femalenetwork.com

He’s a total babe, crazy for you, and makes you moan nonstop in bed—but sometimes you wonder if he’s in serious need of a hearing aid because nothing you say seems to get through. Before you run out and buy your hottie a deluxe Miracle-Ear or enroll in a sign-language course, consider this: As experts delve into the male mind, they’re finding that how and what he hears is fundamentally different from how and what you hear and say. And that you need to rework your verbal approach in specific ways if you want to bridge that language chasm.

“The key to communicating with men is understanding how the things they want out of a discussion differ from what we want,” explains Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., sociolinguist and author of You Just Don’t Understand (Ballantine, 1990). While your guy expects to get cold, hard info and to secure his status through a verbal give-and-take, you talk to consolidate relationships through broader-based banter. Sure, your girlfriends groove on tidbits and tangents, but those details are conversational static to your need-to-know guy. That’s why men often come off as abrupt to women and women seem so overly chatty to men.

The good news? It takes just a little understanding of these gender discourse differences to avoid hurt feelings and snagged plans with your man—and make him not only listen but coax him to talk. Here, the three principles of man-speak that you need to know to crack his code and find a way to connect.

Male-Mind Mantra 1: Facts are friendlier than feelings.
“I almost gave up on Phillip,” says Jennifer, 31. “We’d been out on several dates, and although he was funny and outgoing, whenever we’d talk about anything personal, he’d just shut down and start starting into space.” Uncaring jerk? Not necessarily, cautions John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men and Women are from Venus (HarperCollins, 1992). “Men are simply more comfortable talking about things based in fact—like news events and sports scores.” So exchanging thoughts on the mayor’s latest screw-up is his way of getting close to you—even though it may feel like a brush off.

The key to guiding him into more emotional conversational territory so you can feel more connected is to meet him on his own ground first by bringing up fact-based subjects well within his comfort zone. “Phillip and I both had a crazy obsession with books—we’d have these great conversations about who wrote what and which author was better than another,” says Jennifer. “Over the course of a few dates, I started talking more and more about the plots, asking him what he thought of so-and-so ditching her beau and found that he really opened up about how he felt about stuff. After that, it was much easier to talk about all sorts of things—including our relationship—that were more emotional.”

If you are in an established relationship and he goes on a sentiment strike, resist the urge to pull him into a feelings forum by getting hysterical. Instead, involve him by talking super-rationally about emotional subjects, advises Gray. Stay calm; focus on exactly what’s the matter and tell him in a way that’s simple and to the point. “If I say, ‘I’m upset because this is the third time you’ve been late,’ then I’ll talk about it,” says Linda, 22. “It’s the psychobitch rattling on about things that he can’t handle.”

And yes, you do have to silence some of the really emotional talk that’s fine with your girlfriends. “I’ve had clients tell me, ‘I need to go on about this because I’m very upset about it, and I have a right to feel that way,’” says Marian K. Woodall, author of How to Talk So Men Will Listen (Contemporary, 1993). “My response is: ‘That’s fine, but do you want to be right? Or do you want to be heard?’”

Male-Mind Mantra 2: Problems must be solved.
“My office went through a takeover and the situation got pretty grim for me,” says Janice, 29. “When I tried to vent about it to Miko, he’d immediately give me advice like, ‘Tell them to go to hell.’ But I didn’t want to know what to do, I wanted the space to feel.” Trouble is, the default setting of the male psyche is “take action”, and if he can’t take physical action, he’ll take verbal action—and you’ll get unwanted advice.

So, when you’re in the mood just to vent, say so—very specifically. “When I tell women all they have to do is say so to their guys, ‘You don’t need to solve this, I just need you to hear it,’ the men with them always say yesss!” says Woodall. Think of it this way: You’re just redirecting your man’s natural instinct to problem-solve, and as long as you give him the sign that he’s fixing something, he’ll feel satisfied—and he’ll keep listening.

Male-Mind Mantra 3: When it comes to talk, less is more.
“Ron never lets me finish a sentence,” complains Cristina, 25. “Just when I get into a story, he’ll interrupt or cut me off. I don’t get why he does that. All my female friends tell me I’m wildly funny.” But Ron says he’s doing what he has to do. “I interrupt because she can’t get to the point. I can listen for 10 minutes and not even figure out what we’re talking about.”

This is another classic case of mismatched goals: Cristina’s using conversation to flesh out relationships; Ron sees it as a tool to get things done. No surprise then that research shows men are responsible for 93 percent of all conversational interruptions. “Women simply use too many words for men,” says Lillian Glass, Ph.D., author of He Says, She Says: Closing the Communication Gap Between the Sexes (Perigee, 1995). “Women tend to offer more details, use more qualifiers and adjectives, and veer off the subject when they talk.”

To get and keep his attention, be brief. Glass suggests putting together a mini-presentation: “State the who, what, when, and why briefly, then tackle the most important issues first.” Wrap up (as you would any good business meeting) when you’ve reached an agreement. A conversation about holiday plans might start with, “We should book our vacation soon, do you still want to go kayaking? Can we figure out our schedules and our budget?” and end up “Then we’re set. Hawaii, mid-October. I’ll make reservations tomorrow.” That way, you’ve sent a crystal-clear “goal achieved” signal that he can appreciate.

Grab His Attention with these tips and he’ll be all ears!
“I’ve been with Alan long enough (10 years) to realize that it’s really not that he never listens, it’s more of a case of perennial wrong timing. I used to just blurt out my kuwentos and questions anytime I felt like it and got frustrated and even angry when he couldn’t hear a word I had said. Later on he told me that I liked to pick the worst possible time to expect his undivided attention, like the last two minutes of a basketball game on TV! Now I know better and pick the right time to bring up a serious conversation, like maybe when we’re having dinner or during those last few minutes before we doze off in bed.”
—Melba, 32, accountant

“You can’t use this technique very often but it really works. When he’s spacing out and can’t be bothered to lend an ear, I burst into the room screaming, “OH MY GOD! Guess what? You’ll never believe what I’m about to tell you! Guess who….” and then I proceed with my story, even if it isn’t even intriguing or controversial at all. By the time he realizes my story is just one of your daily humdrum accounts, it’s too late—he’s heard it already, ha ha.”
—Irene, 29, personnel manager

“Whenever I want to tell my boyfriend something and he’s preoccupied, I kiss him on the cheek and in my softest, sweetest voice say, ‘Honey, you know what…’ while unbuttoning the first button of his shirt. Once I have his undivided attention, I say whatever it is I have to say. It works every time!”
—Marian, 21, trader

“I find that the best time for a serious talk is during long car drives. It’s a whole lot more casual and relaxed than scaring the hell out of him by saying, ‘Honey, we need to talk.’ In the car, there’s no escaping each other, so neither of you can really walk out (unless it’s that bad!). Also, you don’t really have to look at each other in the eyes while talking, which is also less confrontational. There’s also less distractions besides the driver having to keep an eye on the road, and maybe the radio. Try it the next time you need him to really listen!”
—Patricia, 28, dancer