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It’s no big mystery that guys aren’t always super adept at expressing what’s on their minds—at least with words. You see, many men haven’t yet evolved enough emotionally to articulate what they want out of their romantic arrangements. As far as they’re concerned, the most effective means of getting a message across is to act in confusing and ambiguous ways, hoping women will utilize some sixth sense to figure out what the hell is really going on. In other words, guys sometimes play games—with your head. The scary thing is that there are times when they’re not even aware they’re putting these annoying little ploys into action. So before jumping into the conclusion that a man is screwing with your psyche just for the sport of it, here’s an insider’s look at four classic cerebral stunts and what guys are really getting at when they pull them.

Mind Game 1: He casually mentions that a coworker has a crush on him.
The scene: You’re relishing a romantic dinner with your man when talk turns to work. In between bitching about his boss and boasting about his latest client coup, he casually mentions that “Barb said she thinks I’m cute.” (Barb being the busty bachelorette every guy within drooling distance has a major rager for.)

Now all guys know that subtly slipping a comment like this into the conversation is bound to get your jealousy juices flowing, but making you feel threatened isn’t his true motive. What he’s really trying to say is “Other women want me, so if you’re even remotely considering bailing, you’d better rethink because I’ll be snatched up in a heartbeat.” So while on the surface he seems like he’s trying to take a potshot at your self-esteem, what he’s actually doing is giving you a window into his own insecurities. “A few months into our relationship, my girlfriend copped this attitude like she thought she had me eating out of the palm of her hand,” explains Leon, 29. “One day, I mentioned that this new girl at the gym was really flirty with me. It wasn’t even true, but I wanted her to know that I wasn’t exactly chopped liver as far as other women were concerned.”

And while your every instinct may be telling you to rub his face in tales of hotties who want your tail, the best way to banish this immature and manipulative behavior is to toss your boy a few ego-stroking bones. Tell him how good his hair looks, how awesome he is at air hockey—anything that sends him a signal that you still sweat him…and only him.

Mind Game 2: He ignores your birthday.
I’ve come to realize—the hard way—that few things offend a woman more than blowing off her birthday. But it’s the very fact that females consider the event so significant that leads guys to pull a no-show, especially if it occurs in the embryonic stage of dating—i.e., the first two months. “Acknowledging a girl’s birthday when I’ve only been seeing her for a few weeks sends the message that I’m looking for something serious,” says Ted, 27. “And at that point, I have no idea what I want, so I figure it’s better not to make a fuss.”

Just as some women have a set idea about how long they should wait to sleep with a guy, men put an embargo on intimacy. And offering gifts, flowers—heck, even an electronic greeting card—is rushing things in our opinions. By singling out your birthday, a guy feels he’s conceding to a certain level of comfort and closeness. He wants those things, but only if he’s controlling the timetable. So if your new hookup spaces your special day, it’s not the end of the world. We just haven’t warmed up to the idea that there’s a happy medium between giving you nothing and offering up an engagement ring. A sweet phone call isn’t too much to ask. I’ll start spreading the word.

Mind Game 3: He insists on a guys’ night out.
Men live in perpetual fear that an attached status spells doom for all guy-centered activities and that in a matter of months we’ll dissolve into a Snackwell-munching, ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S.’-watching mess. Unless, that is, we set aside some time for testosterone therapy, otherwise known as guys’ night out. “Once I was so into a girl that I blew off my friends for three weeks straight,” says Duncan, 25. “Then one day I caught myself recapping an episode of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ for a female coworker and I freaked. It took several days of intense hang time with the boys to reverse the damage.”

Like it or not, insisting on attending basketball games, drinking marathons, and yes, the occasional strip club is the only way to quell the feeling that our romantic relationship will swallow us whole. Besides, contrary to popular belief, we aren’t using these unsupervised outings to shop the market. So long as it doesn’t exceed the recommended weekly allowance of two nights (three during play-off season), let him think he’s still the boss of him. And by the way, the reason he shrouds these men-only nights in mystery is that nothing exciting enough to make you anxious really goes on.

Mind Game 4: He’s obviously into you but still won’t agree to exclusivity.
When a guy admits he’s head-over-heels for you but still won’t concede to stop seeing other people, it can only mean one cliché thing: He wants to have his cake and eat it too—though he’d never sum up his creep-like conduct in quite that way.

Attempting to pass off this contradictory statement is the mother of all mind games. In fact, we don’t even fully understand why we do it, because this inexplicable fear of commitment is innate. So perhaps it’s best to rely on an analogy. Like a kid who stays home on a sick day, we desperately want to skip school and OD on cartoons but are deathly afraid of missing the single, most exciting recess in history. Put another way, we’re conflicted—we both love and hate the idea of devoting our lives to one woman. “This sounds crazy but I slept withy someone else because I liked the girl I was dating more than I was willing to admit,” says 24-year-old Peter. “I thought she might actually be The One and I suddenly felt I needed to sow those last few oats before I swore off other women forever.”

And as much as we hate to admit it, no guy would blame a girl for not laboring over this lame brainteaser. But if you care to try to beat him at his own game, there are a few things you can do. First, don’t act too available. A guy won’t run screaming from commitment when he’s not even sure why you’re pushing for one. In other words, apply the laws of supply and demand—the less he sees you, the more he’ll want to see you. Secondly, don’t let him in on every detail of your social schedule. Pretend your organizer contains for-your-eyes-only info by refusing to let him touch it: when he asks who you’re meeting for dinner, vaguely say “friends” and let him ponder the possibilities. In short, show him that game playing can work both ways.

The Games Girls Play
Guys rants about the times you screw their psyches.

“When girls ask if they’re fat—they’re just fishing for a compliment.” —James, 21

“I can’t stand ‘the tease.’ When a woman is all over me but has no intention of really hooking up—that’s mean.” —Robert, 20

“I ask what’s wrong and she says ‘nothing.’ Then later when I ask her why she isn’t speaking to me, she says, ‘Because I’m mad.’ What kind of game is that?” —Joe, 26

“My girlfriend tracks me down when I’m hanging with friends to help her with some disaster that must be taken care of immediately: She burned her dress while ironing or her computer has a virus. It’s like she’s testing me by forcing me to choose who’s more important—her or my friends.” —Dino, 24

“When she says she just wants to be friends yet continues to call and plan our evenings together, as if we were a couple. I want to say, ‘You can’t have it both ways—which is it?’” —Albert, 23