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“My boyfriend and I fight about the same thing all the time—he’s always in the make-out mood, and I’m, well, not,” says Annie, a 27-year-old nurse in Makati. “I can’t stand it!”

Even the tightest twosomes have clashes they can’t dash. “Our studies show that even after years of marriage, most couples fight about the same issues over and over,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., professor of family psychology at the University of Washington at Seattle and author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (Fireside, 1995).

Sure, it can be frustrating, but stressing over how to solve—or avoid—your next sure-to-come showdown isn’t the answer. Instead, Gottman makes a surprising suggestion: Don’t even try to overcome your problems. Accept the fact that you’re bound to battle sometimes and learn to tame your conflicts before they turn into all-out brawls. Here, Cosmo’s stay-together turbulence-taming tips.

Don’t-Sweat-It Spat 1: Tick-Tock Shock
“Ragging on my boyfriend because he’s always late doesn’t seem to speed him up,” admits Marissa, 24, an advertising executive. That comes as no surprise to Gottman, who claims it’s impossible to reset your partner’s internal clock. But he does think couples can learn not to make chronic lateness an issue. “When you’re really mad, your heart rate starts to escalate,” he explains. “If you can slow it down, you can take control of your emotions—and control the urge to argue.” So when he’s five minutes late, take six or seven deep breaths. Then tense your tightest muscles and release them. These techniques will work to lower the heart rate. And while you might not be free of fighting tendencies, at least you’ll be able to deal on a rational level.

Or you could trick him into being on time. “If the movie starts at 8:30 pm, I tell him to be there by 7:45 pm,” says Sabrina, a 24-year-old advertising assistant in Pasig. Still, always make just-in-case-he’s-late plans to prevent getting superpissed. “If we have an after-work restaurant rendezvous, I’ll tell him to meet me inside,” Sabrina explains. “By the time he finally arrives, I’ve already calmed down with an appetizer and a drink.” Or simply bring a book or magazine. If you have something interesting to do, you won’t stop to wonder when the hell your belated beloved could be.

Don’t-Sweat-It-Spat 2: Cash Clash
“My husband spends too much on everything, while I desperately try to save,” says Patricia, 27, a small-business owner in Marikina. “We always argue about it!”

Before either person starts seeing red, they need to understand why they have this problem. Most likely, there are major, deeply ingrained money differences in their upbringings or values, Gottman says. For example, one person might have always dreamed of an early retirement while the other strives to live high on the hog now. “Dreams are people’s identities, so it’s very important for couples to keep both of theirs alive,” Gottman says.

Luckily, making cash concessions isn’t a high-priced venture. You can try opening separate checking accounts or go for a more novel approach: weekly allowances. That’s what Celina, a 25-year-old children’s book author in Manila, did. “It sounds silly, but once the bills are paid and we’ve saved our set-in-stone amount, we withdraw the same amount of cash every week,” she says. “And we’ve agreed not to judge each other on what we decide to buy, well, most of the time.”

Don’t-Sweat-It-Spat 3: Libido Mismatch
“Whenever I want to make love—which is pretty much all the time—my girlfriend is too tired, too busy or not in the mood,” says Alvin, 28, an account manager in Makati. His girlfriend, predictably, sees things differently: “I love having sex with Alvin, but to me, three times a week is satisfying,” retorts Carla, a 26-year-old musician. “So we end up having the same old battle once a week.” This relationship, like Carla’s and many others, is suffering from a clear case of mismatched libidos. And no amount of duking it out will change each partner’s hormonal ups and downs—or wish to knock boots or nod off. If your lover is holding out on you (it’s possible!), acknowledge how much you love getting naked without trying to convince him to come around right now. For example, you could say, “Remember when we did it Saturday? I really had fun and would like to do that again whenever you’re ready.” So instead of feeling defensive, about a lack of lust, the other, less horny person will feel flattered and appreciated.

If you are the partner who would like less lovin’, Gottman again stresses the importance of staying sex-positive to spare his feelings. “Tell him you’re open to what he has to say,” he suggests. “Then let him know exactly when you’d like to fulfill his request.” Once you establish a can-do conversation, you two can start bargaining over the boinking whens and wheres.

Another option? You could help him take care of business by buying an X-rated video collection. If you’re not in the mood, you can send him to erotic ecstasy just by pushing the play button. And who knows? It might just get your jump-on-him juices flowing too.

Don’t-Sweat-It-Spat 4: Clean-up Conflict
“I don’t understand what my man has against closets,” says Nina, a 25-year-old graduate student in Quezon City. “All his stuff ends up on his bed!” Your partner’s porker prerogative is hard to ignore—what with reminders on the floors, the furniture, and everywhere else. But it doesn’t have to turn you into a mess too.

“Sometimes it’s best to adapt a spirit of goodwill toward your guy’s undesirable traits,” says Susan Page, author of How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together (Bantam Doubleday Dell, 1998).

Gottman says you probably won’t change your boyfriend’s piggish behavior—so you have to find a way to deal with it. Start by focusing on your partner’s more favorable traits, say, his way with a joke or his G-spot expertise. (Of course, if you’re grossing out your Seinfeld-esque neat-freak boyfriend, the same advice applies.)

But what do you do about the mess in the meantime? “Before you argue about it again—which you’re bound to do—agree on a place where you can put his stuff once it starts getting on your nerves,” suggests Page. “That way, you can throw it in a corner, in a garbage bag, or wherever else he agrees to.” You may still snort at his less-than-lovable traits but at least you might learn to love them—well, eventually.