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Maybe it began with the fairy tales we were read as children. Maybe it was those sappy radio romances our yayas listened to. It might have even been the Barbara Cartland novels that got left around the house by lovesick older sisters or old maid aunts. Who knows? All we do know, and most of us will readily admit to this, is the average Filipina longs for a man who will romance her, who will fill her life with heart stopping moments, with the trappings of passionate love and gallantry. We want to be swept off our feet. Someone who will play Prince Charming to our Cinderella. We want the chocolate, the candy hearts, the red roses, and the candlelit dinners. We want our hearts to flutter, our breath to catch, we want our eyes as starry as every twinkling star in the sky. So what? What’s so wrong with that?

Nothing at all of course. Except that when you consider the average Juan de la Cruz, needing romance is sort of like setting yourself up for disappointment. Especially when he gives you a dictionary for Valentine’s Day, when you were looking for an elegant piece of jewelry. The older generation insists that the lack of romance is not a cultural trait, rather a trend of cyber generation. Grandmothers and great aunts tell many romantic stories: how they were serenaded in the moonlight. How a field of wildflowers was picked and blossoms strewn in the path on which she tread as they made their way down the road for their nightly walk. How the love poems of Shakespeare and Emily Dickenson were recited in her ear as they sat on the porch, inhaling the scent of dama de noche.

Certainly, romance is far from dead for this generation. Even today, the creative energy spent on romance is inexhaustible. Greeting cards and flower shops still make bustling business in February. Stories are still exchanged and sighed over. Girls still suffer pangs of envy when their man is not as romantic as another. We still have bouts of wishfulness: If only he were a little more romantic, a voice inside whispers. You can just bet we’re picturing that fairytale prince and his soulful eyes.

The Anti-Romantic
If your guy is like most guys, he’s probably the anti-romantic. It’s not that romance isn’t important, it’s just that, right now, a lot of other things are more important. Besides, your guy might protest, we had romance in the beginning. Now, we’re having reality.

That’s what most guys are like. Romance is for the courtship stage, the wooing and the capturing of their love. Once the beautiful bird is in the hand, most guys feel free to work on the other aspects of their lives…their career, their business, etc. Romance? Why should he romance you…you already said you love each other?

According to Warren Farrell, author of Why Men are the Way They Are, many women simply choose the wrong man. The very qualities that make a man seem like a fabulous catch—drive, ambition, financial success—can also be warning signals. “These men are often successful because of a preoccupation with their work to the exclusion of virtually everything else,” he says. “They’re the men who are least likely to be romantic after the courtship stage is over.”

Stephen, 31, rationalizes his lack of romance: “Love shouldn’t be about the ritual culture dictates men should jump through. I resent the fact that if I don’t present her with three red roses, I’m supposedly not in love with her. Why are there societal gestures—most of them Western by the way—supposed to be the measure of my love? How many candlelit dinners can you have before the concept gets old? I assure you, not that many.”

So, are you destined to live with zero romance when you’re in love with an anti-romantic? Not necessarily.

Mara, 26, likes the challenge of converting an anti-romantic. “Men are competitive. I’m attracted to ambitious men, men who are on the way up. But it’s true. Often they’re just too busy.” What does she do? Mara claims she makes an appeal to the man’s competitive nature. “I am very affectionate and very romantic. It’s my nature. So I act on my impulse. I send a lot of love notes. I even sent my boyfriend flowers. I like the rituals of romance and I perform them, without regard for whether they’ll be reciprocated or not.” What usually happens is they are reciprocated. “When you shower a man with romantic affection, he usually has no choice but to reciprocate. Otherwise, napapahiya siya.” Mara believes that when you treat your man the way you want to be treated, very often he will start to do the same, in his own way.

Now, can you expect your anti-romantic man to turn into a passionate Romeo overnight? Of course not. But if you live by example, you might just be able to get him to pay attention to you, and not his laptop. The point is, you needn’t live with romance, for as long as you can express your own romantic energy.

Stereotypical Romance = Stereotypical Expectations
The other side of the coin. You are in love with a guy who is the stuff of romance. Call yourself lucky, sure, but also be wary.

When Kim met Ricky last year, all her dreams of a romantic man came true. There was nobody as thoughtful or romantic as Ricky. He put out all the stops and was the epitome of gallantry and passionate affection. He showered Kim with attention, both material and non-material. He performed all the conventional gestures of romance with quiet steady assurance, like a man with drive.

Ricky wooed Kim in the most traditional sense of the word, laying out the red carpet for her and seeing that she wanted nothing. Kim recalls confessing to her girlfriends how very cherished Ricky made her feel. How very precious she was to him—he wouldn’t let her do anything, whether it was pick up the check, get her car tuned up, or drive anywhere at night. He accompanied her on all those errands, fetched her, and brought her anywhere she needed to go. He was wildly jealous and sweetly possessive. He wanted to know where she was every minute of the day, and in fact, would call her and page her for this very purpose. All of these things thrilled Kim, as the saying goes, to her very bones and at the end of the short month of courtship, she agreed to be his wife. They had only met three months before.

Right now, Ricky and Kim live in the States, where he is climbing the corporate ladder and she is keeping house for him. Friends of theirs have heard Kim cautiously complain that she doesn’t have much to do, that she wishes she too could pursue her own career. Apparently, Ricky expects her to be a very traditional wife, to stay at home, keep house, and tend to the children. He already said that he did not want her to work outside the house. Fortunately for Ricky, Kim loves him that much, she is willing to compromise and make those sacrifices, though wistfully, she advises her friends, “There are always trade-offs.”

