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“He’s everything I want,” I gushed to Ely, my best girlfriend since seventh grade. And she was happy for me. Really happy. Until I kept breaking our Saturday movie nights to be with Joey, the guy responsible for the twinkle in my eye. “He got us tickets for this German jazz group” or “I’m meeting his mom tonight…but I’ll make it up to you,” I would tell her apologetically. One night, she was unusually quiet. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You know, things are going to change,” she said looking away. “Of course not,” I said. Not to us. Didn’t we see each other through acne, our periods, our first dance, and that awful junior prom? Surely we could handle this. But Ely was right. As soon as Joey and I were an item, she and I drifted apart.

It’s the usual story: girl meets boy, gets smitten, and rides off into the sunset with him as her friends eat their dust while wishing her well. How often have you said “We should go out” to your barkada only to cancel at the last minute because “he called.” Our noblest efforts to stay in touch can crumble under the power of love. Eventually, Mister Wonderful gets top priority. And why not? “At first, you think he’s going to take away your loneliness, nurture all your interests, and make you feel complete,” says psychologist and relationship counselor Sophie Sim-Bate. It’s the classic ‘Someday my prince will come’ mentality we grew up with. “For 2,000 years, our psychic training has been to one day become a wife. You can be liberated all your life, but if you aren’t married (something in the back of your mind tells you) you’re nothing,” she says.

But in reality, life isn’t short and sweet like a Disney animated film. Face it—at some point your partner will fall short of meeting all your needs, leaving you frustrated and disillusioned. When that happens, who can you turn to?

Friends to the Rescue
“When George and I went ‘on’, I made major adjustments in my social life,” says twenty-eight-year-old Cheska, a youthful freelance writer. “I had my ‘buddies’—Dan, Gabby, and Benjie—and three sets of girlfriends I gimmicked with regularly.” But since George was her first, she wanted to make it perfect. “I vowed not to see my ‘boys’, no matter how safe they were, so George wouldn’t get jealous. They made tampo, but the girls were more understanding since they had their own love affairs.” When the relationship soured a year and 10 months later, Cheska had bags under her eyes from sleepless nights and lost seven pounds. But thanks to Paz, the only friend she was still in touch with, she got by. “I’d call at two in the morning, and she would just listen for hours about my pain,” says Cheska. “Paz is a jewel. Now I know I should never take her or any of my friends for granted.”

Likewise, twenty-seven-year-old Teresa counts her blessings. After her lover two-timed her with a younger woman, she was crushed. “I thought I was going to marry him,” recalls the petite boss of a coffee shop. “I ignored my best friend Pam’s warnings about Ernie’s pattern of ‘loving and leaving’ after three months.” Two days after their fourth month anniversary, he surprised her with a ‘let’s not see each other first’ talk. “I drove to Pam’s house that day and couldn’t stop crying. She just hugged me and didn’t even say ‘I told you so.’” Teresa also found comfort in a group at her church. “For one month (after the split), I went out every night so I wouldn’t make mukmok at home.” She learned how to bowl, splurged on Thai dinners, and even mustered up courage to sing at a karaoke bar. And it paid off—with one major bonus. Her closest buddy in the group—a 30-year-old engineer named Dexter—fell in love with her. Eight months after her tearful break-up, he proposed. Not only did Tere have a best friend, but a brand-new boyfriend as well.

In times of crisis, true friends are ready to rush to our aid—whether it’s a death of a loved one, loss of a job, health problems, or a broken relationship. “The very people you sidestep to be with Mister Wonderful are the same people you’ll run to in case he breaks your heart,” says Bate. So make it your goal to improve the quality of your non-romantic relationships—whether or note there’s a man in your life. “You have to realize that you build up the friendship before the crisis—and that takes a great investment of time and love,” she adds. Right here, some useful tips to strengthen the ties that bond.

Buddy Bonding Tips

1. Choose to connect. Don’t blame your spouse or boyfriend, your job, or the weather for failed friendships. The decision to nurture them is yours. Make that choice, and stand by it.
2. Make the first move. Chances are, friends won’t call you if (a) you have a boyfriend, or (b) you’re married, assuming you’re too busy to be bothered. Surprise them with a phone call or a message on their cellphone. Meeting up for lunch or coffee will do wonders for the quality of your relationship. Myrna, a thirty-three-year-old product manager who’s been engaged for three years, is thankful for friends who are “makulit” about reunions. “Otherwise, I would never see them,” she says.
3. Keep your life interesting. Don’t make your man the center of your universe. If it doesn’t work out, what does that leave you with? “It’ll be great if the man you love enjoys the same things you do, but chances are, you won’t be totally in synch,” says Bate. Her suggestion: don’t expect to do everything together. Sign up for an art class. Travel to Sagada. Write poetry. Do what you love, and find people who share your interests. Not only will this make you a more interesting person, but it relieves your partner of the pressure to satisfy ALL your needs.
4. Make your lover your best friend. Imbibe friendship qualities into your romance. “Friendships are less demanding, hence have less expectations. They allow you to be yourself because it is easier to accept the other for who she or he is,” says Bate. By striking the balance of romance and friendship, you’ll have a more fulfilling relationship.
5. Invest in the best. Unlike family, you can choose your friends. Go for ‘soul friendships,’ says Bate. In his book Soul Mates, Thomas Moore writes that “We are all made up of many worlds and friendship brings one or more of those worlds to life.” Try to ease out friends by default or those that don’t nourish us. Says one media buyer from Manila of her best friend: “After talking to her, I always feel more positive. I’m no longer depressed and come away feeling my life’s been changed somehow.”
6. Renewal via rituals. A monthly all-girls’ night out, lunch, a shopping spree, a badminton game, or even a manicure make for terrific female bonding. One girl I know goes out for bimonthly massages with girlfriends to pamper both body and soul.
7. Keep on keeping in touch. Make that phone call, write a letter, send them text messages, or send e-mail. I personally like the last one, and make it a point to send my friends virtual greetings once a week to update them on what’s happening in my life (love or otherwise).

Remember, like love, friendship is what you make it. And if friends truly matter to you, then give your relationships top priority in your life.

While we tend to assume they’ll always be there anyway, to do such would be to take them for granted—and who wants that? In the words of Mikka, a 26-year-old real estate executive, “A boyfriend or a husband can just leave you one day. But friends—real friends—kahit papano, they’ll stay by your side. They’re there for you. I know because mine always have been.”