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Some of us spend years drifting from romance to romance; others settle early into lasting relationships. Yet in talking to dozens of women sifting through the latest research, Cosmo discovered that patterns do emerge; the road to sexual self-knowledge is marked by surprisingly universal signposts. Needs and desires change with each passing decade, and while the terms of this transit sound clinical—masturbation, clitoris, vaginal orgasm, G-spot—the discovery of physical satisfaction is anything but. A woman’s lifelong erotic journey counts as one of the richest, most rewarding, and well, interesting of all. Let’s play voyeur and look.

The Twenties: Age of Innocence
Clarissa* is a Quezon City-based lawyer in her late twenties. Black wavy hair and a voluptuous figure imbue her with a sensuality that shimmers just beneath the smooth panels of her tailored suits. Though hardly a virgin when she married Dennis during their first year of law school, her experience was limited. “I knew I was supposed to be enjoying myself, but intercourse was not that much fun. I read the books, I followed the advice, but to tell you the truth, I’d end up faking it every time—I didn’t want Dennis to be disappointed.”

Surveys show that women in their twenties are the ones most likely to be “orgasmically challenged.” Much of this inability to climax is attributed to simple, and blissfully remediable, ignorance. The woman, her partner, or sometimes both are unfamiliar with the function and location of the clitoris—the only human organ whose sole function is to produce sexual pleasure (male anatomy has no equivalent to this “joy button”).

Studies have found that women who masturbate have a much easier time reaching orgasm. Margie, a twenty-six-year-old physical therapist would concur. “I was raised a Catholic and never even heard the word masturbate while I was growing up. Only when I got to college did I find out what my clitoris was, and believe me, I wasn’t about to start touching myself. But last year, I read a book with a scene in which the heroine makes herself climax in a bubble bath, and I have to say it sounded great,” says Maggie, giggling as she continues. “Once I knew how to bring myself to orgasm, I got better at giving cues to my partner. I mean, you don’t have to print instructions or anything. I just moan and wiggle around and give a lot of positive feedback when he’s touching me the way I like.”

According to Beverly Whipple, sex researcher at Rutgers University, no matter what age a woman is, the activities most likely to bring her to orgasm are (in order from most to least likely): masturbation, genital stimulation by a partner, oral sex, intercourse. Let’s put it this way. Masturbation is the key to unlocking the secrets of the Big O. yet women in their twenties are the ones least likely to masturbate, and because they lack this “hands on” training, they are also the biggest fakers.

Twenty-six-year-old Ellen lost her virginity and remembers her college years as “a series of serious hit-or-miss one-night stands. I was really more interested in the idea of sex—the conquest, the excitement, the game—than in the physical reality,” she explains. “In fact a lot of my experiences were really pretty unsatisfying, and I don’t think it was necessarily the guy’s fault. After all, I wasn’t looking for Mr. Right, just Mr. Right Now.”

Hooking up with a more experienced partner can be a twentysomething’s sexual salvation. Melanie had her first orgasm with Phil, a very good-looking and recently divorced dentist. “He really wanted to give me oral sex, but I wasn’t so sure. I was nervous—like what is he seeing down there with his head between my legs? Is it ugly or smelly or what? But after a while, I trusted him and saw how much pleasure he was getting. And when I finally relaxed enough to stop thinking, thinking, thinking all the time, I had this unbelievable experience. It was the best thing I ever felt. I almost blacked out. And I remember how I sat up afterward with this huge grin on my face and felt like, Wow! So that’s what they’re all talking about!”

For many twentysomethings, insecurity is the biggest killer of desire. So while they may fool partners into believing they’re being swept away by ecstasy—the kind they see in movies—what they’re really feeling is performance anxiety. Unfortunately, the short-term relationships typical of your twenties don’t foster intimacy or trust—essential ingredients for a relaxed and ultimately satisfying experience.

Yet according to Masters and Johnson, the more you enjoy sex while young, the more satisfying it will be for the rest of your life. Which makes not settling for lukewarm sex especially crucial. Take the time now to find out what turns you on, tell a lover how best to please you—then lie back and let your body take over.

