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For longer than you can remember, after-work life has gone something like this: You walk in the door, and your man is sitting on the couch—he’s let himself in with the keys you made for him—drinking a beer from the fridge you keep stocked. He kisses you hello, then sits back on the couch, clicks on the TV, and says, “You want to order something in?” pointing to the takeout menus on the shelf. Your heart sinks. Is this guy coasting on your kindness? What does he take you for?

For Granted, Maybe.
What has he done for you lately? Perhaps this is just what it means to be in a relationship, you tell yourself. Uh-uh. “You know when you’re being taken for granted,” insists Mira Kirshenbaum, a therapist and author of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay (Plume, 1997), “because in your gut, you feel total, raw humiliation.” Don’t deny your female intuition. If you feel like you’re being taken for granted, you probably are. Try mulling over these being-taken clues:

• It’s business before pleasure. Though the pursuit of a successful, satisfying career is important for you both, did he miss your sister’s wedding because he was putting finishing touches on a marketing proposal? If you are waiting on the sidelines of his career track, you may forever find yourself taking the backseat.

• He’s not looking at you, kid. “When my boyfriend and I started dating, he used to say, ‘I can’t believe I get to go out with such a hot woman.’ I haven’t heard that in two years,” says Michelle, a 28-year-old stockbroker. Bad sign. Even if this is a man whom you’ve seen in a mud mask, he should still make you feel like you’re the sexy siren he lusts for.

• He’s going gross on you. You’re willing to accept that every couple inevitably hits the comfort zone. He, however, has slipped into a comfort coma. From clipping his toe nails in bed to leaving his dirty underwear in a growing heap, he’s regressed to the manners of a gorilla. If you can’t remember the last time he opened a door for you, he needs to remind his manners.

• He Ward, You Jane. Has your former Mr. Wonderful devolved into Mr. Neanderthal? When Lara, a 28-year-old caterer, decided to move in with her boyfriend, David, she assumed their relationship would stay exciting, sexy, and equal. Lara soon saw her equal-opportunity apartment turn upside down. “I was doing all the cooking and cleaning,” recalls Lara. “It was like a nightmare from the 1950s—except I had a grueling job and paid half the rent.”

Living in Oblivion
So he’s blissfully clueless to his insensitivity while you’re developing a feat that your relationship is headed in the direction of his record collection: relatively valuable but not in the best shape. Does this mean he’s evil? Not exactly. “The sad truth is that most men are totally oblivious,” says Ellen Sue Stern, author of Loving an Imperfect Man (Pocket Books, 1997). But she is quick to note that ignorance is not an excuse for taking someone for granted. “If he’s in the dark about what he is (or isn’t) doing, you have to spell it out for him. The problem is, telling him he’s screwing up the job of being your boyfriend is a delicate manner. He may take what you say as an insult or go into defense mode. Stern suggests considering the following three factors as part of your sucker-no-more technique:

• Timing is everything. A good moment to bring up your gripes might be during an after-dinner coffee or a quiet car ride, when you’re both relaxed. A bad moment? “Before or just after sex,” says Stern. “Sex can be misunderstood as currency, and you don’t want him to think you’re using it to get him to behave.”

• Let him fix it. According to Stern, “Men like to resolve problems and see a result.” Make a mental list of two or three specific things that are bugging you (more than three and he’ll feel attacked). Present them to him in a clam way. Try “Honey, I am a simple woman. If you do these three simple things, you will make me the happiest woman in the world. Are you interested?”

• Stick to your guns. Be tough. “When he openly agrees to change his behavior and then makes no visible effort, that’s no mistake, that’s sabotage,” warns Stern. You’ve made your demands. If he can’t turn over a new leaf, find a different tree.

The Feeling’s Mutual
Before you confront him with your relationship woes, ask yourself if you might be taking a few liberties in the name of love. Regina, a 24-year-old copywriter, confesses she often expects her boyfriend to act as her man-in-waiting. “If I’m watching TV and Francis is in the other room, as soon as some commercial comes on, I’ll jump on top of him and demand attention. Then, as soon as the show comes back on, I’ll bolt back in front of the TV. That’s pretty obnoxious.” Think about what he does for you without complaint. When the alarm goes off at 5:30 A.M., is he the one who walks the dog? Does he wait in line to buy popcorn while you nestle comfortably in your movie seat? You might be surprised that when you scratch the oblivious man’s surface, he may need a little ego gratification of his own.

Kiss Him Goodbye
Most of all, you have to know when to give in and when to give up. Carol, a 32-year-old teacher, knows all to well that sometimes you just have to let him go. She dated the same man for six years, and each month, there seemed to be a new way to take her for granted. “I felt like it was just decided that I was this anal-retentive hag and he was the spontaneous enfant terrible,” says Carol. Their unbalanced relationship finally toppled over when Carol booked a month in advance at their favorite restaurant for Rico’s birthday. She waited two hours for him to show up. Finally, when she was getting in her car to leave, Rico pulled up, drunk and soaking wet. “He had gotten wasted at work with his friends at some hotel bar, then went swimming in the hotel pool,” Carol got in her car and tried to run him down. “I was so angry, I wanted to kill him. That’s when I knew I had to get out of the relationship.” She kept on driving and never looked back. “If a man says he can’t help himself, he’s full of it,” says Kirshenbaum. “If he really cares, he’ll make it work.” If he doesn’t want to make the effort for you, it’s time you told him to hit the road—and don’t let him borrow your car.