategy: Begin by caressing each other while fully clothed. As things heat up, watch how he is aroused by you and let it turn you on. Then, slowly undress piece by piece. His instinct will be to ravish whatever parts you reveal, which will help give you the confidence to take off your clothes.

The Women Say
“Before you get to the stripping stage of a relationship with someone, you should already be comfortable with him outside of the bedroom, so even if you’re buck naked, you’ll know that he will see past your cellulite.” —Aya, 23, banker

“I assume that before you decide to sleep with someone, you’ve already bonded with that person. You should be able to tell him how you feel. Once he knows you’re dyahe, I’m sure he’ll be able to come up with a killer line that will make you want to strip. Guys can be really clever when a girl is about to take their clothes off in front of them.” —Jen, 23, production assistant

“I’m really flat-chested and my first boyfriend used to tease me about it all the time so I got really conscious about it. Anyway, we broke up and I started going out with my boyfriend now. It became an issue. Even though I really wanted to get intimate with him, I was scared he’d make fun of me or he’d get turned off because there was nothing to grab. But he kept telling me how sexy he thought I was and it’s not an issue anymore.” —Kat, 25, artist

The Men Say
“My girlfriend is always complaining about her puson and her thighs. But believe me, when she is taking her clothes off in front of me, the last thing I’m thinking about is whether her abs are cut enough of if she has flabby thighs. I love her and seeing her walking around my room naked is the biggest turn-on. Even if she had a Buddha belly, I’d still think she was sexy.” —Joey, 26, restaurateur

Fellatio Fears
It’s likely your lover’s favorite sex treat, but for many women, performing oral sex can mean major anxiety. “You may feel uncomfortable about getting up close and personal with his most private and ‘dirty’ part, let alone putting it in your mouth,” explains sex therapist Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., author of Super Sexual Orgasms. Other women are mostly concerned about their performance. As Keesling explains, “Guys lie back and enjoy the experience, while we worry about gagging, swallowing, and whether or not we’re doing it as well as his last girlfriend.”

Your Strategy: Unless the idea of fellatio truly repulses you, put aside any embarrassment you feel and try it at least once. You may find you actually enjoy it, or at least get an ego-gratifying boost from your lover’s enthusiastic reaction. When you go down on him, take control of the situation. Keep your hand around the base of his penis to keep him from thrusting to deeply into your mouth. And if you don’t want to swallow his semen, watch for the two-second warning. “Keep one finger directly behind his testicles,” says Keesling. “You’ll feel his pubococcygeous muscle contract there about two seconds before he ejaculates, and you can remove your mouth in time.” And don’t feel you have to deepthroat him. “Most women can’t—at least not without a lot of practice,” says Keesling. “The majority of women like licking and sucking just as much.”

The Women Say
“I used to think oral sex was really disgusting, but since my boyfriend enjoyed it, I gave it to him anyway. But since I receive such positive feedback for my efforts, I’ve grown to like it. Besides, he always returns the favor.” —Cristina, 24, student

“I think of it as the biggest power trip. If you want to see your man squirm and tell you how great you are, this is definitely one way to get him to do it.” —Apple, 27, stock analyst

“I’m always conscious of whether or not I’m doing it right. Am I sucking too hard? Does it really feel that good or is he faking it? But I’ve learned to pay attention to body language. When my boyfriend gets this glazed look on his face and his lips curl into a half-smile, I know I’ve got him.” —Charisse, 25, programmer

The Men Say
“As long as there’s no biting involved, I don’t think there’s a wrong way to do it. Just watching her go down on me is an incredible turn-on.” —JP, 28, entrepreneur

“My only rule is that she should warn me beforehand whether or not she swallows. It’s for her own benefit. Other than that, my pleasure is more or less guaranteed.” —Ryan, 22, student

You Want to Put Your Mouth Where?
It’s a question few of us ask, but one a lot of us wonder about when a man offers to perform oral sex. “We’re afraid that our vagina smells weird and tastes even weirder—and now he’s going to discover that in a very intimate way,” says Keesling. But trust us: To him, you smell and taste like pure sex—and nothing is more exciting than that.

Your Strategy: “Tell your lover that you’re afraid that he’s going to be grossed out, and be open to what he says,” advises Zilbergeld. “He’ll probably reply that he’s dying to go down on you. Then tell yourself that you may have some negative feelings about oral sex, but he thinks it’s kind of cool, and maybe it’s worth giving it a chance.” Showering beforehand—or even shaving—might also help you feel clean and fresh. “Shaving my pubic hair made a real difference in my own enjoyment,” says Keesling. “I was worried it was trapping perspiration and odor so I used a beard trimmer on it every day and just leave a little landing strip of well-trimmed hair down the middle.”

