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Aileen Santos, CPC MAC, Contributor
 
June 28, 2011

How can I make her want me too?

A male reader asks columnist Aileen Santos for advice about his love problem. By Aileen Santos, CPC MAC
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20110628_the_relationship_coach_guys_question_just_friends_bed.jpgA Note from The Relationship Coach: This letter comes from a male reader, whom we'll call Andrew in the interest of privacy. Because guys are more direct in asking their questions (as you will notice from Andrew’s e-mail) I’m taking a slightly different approach in this article and will answer his questions directly.

If you are wondering what you can learn from this column today, I can point out three things:

1. This letter is proof that if a guy knows he wants to be with you, he will pursue you, so stop making excuses for the guy who is not.

2. Most men don’t really know what women want, so it’s up to you to tell them.

3. Men also risk rejection when trying to develop a relationship with a woman they like.


FIRST QUESTION:

There is this guy on Facebook who I suspect is pursuing the woman I am pursuing too. I notice that he always “likes” all of her photos and almost always comments on her Facebook status messages. Though there is nothing I could describe as “sweet” about his messages, the fact that he likes and frequently comments on photos of her is enough for me to be suspicious of him. My question is this: How should I deal with a karibal?

First of all, congratulations for being the kind of guy who is man enough to actively pursue the woman he likes and also for not thinking that there’s anything wrong in asking someone else for help.

As for your question, here’s what I have to say: befriend your rival if you can, and leave it at that. Don’t try to get too chummy, don’t put him down, and most importantly, don’t ever say anything bad about him in front of your girl. Doing so is a clear sign that he makes you feel insecure, and women are unconsciously turned off by insecurity.

Remember that you are pursuing the woman and that your relationship with her has nothing to do with the other guy. He just happens to be around, and none of your actions should depend on anything he does. Focus on your girl instead. Find out what will make her feel more attracted to you and build on that.

Here’s another related tip: women will almost always choose the guy who is sure about who he is and what he wants in life. If having a rival makes you feel insecure, then it simply means you have to strengthen your conviction of who you are--particularly on the things that make you a good partner. Again, this has nothing to do with your rival and has everything to do with you.


20110628_the_relationship_coach_guys_question_just_friends_green_jacket.jpgSECOND QUESTION:

For some reason I can’t seem to explain, I feel that the woman I am pursuing seems to be getting “cold” about her feelings for me. She hasn’t been replying to my texts and not “liking” my status wall messages–something she normally did before. She doesn’t respond in the same
kilig way to my sweet text messages either. Could she be that busy at work? Is she already bored with me? I have this habit of giving her compliments in person and online–should I stop doing this?

The only way to know is to ask her but try not to make it seem like you’re being too needy or insecure. For example, don’t ask “Are you bored with me?” Instead, say “I haven’t heard from you lately and I miss you. Have you been busy?”

As for compliments, women love receiving them, but make sure to be sincere when saying them. Also, you can improve the quality of your compliments in two ways:

  1. Make them more specific by singling out traits that you like about her.
  2. Compliment her whenever she makes some sort of effort (like when she gets dolled up when you go out on dates) and whenever she needs a boost (like after a hard day at work).


THIRD QUESTION:

I do sometimes doubt my capability of making a relationship exciting for the woman. I’m not a comedian, a rock star, or a hunk. I’m not a well-traveled person and she has already seen the whole world. I wonder what excitement I can give her. I don’t want to be a boring person. What should I do?

I appreciate where you’re coming from, Andrew, and if there’s anything you should know about women, it’s that they’re not looking for a rock star or any of those other things you mentioned. Instead, what a woman really wants is a man who can love her for who she truly is. Try not to worry too much about “being interesting” and focus instead on truly being interested in her. You can then use her reactions as clues on how you can make her feel more special.

Here’s a detailed example of how you can do this:

Step 1: Find out what she loves. Let’s say she mentions that she’s been to France, and you’ve never been there. Use the fact that you’ve never been there to ask her detailed questions: What was the experience like for her? What did she love about the place? Where did she stay? What does she miss about France? This will give you important clues, like she misses the quaint little cafes and she adores French wine.

Step 2: Be the Man with a Plan. Research local places that serve French wine and look for quaint little cafes that mimic the ambiance of the ones in France. This way, you get a better idea of the things and places she’s describing.

Step 3: Let her associate “happy feelings” with you. Take her to those places you researched on your next date and tell her specifically that you’ve taken her there because you know how much she misses France.

This three-step process will do wonders for your relationship. Not only will she now associate you with the things she loves, but she will also remember that you pay attention to the things she says and that you’re willing to put in the extra effort to make her feel special. And that combination, my friend, can be the thing that turns attraction into love.


Good luck, Andrew. Tell me how it works out.


--Aileen


(Photos from Just Friends courtesy of New Line Cinema)


For updates on our newest features and ever-popular stories, add us on Facebook and Twitter!

Get in touch with Aileen Santos, the Relationship Coach:

Find me on Facebook through www.LoveAndLifeSkills.com and e-mail your questions, situations, and success stories to TheRelationshipCoach[at]FemaleNetwork.Com.

I'm sorry I can't respond to you personally, but I WILL READ YOUR LETTER. I would also love to answer your questions in detail in this column (and maybe even in articles and books) so that we can both help many other women who might be in the same situation. Please DO let me know, though, if you just want me to read your letter and not answer it here. Otherwise, I'll change the names and some details and go for it.

Please also feel free to click on the “share” and “like” buttons above so you can share these insights with your friends—they’ll love you for it!


DISCLAIMER: The material contained in this column is an expression of opinion and is not to be construed as legal, medical, or professional advice. This material may only to be used for personal entertainment purposes.

