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“It’s not going anywhere.” Of all the relationship moans, this is the most common (followed closely by “He never lifts a finger” or “He wouldn’t know a clitoris if it jumped up and bit him.”) But where, pray, are we expecting it to go? Many of us treat a new relationship like a train journey. We become fixated with the arrival of every step—the first ‘I love you,’ moving in together—according to our personal timetables, and we forget to enjoy the journey. It’s certainly OK to know what you want in life (if you want a family, don’t marry a man who loathes babies). But many expectations are far less reasonable—and so many deep-rooted that we don’t even know we have them. Some come from books, some from films, and plenty from our own unique histories and experiences. And not all of them we’d be proud to own up to. Like, ‘I expect you to worship me like Daddy did or else.’ Arrrgh! They can be unrealistically high, perfectly reasonable, or tragically low like, ‘I expect you to treat me like dirt because everyone else has.’ Whatever your expectations are, they’re nothing to be ashamed of. And just being aware of them can turn your relationships—even your life—around.

The Princess Expectation
When Angela, 33, fell in love with Steve, all her relationships expectations were challenged. “My ex treated me like a princess: he was very complimentary and openly affectionate,” she says. “Steve was cold and unappreciative by comparison. He’d never spontaneously tell me I was beautiful, or say ‘I love you’; although if I’d asked him, he’d say how much he cared. He acted committed in other ways—cooking my favorite food, watching When Harry Met Sally instead of Die Hard II—but because he didn’t match my romantic expectations, I didn’t really believe he loved me. So, one day, I had a fling with one of his friends. We broke up as a result and Steve said he could never really trust me after that. I wish now I’d realized that, although he didn’t behave like a chocolate-box boyfriend, he still cared.”

The ‘He’ll Change’ Expectation
The absolute worst expectation you can have in a relationship, bar none, is the one where you expect the other person to change. They won’t. Madeleine, 35, had a 10-year-relationship with an alcoholic. “He always said, ‘We’ll get married when I stop drinking; we’ll have a baby when I stop drinking.’ And I believed him,” she says. “I was in a constant state of waiting to get on with my life. Eventually, after I’d tried to fix him up with every counselor I met and tried to make him join every support group I could find, I realized he wasn’t going to do it. Once I stopped expecting him to do what he said he would, I left him.”

Relationship counselor and spokesperson Lucy Selleck believes women are trained to fix things as part of their roles as nurturers, and our expectations can be fatally tangled up in desiring the impossible. “Again and again I see women who want to change things while the men are happy with the relationship as it is and don’t want or need to move on,” she explains. “While relationships do move and change, women often expect their partner will change, when often he won’t or can’t.”

Selleck agrees expectations can impede happiness. “When we first meet someone, we can have unrealistic expectations about what they’re going to be like, and what they’ll achieve. So when, say, he doesn’t land the job we thought he would/doesn’t have the ambition he hoped/doesn’t send flowers every week, we feel let down.”

The ‘I Want It Now’ Expectation
This is when you expect events to happen in a certain way, in a certain order, in a certain time frame. Like, ‘I expect him to call within two days of a date (and I’ll be mad if he doesn’t).’ How many potential love-fests have fallen at this first hurdle? Other time-sensitive versions include expecting him to say ‘I love you’ after three months, or expecting marriage on your first anniversary. Marina, 32, also knows how destructive such expectations can be: “When I hit 30, I felt completely on the shelf. I remember saying to Martin, ‘I never expected to be 30 and not be married.’ So after how many hints, he eventually proposed. And it didn’t work. I was focused more on my expectation of my life than on whether he was the one.” This makes something as organic as love seem goal-oriented as Marks & Spencer’s mission statement, and means we can have our eyes fixed so firmly on the successful completion of our plan, we’ll miss out on present delights. You forget how to appreciate how gorgeous he looks first thing in the morning, or how comforting it feels when he wraps himself around you last thing at night. And you make yourself miserable. “I fell for Jake hard and fast,” says Maggie, 26. “We had a fantastic time, but I thought I could only have a proper, grown-up relationship if we lived together. He said it was too soon, yet I nagged him so mercilessly we started rowing. In the end, my friend brought me to my senses by saying, ‘You’re so unhappy, what on earth would you want to move in together now for?’” According to Selleck, “It’s important to have goals—life would be flat without them. But you can’t expect your partner to always be at the same place as you; or at the same level. Don’t expect him to level with you all the time.”

The ‘If You Loved Me, You’d Do It’ Expectation
Here’s where we find expectations like, ‘If you love me, you’d wash up/listen to me moan/not eyeball other women.’ “We expect things quite selfishly, on a daily basis, and often our partners can’t come up with the goods,” says Selleck. We may want him to cheer us up after a bad day. He may have had a hard day, too, yet we’ll fell let down if he doesn’t help us the way we want. Similarly, a modern woman does expect her man to be a modern man. And often, unfortunately, he isn’t.

Sarah, 28, found this, to her cost, after marrying James. “We didn’t live together first,” she says. “And I expected him to take a half share in everything domestic. What I failed to recognize was he’d been living with his mother and was used to having everything done for him. We had endless arguments and eventually split up because I just wasn’t willing to be his skivvy. I wish we’d talk about it first and resolved the problem.” Expectations about what makes it a good relationship are often the least conscious and the most insidious. Such as: ‘If you love me, I expect you want to marry me/be happy all the time.’ Or, ‘Now we’ve moved in together, I expect you to spend all your time with me—not go off to the bar with your friends.’

How to Fix It
So, you’ve recognized yourself, now what should you do?

If you want to change, you first need to uncover your own personal expectations. Sit down and make a note of everything you can think of—use the above categories as a guide. Then consider—as open-mindedly as you possibly can—if they are entirely reasonable. A clue that they’re not is how you often say a boyfriend ‘should’ do something—who says so? Or if you use the horrible phrase, ‘If you love me, you’d do/think X.’ Remember, your partner’s expectations could be diametrically opposed to yours. He may be thinking, ‘A reasonable woman shouldn’t make me do X.’ Neither of you are necessarily right, but this kind of expectation clash can lead to endless, unresolved rows. That’s why, if you’re in a relationship, it can be a useful exercise for both of you to write down your expectations, and then swap lists.

Next, remember the old saying, if you don’t ask, you don’t get. “It’s incredibly dangerous in a relationship to assume your partner has a crystal ball and knows exactly what’s expected of them without being told,” warns Selleck. “For example, we tend to think our partners should know what we want for our birthdays, when they often don’t. they do, sadly, need it spelled out. ‘You should know’ is one classic woman-in-a-relationship statement. But, actually, you need to be telling him. That way, you could—not should—get what you want.