The Women Say
“Wash and wax regularly so you feel and smell clean. If you’re really curious, then just ask him to kiss you after.” —Rica, 27, pre-school teacher

“It’s not something you should be dyahe about. Guys really enjoy it anyway. And once you try it you’ll forget about your worries. You won’t be able to think.” —Patti, 23, chef

The Men Say
“My girlfriend had this thing about me being face to face with her…you know. I just told her to get over it. She did. And judging from her reaction, she was glad she did.” —Tiger, 28, dentist

“Sex should always be give and take. If my girlfriend is trying hard to please me, it’s only fair that I do the same. Besides, if she smelled, I wouldn’t have gone out with her in the first place.” —Miguel, 24, businessman

The Dirty Talk Dilemma
If you feel ridiculous using four-letter words to describe your pleasure, join the club, you’re not alone. “Some women can’t say penis without blushing—and that’s okay,” says couples therapist Susan Maxwell. “So-called dirty words can be hard to say, but they also have an erotic power that some women enjoy using on men.”

Your Strategy: “Call a phone-sex line and listen together,” suggests Maxwell. “It will probably sound silly but also arousing. Ask your lover which words he likes and repeat them later in bed in a lighthearted way. The fact that they’re coming from a phone-sex line and not your ‘depraved’ mind should take away a bit of the embarrassment.” If you still can’t say the words to his face, try using them over the phone first, says Maxwell. Pretend you’re a phone-sex girl, and see if you enjoy it. We guarantee that he will.

The Women Say
“I don’t think you have to talk porno trash to talk dirty. You can skip the ‘I want to **** you’ and just say in a soft sexy voice what you do want to do.” —Myra, 26, fitness instructor

“I was studying school abroad, so my boyfriend and I would only see each other only during the holidays. Hindi pa uso yung Internet noon, kaya hanggang telepono lang kami. He’d really enjoy it when I’d tell him how much I missed him and what I wanted to do with him when I got home.” —Yayin, 28, ballet dancer

The Men Say
“My girlfriend is pretty conservative, but once in a while, to get my attention, she teases me by blurting out what she calls her ‘nasty thoughts.’ Seeing her let loose like that is such a turn-on.” —Patrick, 21, student

“When I’m stuck at work and my wife wants me to come home, she starts moaning on the phone and tells me what articles of clothing she is slowly removing. When she does it, working overtime is pure torture.” —Jason, 28, businessman

Fear of the Erotic Unknown
Your man looks normal. He acts normal. But now you’re not quite sure that what he’s asking you to do is normal—and if you should go along with it. Whether it’s letting him wear your panties or trying out a new sex position, the answer is: not automatically. “Some inhibitions are good,” says Maxwell. “You should never feel forced into doing any sex act or using any sex toy that doesn’t feel right to you.” But it does pay to try to keep an open mind, adds Zilbergeld. “Just like in the rest of life, if all you ever do in bed is the familiar, you may be comfortable, but you’ll never grow.”

Your Strategy: You need some feedback. Since you’re not going to get any unbiased opinion from your lover, go straight to your girlfriends. “Just finding out information—like your friends have learned to love using a vibrator in front of their boyfriends but are sorry they never tried anal sex—will make you feel less isolated and self-conscious about your concerns,” says Maxwell. Then ask yourself if you’d be willing to try just once whatever your boyfriend has proposed. “Maybe you’ll find you love it,” says Zilbergeld. “If not, don’t just drop the idea of trying something new. Instead make your own suggestion.”

The Women Say
“I’m open-minded, but if my boyfriend ever suggested anything that involved animals, I’d say forget it.” —Deanna, 23, student

“Even sex can be dull if you always do it the same way. As long as both people consent to whatever it is they’re about to try, I think they should go for it—no matter how kinky it may seem.” —Tara, 25, caterer

The Men Say
“If I ever suggested anything that my girlfriend didn’t want to do, siyempre I’d be really embarrassed pero hindi ako magagalit. We can always do something else.” —Derek, 29, PR consultant

Sexual Requests
What he’s doing with his fingers feels nice—but, oh, how much nicer it would feel if he were doing it about one-quarter inch to the right. So why can’t you tell him? “Even if the most assertive women can have trouble making a sexual request,” says Keesling. “She may be afraid of sounding too demanding or offending her lover by implying that he’s doing something wrong. Or she may have bought into the myth that if he were the right man for her, he would know how to turn her on.” But the truth is, no man has Extra Sexual Perception. What he does have, however, is a sincere desire to please you—if you’ll just share the information.