Your Thirties: The Age of Pleasure
This is a very demanding decade indeed. About now, the challenges of love and career reach their peak. And as more and more women postpone parenthood until they’ve establish themselves professionally, chances are they’re dealing with the pressures of pregnancy and breast-feeding. Yet—surprise!—this age-group reports having more sex and more orgasms than any other. In the most recent Kinsey report, nearly 89 percent of thirtysomething women polled reported that they regularly hit that high note.

This orgasmic bounty is partly due to this age group’s having learned the lessons of their twenties. But the explanation doesn’t stop here. “Our partners are getting better too,” maintains Carol, a thirty-three-year-old with smooth tan skin and a shiny layered bob. “Younger guys climax so fast, they don’t give us a chance to get going. Men who are older not only take longer but are usually a little more interested in making sure their partner has a good time.”

Sex experts corroborate this observation: Women in their thirties reach their sexual prime at the same time their male peers are beginning to wind down. Physiology aside, for most thirtysomethings, the meaning of sex has changed from a thrill-seeking game to something more sedate but usually more satisfying. Most have settled into a long-term monogamous relationship (those who haven’t are probably looking for one). Sex is an indispensable part of that connection. Taking time to give and receive pleasure, exploring fantasies without inhibition, knowing these delights are readily available—this is sex in y our thirties at its best.

Thirty-seven-year-old Alya lives in Malate, and co-owns a restaurant with Dave, her husband of four years. They have, in Alya’s own words, a great sex life. “Each of us knows what the other likes, we enjoy each other’s bodies, and believe me, I have all the orgasms I want. When I was younger, I felt that craving, that need for high drama and heated passion. Now I’m exploring different territory. The most special times in bed are as much emotional as they are physical—like after we have a fight or after our baby was born or when we just have time to relax and feel close.”

Meanwhile, Didith, who’s an artist and single at thirty-eight, is enjoying a newfound sense of freedom. “I’ve had a couple of long-term relationships,” she says, twining her fingers through her long, loose curls, “but it’s been a while. For the past few years, I’ve had what you’d call affairs—some of them overlapping. They’re really less about commitment than about sex for sex’s sake. I have physical needs, and I choose to be with men who can satisfy them, whether or not they’re boyfriend material. These relationships generate tremendous erotic power, which is important to me, whether or not I find true love. I think we all deserve pleasure. We need it.”

Jamie, whose ten-year marriage to a stockbroker ended shortly after she turned thirty-five, would agree. “I remember hearing that a woman peaks sexually at thirty and feeling really depressed because my marriage, while terrific in many ways, was less about sex than about setting up a home, finances, careers. It was the old cliché: Once we were married, we stopped being lovers.

“When my husband and I split up, two years ago, I had to take a look at what was really important to me. I realized one of those things was sex. And it seemed like years since I’d had much!

“About that time, I started dating Bob, the owner of a chain of video rental shops,” Jamie continues, looking up mischievously. “You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve tried with this man. When I first met him, I was totally intimidated by how experienced he seemed. I thought I’d never measure up. I’d go along with his suggestions just to please him. But gradually, I discovered my own wild side. I love wearing X-rated lingerie and have quite a taste for being tied up. Under his bed, we keep a whole suitcase of erotic videos. If either of us travels on business, we have phone sex. When I was married to my ex-husband, we never had time for sex. But Bob and I always find a way to be together—lunchtime, late nights. Lovemaking has become too big a part of my happiness to put off.”

Often, such trusted lovers as Bob nurture a woman’s ability to climax during intercourse. The pleasure principle most commonly discovered within these relationships? That the rear-entry and woman-on-top positions work best—for two reasons. First, they provide easy access to the clitoris, which either the man or woman can touch by hand. Second, they are the most likely to stimulate the G spot, a strawberry-size area of sensitivity on the vagina’s front wall. Women who are G spot-oriented tend to enjoy the missionary position with the man kneeling rather than lying flat. The missionary position is also enhanced by CAT (coital alignment technique): The man “riding high”, positions his pelvis slightly above (rather than directly over) his partner’s, so that the base of his penis rubs her clitoris as the couple rocks back and forth.

