femalenetwork.com

The early stages of a romantic relationship—that’s the easy part. There’s nothing as romantic as a beginning. When everything is smooth-sailing and you and he cruise from heart-stopping glances to long conversations about nothing in particular to kisses and hugs and back again. There’s no need to go into the wondrousness of that stage. You know. You remember.

When couples are asked why they broke up, generally, they say it’s because romance has ended. There’s no more spark. Naubusan na. If you follow the logic, the solution is simple. Bring back the romance. Easier said than done.

“Romance comes in cycles,” says Marion, 31, an interior designer who has lived with her boyfriend for close to ten years now. “Sometimes, you think…wala na. And no matter what you do to force it, wala talaga. And then one day, surprise! It’s back.”

Many happy couples agree that romance can’t happen at such high intensities all of the time.

“Think how you would feel if your man gave you roses every single day, year in and year out. It would be absurd,” Lyra comments. At 31, married for five years, she calls herself a practical romantic. “I think your definitions should change. Expecting stereotypical gestures is a little silly. When my husband bought me a Mother’s Day gift, writing the card as though it came from our baby girl, that was definitely romantic. A month later, we were having an argument…and in the middle he shouted, ‘Didn’t I give you a Mother’s Day gift?’ We started laughing. It was a comical moment that turned romantic…because all of a sudden, I did remember.”

“It’s a problem when you equate romance with actual deeds,” says Angela, 34, who admits she used to do this. “Like, to be romantic, you have to actually do something. But romance is a feeling. When both of you have that feeling, there’s no need really to do anything but enjoy being together.”

Just remember, everybody goes through a bad patch. All couples encounter the stage where the kilig feelings seem to have worn off. That’s no reason to throw in the towel or break off the relationship. Try these romance revivers from long-standing loving couples who have succeeded at rekindling romance:

Romance Reviver #1: Have a special place that you can keep going back to.
For Marion, it’s Boracay. For Stella, it’s Baguio. It doesn’t matter where it is…just as long as you have somewhere to go to spend time that’s just your own. Marion suggests, “Agree to have a nag-free vacation—and you’ll have a fight-free vacation.” It’s easier to have romance when you’re not fighting.

Romance Reviver #2: Go out on a date.
It sounds too simple to be true, but often getting all decked out for a night on the town is a great way to lift a despondent mood. Have good food. See a good movie. “Before you know it, the little things that made you fall in love will start coming to the surface. Be good company for each other,” says Lyra.

Romance Reviver #3: Write a love letter.
Never underestimate the power of the written word. Seeing somebody’s heart on a piece of paper—that’s a romantic lift that can carry you for days. Julie, 29, says “We were apart for two months because of work, so we started writing love letters. It’s become a habit.” A good trick is to mail it to his office so he actually gets it in the middle of a working day. Very probably, he’ll respond in kind.

Romance Reviver #4: Start Oprah’s gratitude journal—for two.
Oprah Winfrey says a sure-fire way to be happy is to start a gratitude journal—listing the things you have to be grateful for. Many couples take turns with the journal, telling each other what they’re thankful for—about each other. When you’re forced to consider all your partner’s wonderful qualities, you realize how much you value him. That feeling can give rise to a lot of romance: You’re nicer to each other, you do things for each other.

Romance Reviver #5: Take a trip with friends.
When two people are always off by themselves, it can also be limiting to their perspective. Carol, 29, recalls how her husband urged her to go to the beach with his friends and their wives. During the trip, she found a wellspring of feeling just from seeing her husband as other people saw him. “I’d forgotten what a nice guy he is, how thoughtful and considerate, and gentlemanly. Kinilig na naman ako.” Society can bring out your positive qualities. That’s something your partner can’t do for you all of the time.

Romance Reviver #6: Rediscover common interests.
Remember when you first met and fell in love? There was just something about that person you were drawn to. You both liked music or movies or literature. Sadly, these interests have a tendency to fall to the wayside when the day-to-day realities of a relationship set in. Work, career, family get first priority. You forget what drew you together in the first place. Marty and May-Ann, married for six years, found they had a blast when they went to a karaoke club together. May-Ann says: “At first I said, tayong dalawa lang? But when we got there, we really had fun. By the end of the night, we were singing love songs to each other. You can’t beat the romance of the one serenading you with a love song.”

Romance Reviver #7: Do something you’ve never done before.
“I was coerced into buying a ballroom dancing ticket for charity, complete with one-hour lessons,” confesses Mel, 35. “My husband said, ‘let’s go.’” The couple had never done it before. And while they don’t plan to do it again soon, they admitted the thrill of a new experience brought a little frisson of energy into their relationship. The next weekend, they tried their hand at rock-climbing. New experiences breathe fresh new air into stale, ho-hum relationships.

Romance Reviver #8: Even the smallest things count.
Ning, 33, a doctor, found an unexpected touching surprise one late night when she was on duty at the hospital. One of the attendants came and brought her two chocolate bars. Her husband, also a doctor, happened to be making a visit to the same hospital that evening and had the manong bring it in to her. “Such a little thing…but it made my whole week,” Ning says, beaming. Which proves romance need not be on a grand scale. Little steps. Small gestures. That’s the stuff of romance.

Romance Reviver #9: Tell each other stories you’ve never heard before.
Remember you are two people who had separate lives before you met and got together. You don’t know every single thing that happened to the person pre-you. Finding out about your partner’s previous life can sometimes work passion back into the picture. Lucy and Nathan, married for five years, dating for six, enjoy the game ‘Tell me a story.’ Late at night, she will say, “Tell me a story about your youth.” He will find some sad or amusing story from his childhood to tell her. “It’s amazing the laughter and love a small story can generate. You imagine your partner in a certain situation…and you find yourself falling in love again.”

Romance Reviver #10: Give each other time and space to be alone.
You have to have your own life—time to refuel, to find yourself, so that you can be yourself again for the one you love. After a few years in a relationship, couples sometimes make the mistake of being together all of the time. “The outside world makes its imprint upon you, it makes you a richer, more interesting, more complex person,” says Lyra wisely. “Complexity can be very romantic. Also, simply being away from each other from time to time makes you miss each other. What could be more romantic than that?”

Go ahead—revive your romance. And as Marion emphasizes, “Never forget to laugh together. It can be the glue that makes romance stick.” That you enjoy each other’s sense of humor is a signal that your romance is certainly worth rekindling. Then there’s also love. For as long as you have it, romance can bloom anew.