While there are no hard and fast rules, many times, a man who is into the rites and rituals of conventional romance is also a man who has very conventional ideas about love, marriage, and the role of the woman. While we all know there is nothing wrong with tradition or convention, it may be hard for a nineties woman to tolerate all these expectations when she herself wants to pursue her own professional dreams. There is, as Kim has said, a trade-off. You may crave and yearn for romance, but be aware that generally, the men who buy into stereotypical romance are also the men who want you barefoot, pregnant, and poring over Julia Child by the time you’re 31.

The Romantic Expert
Women who long for a romantic man should also be aware of the Romantic Expert. Or even, the romantic Sexpert. These are men who turn you into putty in their hands because they are so skillful at performing the rites and rituals, but the personal element, the sincerity is missing.

And how do we know that? Let’s just say a few willing men sold their buddies out.

Listen to What One of Them Has to Say…
“Guys know what you girls want. Guys know what gets them blinded. Some guys are manipulative enough to get what they want out of a girl, most usually, it’s sex.” Confesses Jim, a 32-year-old entrepreneur, who has been involved with more than his share of women.

“I was taught by a romantic expert in high school. He was a real lothario, a guy who had all the girls going crazy, even though he was not all that good looking. It was that he knew exactly how to push their buttons.”

According to Jim, he learned from a master. He was told he didn’t have to be in love with a girl to get her to sleep with him; all he had to do was act like he was in love with her. And how did he do that? “The guy knew every trick in the book; he knew all the ways of being galante. He even told me how many seconds exactly to look into a girl’s eyes before kissing her. He taught me to start to say something at the end of the date… like, “You know… I…” then stop, as if it is too difficult to continue. Then she would think I was in love with her. He taught me how to order at restaurants, how to caress the side of her wrist. He even directed me to his suki in Divisoria who gave him long-stemmed roses at half-price,” says Jim. “You do all these things, and in the end, the girl is yours. You get to sleep with her.”

Ladies, this should send a chill or two down your spine. Keep your eyes open the next time you feel that romantic chill, and watch out.

Camille, 31, believes she is astute enough to distinguish between genuine romance and manipulative lines. “It’s just something you feel. When a guy gets ultra-poetic, almost as if he’s playing a role or reciting lines—then you know. Masyadong expert, parang it wouldn’t matter who you were.”

Jenny, 27, says, “You should be suspicious if a guy just met you and suddenly he’s Mr. Romantic. I mean, sure, I believe in love at first sight, but the truth is, it’s usually lust at first sight. I find I’m always saying, how can you love me, you don’t even know me.”

Take it from Jim. The bottom line is there are experts out there, preying on foolishly girlish hearts who believe romance is all there is. It’s a weapon, a tool, and there are men out there who will use it to their advantage.

Redefining Romance
So where does that leave us, those of us who put a premium on a romance with a capital R? Are we destined to hunger for what we cannot have, or cast a suspicion on it when we do receive it, for fear of ulterior motives and expectations?

No, of course not. As in all things, what is required is an awareness and at the same time, balance. It’s true, romance is one of those elements in a relationship that make it worthwhile, and many will tell you, most romantic gestures are very sincere. All we’re saying is, a woman should not let romance go to her head. She shouldn’t allow these thrills of the heart prevent her from using her head.

At the same time, perhaps a redefining of romance is in order. What we should work towards is putting importance on a different kind of romance, veer away from the conventional towards the unconventional, or even the more personal. After all, what is a bunch of red roses if your favorite flower is the tulip? What are evenings of candlelight and dancing, if you are a morning person and have to be in bed by nine? We should look at the last heart of a gesture and find it’s personal meaning.

Gina, 25, could not agree more. Last Valentine’s Day, she and her boyfriend, Alan, opted to stay in, eating pizza and renting a video. “We didn’t want the hassle of traffic, getting a reservation at a restaurant. And I certainly didn’t want him to spend money on roses, not at the prices they were on last week. We had a wonderful, cozy, relaxing evening…just cuddling together.” The couple went and had a candlelit dinner the following weekend, and Alan did surprise her with a bouquet of flowers.

May, 24, enjoys her boyfriend’s brand of romance. For her birthday, which lands smack in the middle of summer, he gifted her with an electric fan. The card said, “Love, from your Number 1 Fan!”

Karen, 32, tells how her husband brought tears to her eyes when out of the blue, he presented her with a scrapbook of mementoes from their years together, including among other things, the receipt from their first date, the bus tickets of their first bus ride together, and a little note she had passed to him when they were classmates in college.

All these gestures represent the heart of romance, and are meaningful because they are personal. Clearly, romantic energy is being expressed, which is a good thing. The small simple facts of romance that are specific to a couple’s context and circumstances, these are of more value than the elaborate, expensive gestures the society has labeled romantic. Often, it’s just as simple as going out and enjoying each other’s company. As author Michael Morgenstern suggests in his book Return to Romance, “Romance is an art that must be consciously and continually practiced and polished—and dating, that old-fashioned, somewhat formal but delightful custom we all seemed to embrace enthusiastically as teenagers, is one of romance’s most effective mediums.”

Romance is not dead, thank goodness for us. But we should remember that wily men have captured many a girlish heart in its name, just because of the way we are blinded by it. The challenge lies in keeping enough of the genuine item in our lives, and still having the sense to live for the happiness that real life brings.