Your Forties: The Age of Enlightenment
The following could be a bit of a shocker. Fortysomethings have more fun than anyone. Whether these women are dating, working on a long-term relationship, or settled into a first or second marriage, they’ve learned secrets about their bodies—and themselves—that open the door to a garden of sensual delights. Though some of the research on this decade of life cites less intense climaxes and the possibility of vaginal atrophy, the women Cosmo talked with seemed to be, if anything, more orgasmic than ever.

Rochelle, an art dealer from Mandaluyong who just celebrated her forty-ninth birthday, gives an inspiring picture of sex at her age—one echoed resoundingly by her peers. “Lovemaking in the forties is the best ever,” she says firmly, “better than in my thirties, which was better than in my twenties. At this age, you finally have the psychic freedom and the unself-consciousness to know what you want and how to get it. Part of the change comes from my attitude toward my body: I finally like it. This is an irony, since I was certainly more beautiful when I was younger. I guess you could say I’ve finally accepted my physical self. And I have time, which I never had before. Time for myself, time to take care of my body, time to look good. Time to get enough sleep, which makes a huge difference in one’s enjoyment of sex—and everything else.”

What Rochelle says only confirms what the experts tell us. Pauline Falstrom, author of Sex is Like a Hot-Fudge Sundae, writes that problems with self-esteem and embarrassment tend to get resolved as women grow older: “An older woman probably has a greater idea of what she does and doesn’t want…she is in touch with her own body and knows what brings pleasure.”

Because their desires have become so well-defined, women in their forties are more likely to have multiple orgasms than ever before. This is at an age when most of their male peers can claim only one climax per evening! “There are some nights I climax over and over again,” says Diane, a forty-two-year-old writer, “minutes or even seconds apart. Especially from oral sex. And my lover gets such a thrill from watching my pleasure that he’s willing to go on for as long as I’ll let him. Then, when we’re both ready—and that could take hours—we have intercourse and he has an orgasm.”

“Sex in my forties is the best I’ve ever had,” declares forty-six-year-old Andrea. “I feel uninhibited and unself-conscious about my body, and that has inspired me to be creative and to take risks I would never have considered before. You may not believe this, but for the past year, I’ve been having a relationship with a much-younger man—twenty-seven, to be exact. I find I don’t worry about whether I am pretty enough or how I can make myself more attractive—which I might have done in my thirties. I just assume he finds me attractive—it’s thrilling, really. You know, I’ve been married which ended in annulment, I’ve raised three kids by myself, and the day I turned forty, I felt free for the first time. Every morning since then, I’ve woken up with a sense of excitement, like something wonderful was going to happen that very day.”

Maia, a forty-four-year-old living in Makati, also has a deepened sense of self-appreciation. “As you age, you grow more conscious of your morality and limitations. You belong to the moment, and any moment can be wonderful. I feel totally turned on all the time now, in a way that’s light-years beyond genitals. Anything can be a source of pleasure: fragrances, flavors, a pot of flowers on a kitchen table.”

From a sexual and sensual standpoint, the fifth decade of life could qualify as the richest. For many women, the pleasures only continue to intensify. So no matter how far you’ve come on the amazing journey of female sexuality, you’ve got plenty to anticipate!

* Some names have been changed.

Sex by the Numbers

Twenties

· About 13 percent of you have sex every single day. A third make love more than once a week, and just over 50 percent indulge weekly. Don’t worry if you’re in the middle of a drought—17 percent of your sisters are too.

· You’re at your most fertile between twenty and twenty-nine, peaking at twenty-four.

· The average marrying age for women now is twenty-seven—compared with twenty-two in 1971.

Thirties

· Congratulations—you are at your most orgasmic. Over 50 percent of thirty-plus women reach climax during sex.

· Just under a third of you who use contraception take the Pill.

· Stats say women ages thirty-five to forty are most likely to be unfaithful to their partner.

· Regular sex now should boost your estrogen levels—just as they start to drop. You’ll feel great and prolong fertility.

Forties

· Just under a third of forty-plus women have sex at least once a week. And for some, sex improves because of increased closeness to their partner. Also, children are getting older, leaving more time for couples to be alone.

· Many women are now putting off motherhood until their forties, when they’ve built up a career. Improved screening during pregnancy and better knowledge of fetal development means members of this age-group have a better chance of giving birth to healthy babies.

· Believe it or not, sex aids are getting to be popular with women in their forties.