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  • Rachel Jun 30 2011 @ 07:46pm Report Abuse
       
    Girls don't like it when you're so obsessed over them. Chill, dude.aileen may hate me for this, but one sure way of getting her interested is to totally ignore her. show her that you have a life of your own and that your interested in other girls. she'll miss being chased; she might end up chasing after you and may even grovel at your feet! now if this doesnt happen and its apparent that she doesn't give a flying f about you, accept the truth and move on to other girls.
    Last modified A long time ago
  • Aileen Santos Jun 30 2011 @ 10:36pm Report Abuse
       
    Hahaha! :-) Nope, I'm definitely not gonna hate you, Rachel. I'm actually glad you brought up that interesting point. :-)



    Your comment about "not being too obsessed with the girl" is very good. When a guy makes a girl feel like he doesn't have a life without her, it's VERY unattractive.



    Andrew wasn't doing that, though. He told me that he and the girl basically saw each other only once a week, and in between he was only sending her a text message or two about every 2 days. (Sorry I didn't include those details. Next time I will. :-) )



    What you said though about ignoring her and chasing after other girls... well, it's true that it *can* work, but it's basically nothing but "emotional manipulation" -- definitely NOT a good foundation for a real relationship.



    Case in point: I've encountered husbands who still like "getting a reaction" out of their wives by STILL chasing after other girls, simply because it "worked" before in getting their attention.



    Question: You think these manipulative techniques will bring either of them the true intimacy & loving partnership they really want?



    I'm sure you know the answer.



    Here's the good news, though: There IS a way to get a woman's attention without resorting to manipulation, and it basically lies in the man's "leadership" of the situation.



    (This has a lot to do with the man's level of confidence & conviction about what he wants in life - things I already mentioned in my answer.)



    A man with this kind of leadership & confidence will definitely not obsess over a woman. But he will also be secure enough in his masculinity to be unafraid in showing a woman his affection.



    Like my awesome husband often tells his male team members: "Ang babae, minamahal, hindi niloloko."



    :-)


    Last modified A long time ago
  • Rachel Jul 01 2011 @ 12:49pm Report Abuse
       
    If he sees her only once a week, I don't think he knows her that well, as in really really well. If I were in his situation, I'll continue meeting other girls and look for someone who I can build a great chemistry with. I'm not going to wait for just one person to be interested in me-- I'm going to cast my net wide.That's one advantage of being single. Sometimes kasi we chase after one person only because they're our goal, and not because we totally, really like the kind of person that they really are, or we just find them attractive. E madami din namang cute na iba dyan e. :)

    As for those husbands who do that-- well, that's a different story, because they're married already. Just my two cents.
    Last modified A long time ago
  • Rachel Jul 02 2011 @ 09:33am Report Abuse
       
    I discussed this with a male friend and he agrees with me: it's good to go cold turkey. My friend A said that getting some time off from the pursuit will give the guy the space he needs to assess if the girl is really worth it, and check if there are other girls who are more worthy of his attention. Hindi kasi pwedeng one way lagi. We should also remember that life ultimately offers no assurances: you may get the girl in the end, but once in a relationship, you may realize that she really isn't the person you imagined her to be.


    Last modified A long time ago
  • Aileen Santos Jul 04 2011 @ 06:26pm Report Abuse
       


    That's the thing about these "advice letters," Rachel -- we won't really know the whole story. So as a responsible coach, I can only focus on the details the sender has given.



    It's so great though that you've taken an interest in Andrew's situation, and have even expanded your own perspective by asking guys about it.



    :)

    I personally believe, though, that Andrew knows the girl well enough; otherwise, he wouldn't be "pursuing" her.



    Guys - just like girls - have often experienced hurt & rejection from past relationships, and fora guy to decide to really explore a relationship with someone often means:



    1) they know enough about the person to know she is special, and



    2) that same person has also shown him signs that she may be interested in a serious relationship, too.



    One of my guy co-coaches puts it this way: "Naniniguro na ang mga lalake." Because yes, rejection hurts.



    Which is why I very much respect Andrew's intention & efforts.



    You're right in saying, Rachel, that we will never really find "assurances" in the area of relationships or life.



    But *any* kind of success in any area of life requires "decisiveness" and the willingness to take risks.



    It marks the difference between the person who just hops from one company to another without any clear direction... and the person with a vision for his future, who chooses his jobs based on a specific career path, and who develops his skills as he designs his life around his own brand of success.



    The decisive person knows he can still fail along the way. But the fact that he has a clear direction - and has committed to it - makes all the difference.





    Men and women often belong to different stages of readiness, though, especially when in comes to relationships.



    The guys you asked input from are most likely in the "Generate Interest," "Develop Attraction," and "Explore Possibilities" stages of relationship readiness.



    Based on Andrew's words & concerns, however, it seems he already belongs to the 4th stage of relationship readiness, the "Considering Exclusivity" stage.



    Men usually reach this stage when:



    - they've already gone through the first 3 stages, and know they want more than that,



    - they've reached a point of accomplishment in their lives that makes them feel ready for the kind of relationship that would last, and



    - they've met someone they have found a connection with, and who fits his vision of what he wants for his future.



    Men who have reached Andrew's relationship readiness mindset are also the ones who make the best long-term partners. This is because they're the ones who will also be decisive about other important things in their lives: like being good fathers, and being wonderful husbands.



    Decisiveness is a skill that is developed, and is an especially attractive trait to find in a man.



    The decisive man communicates to his woman that: "You are my priority."



    The non-committal man on the other hand, thinks: "You're just as good as any."




    Last modified A long time ago
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