Your Strategy: “Emphasize the positive,” says Keesling. “If he’s rubbing your clitoris raw, say, ‘I’m a little sensitive there. It would feel even better if you used a softer touch.’” If you can’t get the words out, gently take his hand and show him the motion you prefer adding a little moan of pleasure for emphasis. When he gets it right, let him know, and you may never have to show him again.

The Women Say
“I’m not big on being vocal. I guide him with my hand or show him how I feel through my body language. But sometimes I exaggerate the moans a little because he’s too engrossed in what we’re doing to notice.” —Janice, 25, nurse

“The worst thing you can do is let your man think he’s doing something good when he’s doing it completely wrong. You’re killing your own pleasure. I haven’t met a guy yet who didn’t want to please his mate. It’s okay to speak up.” —Kitty, 24, designer

The Men Say
“When I try something new, I ask my girlfriend whether I should go faster or slower, faster or harder. She just nods or shakes her head. It gets the point across.” —Gabby, 25, architect

“Guys aren’t always as sure of themselves as they pretend to be, so it helps when a girl is open about how she wants things done. And when my girlfriend takes charge of the situation, I think it’s a turn-on.” —Jovi, 27, entrepreneur

Sharing Your Fantasies
It can be tough telling your man that you’d like to make love on the beach without telling him that what you really fantasize about is making love on the beach with a bunch of hunky lifeguards watching. “Fantasies are difficult to share because you’re revealing your most secret sexual self to your lover—and you don’t want to seem weird,” says Keesling. “But believe me, in my experience as a sex therapist, I’ve found out that men’s fantasies are usually a lot weirder than ours.” And remember that you don’t actually have to play out any of these sexy scenarios. “Fantasies are difficult to re-enact just right,” adds Keesling. “If you’ve always fantasized about making love to a pirate and your man dresses up for you, he may end up looking more silly than sexy. But just talking about your fantasies in bed can be incredibly exciting for both of you.”

Your Strategy: Test his reaction by describing your fantasy as an erotic dream you had. If he seems turned on, you can suggest adding elements of it to your lovemaking (maybe the beach, but not the lifeguards). If you’re the timid top, spell out your secret wish, try renting a video with a similar scene. Then lean over and say, “I’ve always wanted to try that.” He’ll get the idea.

The Women Say
“I used to fantasize about making love in the ocean. Once we were at my boyfriend’s beach house, we took out his jet ski and parked it near a deserted cove. We were fooling around on the shore when I teased him about doing it in the ocean. He stood up and said, “I’ll race you to the water!’” —Gela, 22, account executive

“My boyfriend and I talk to each other about everything, so when I get a new idea, walang dyahe-dyahe! I say it right away.” —Vanessa, 24, Writer

The Men Say
“I’m afraid to suggest things to my girlfriend because I’m afraid she’ll think I’m a pervert. So if she ever suggested anything to me, I’d be so game to try it.” —Jacob, 26, engineer

His Top Sexual Inhibitions and What You Can Do to Help Him Get Over Them
Text by: Barrie Gillies

Performance anxiety. “The penis has to get and stay hard long enough to do the job—that pretty much sums up the erection concerns of men,” says sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld. “Problems do arise—a man may come too fast the first few times or even lose his erection.” If this happens, treat it as no big deal—show him other ways to please you.

Will-he-please-you worries. “A man thinks he’s supposed to know everything about sex, and well, he probably doesn’t,” says sex therapist Faye Heller. “A lot of men worry, ‘Am I going to be able to satisfy her?’” Adds Zilbergeld: “Men don’t want to be part of a slam-bam-thank-you-ma’am experience—he wants to feel as if his partner has gotten something out of their lovemaking.” Take the lead; let him know when you enjoy what he’s doing. And if he could be pleasing you even more, show him how.

Penis image problems. “Men think they should be bigger and wider or worry about the shape of their penis,” comments Zilbergeld. Any compliments directed that way are good—tell him how nice he feels inside you. “If a guy is really inhibited,” adds Zilbergeld, “like he won’t take off his underpants until the crucial moment, then it’s best not to call attention to his penis at all.” In bed, simply slip off his jockeys, telling him how much you like the feel of his thighs against yours. With time, he’ll relax.

“Is what I want to do weird?” “Men can be just as inhibited as women when it comes to sharing fantasies or talking about trying out new positions,” says Zilbergeld. Your man may be ashamed to ask you to hold his testicles or rub the outside of his anus while making love. Since he may be too embarrassed to tell you what he wants, just ask. Say, “Let me know what you like,” or even better, offer suggestions. Try out some of the stuff you’ve read about in books and say, “Do you like it when I do this?”