If you go on enough dates, you eventually come to realize some simple truths: Some dates are really great. Some dates are not so great. And some dates make hara-kiri by dull butter knife seem like a viable alternative to spending one more minute in a certain man’s company. When a date turns from bad to awful, all you want to know is: How do I get the hell out of here?
That was the question facing my friend Monica on a recent night out. “It was my first date with this guy, and he invited me to dinner at his place,” she recalls. “But when I arrived, his parents were there. That was weird enough, but all during dinner, they kept asking me really personal questions, like what my religious beliefs were.” Monica was being grilled like a guest star on a showbiz talk show, and it was time to break out of the interrogation. “After an hour and a half, I said that I felt sick, went to the bathroom, and climbed out the window.”
A daring escape, yes, but one that’s not always practical, especially if your man of the moment lives on the 15th floor. So the next time your date bores you, frightens you, or seems to have just spent A Night at the Roxbury, try one of these four exit plans.
Dating Def-Con 1: Mr. Nice-But-Not-For-You
Your best friend set you up with a guy who looks just like Keanu Reeves’ little brother, but now you’re halfway through dinner and he won’t stop talking about how his ex-girlfriend broke his heart. Plus, he’s wearing argyle everything and you think you just caught a whiff of your dad’s cologne. This guy may be somebody’s idea of Mr. Right—he’s just not yours. Problem is, you can’t bear to hurt his feelings. Before you know it, he’ll be puckering up for a good-night kiss and/or asking for another date. Yikes!
“You have to make sure he knows you’re not interested,” says Jeanne Martinet, author of Come-ons, Comebacks, and Kiss-Offs (St. Martin’s Press, 1997). She recommends softening your rejection with flattery. Try something like, “Well, we don’t have much in common, but I think you’re the funniest, smartest, sweetest, wittiest, fill-in-the-blank guy I’ve ever met.” Ask him if it would be okay to give his phone number to one of your friends who’d be just perfect for him. “He’s going to feel rejected no matter what you do,” says Martinet, “but complimenting him while still stressing that he’s not your type will help him walk away with his dignity intact.”
Dating Def-Con 2: Mr. Don’t-You-Want-Me
This guy has been following you around the gym for weeks. He’s always offering to spot you on the incline leg-press or hold your feet while you do sit-ups just so he can sneak a few furtive glances up the legs of your shorts. Finally, you give in and go out on a date with him, because after all, he isn’t a complete jerk. Then he takes you dancing and rubs against you so hard, he crushes the crotch of your velvet pants. Unfortunately, it’s going to take more than a polite dismissal at the end of the night to convince Mr. Passionate that his eager beaver attitude isn’t working for you.
“This is no time to be subtle,” says Martinet. “For men with major egos, anything remotely positive that you say could be misinterpreted as a mating call.” Your best bet may be to bring up a topic that will unplug his love machine. Like, “I’m just dying to get married and have a baby!” “My last boyfriend was incredibly well-endowed, and ever since then, anything less than 12 inches just makes me laugh,” or “Buy me a drink. Alcohol helps my yeast infection.”
Dating Def-Con 3: Mr. Lewd, Crude, and Utterly Rude
Okay, the guy sitting across from you at the table doesn’t have a single thing going for him. He called you “Babycakes” 10 minutes after meeting you, leered at the waitress as she walked away, and now he’s telling you that all women are good for is cooking food and having babies. You don’t want to be breathing the same air as this guy, much less go out with him again.
“You could just get up and walk out,” says Martinet, “but sometimes it’s easier to avoid a scene by coming up with a creative excuse.” Tell him that you have to check your messages, she suggests. Come back looking distraught and explain earnestly that your 90-year-old neighbor called and you have to run to the pharmacy before it closes to pick up her prescription. “Another great getaway move is to start rummaging through your purse while becoming more and more agitated,” says Martinet, “then mutter something about losing your medication, a winning lottery ticket, your keys, wallet, whatever, and insist that you have to leave to go find it.” Chances are the jerk won’t offer to help.
Dating Def-Con 4: Mr. Su-Casa-Es-Mi-Casa
The date sucked but you took pity on him and offered him a cup of coffee. Now it’s pushing 2:00 a.m. and he just won’t leave. You’ve already made mistake number one, says Martinet. “Never invite a guy into your home just to be nice. It’s better to be rude than to end up in a situation where you’re not comfortable.” That said, there are three ways to pry the leering lug from your sofa: Send him out. “Suggest an errand that will be worth his while,” says Martinet. Tell him nothing turns you on more than chocolate ice cream, but…oops, you’re out. “Guys will do just about anything if they think it will lead to sex.” Then, the minute he’s gone, lock the doors and turn off the lights.
Scare him out. Tell him your partners are coming in from out of town and should be at your apartment any minute. Or your brother, who just got out of prison. Or your boyfriend the linebacker. Anything that makes it clear that sex is not an option.
Gross him out. Confessing your inexplicable rash or disgusting bodily discharges may backfire—especially if he tells every other guy in town about how your date ended. But when a guy just won’t leave, sometimes you have to pull out all the stops. Something along the lines of “My toenail fungus is really bothering me. Can you give me a foot massage?” should deter even the most ardent suitor.
“Wish I ditched that date!”
I was set up with this guy—a tall, strapping jock who was really shy and quiet. I’m a writer so I didn’t mind doing all the asking. But it got pretty boring since the most personal thing he asked was my magazine’s circulation! I didn’t know that he asked a guy friend to join us. I did my best to have an okay time. At about 1:30 am, we got the bill and left. As we slowed down in front of my house, he said, “All right, thanks!” and unlocked his door (he had power locks) without getting down to open mine. I thanked him and got out. But before I could even wave to him, he sped off. I didn’t expect to hear from him again—until he called me 5 days later…to set me up with his friend!!!
—Nicola, 27, journalist
I didn’t have a date to the junior prom. A few days before the big night, my older sis came rushing home from the gym. “Have I got the date for you—he’s cute, funny, and well-built.” I trusted her taste and said yes. On prom night, I dressed to the nines. When my doorbell rang, there was my date three inches shorter than me (and I’m not tall!) standing on my doorstep, dressed in a tuxedo. He had long curly hair, a mustache, and an overdeveloped chest. He arrived in a cab, so I had to make last-minute arrangements to borrow my dad’s car. At the prom, he was very friendly—so friendly he flirted with one of my groupmates! He even told me my friend was really cute and how can he ask her out. Thank God my barkada was there—otherwise I would’ve asked him to take a taxi home!
—Bessie, 28, stylist
My friend set me up with this really cute guy, and we planned to go to this party. When we got there, who should be there but his ex-girlfriend with a date—the one who recently broke his heart. To get her attention and express his grief, he left me and hooked up with this girl. I didn’t see him all night until the owner of the house said my date was caught smooching with a girl in one of the bedrooms. I was outraged! Later on, he came back looking for me, and said I should find my way home since he was too drunk and depressed to drive me home!
—Jeanette, 23, high school teacher
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