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“I believed Brian was the love of my life,” recalls Anna, a 26-year-old travel agent from Makati. “He was hilarious, charming, and adoring—until the night he told me he was seeing someone else. I was totally obliterated.” But Anna’s friends quickly gave her a long overdue reality check: Brian was a drunk, and lately, she’d been more baby-sitter than babe. “When I let myself think about that many 12-packs he had consumed at my apartment, I felt so angry and used.”

So were those wrong-man months squandered? Not according to Elizabeth Kuster, a relationship expert and author of Exorcising Your Ex (Simon & Schuster, 1996). “Every relationship, good and bad, educates you in some way,” says Kuster. Maybe you discover that you can’t stand to be a trophy shown off at every opportunity—your man needs to be into you for you—or that you prefer romantic inns to camping out in the back of a pickup.

Or maybe, like Anna, you realize that you deserve better than doormat status. “I finally realized that he had loved my designated-driver services more than he loved me. I’ve since learned how to distinguish being needed from being loved. Now I’m engaged to a man who can stand on his own two feet without leaning on me for balance after every step.”

Consider your relationships gone awry as dress rehearsals for the real thing: They’re what help you get right on opening night. Here, the three best lessons you learn from a lousy relationship—after you finish licking your wounds.

You find out how good your gut is.
“I could feel that something was off when I started dating Paul,” remembers Virginia. “But I ignored the nagging sensation.” Six months later, Paul started dodging calls, making excuses not to see her. “Again, I blew it off, convincing myself that he was just stressed out and swamped with work,” says the 29-year-old nurse from Quezon City. “When I found out five months later that he’d been cheating on me, I kicked myself for not listening to my gut.”

“The truth is, your initial instincts about a new man are usually pretty on target,” says Lillian Glass, Ph.D., a New York City psychologist and author of Attracting Terrific People: Find and Keep the People Who Bring Your Life Joy (Saint Martin’s Press, 1998). “But it takes experience to recognize the messages. It’s only after you’ve ignored your body’s natural alarm system a few times—and then discovered that your gut was actually more on the mark than your mind—that you start to trust your instinct.” And as Virginia can attest, that means having some spine when making those tough be-a-total-doormat-or-dump-him decisions.

“The next guy I met swept me off my feet,” adds Virginia. “He was very attentive and doting—at first. Two months into the relationship, I felt that familiar suspicious stomach twang. I realized that this ‘great’ new guy was pulling some of the same stunts Paul had, like canceling dates and being vague about his whereabouts. But this time, I had the courage to tell him where to go before wasting countless months on another lowlife. One thing I’ve learned from putting up with Paul is that my relationship should feel right, not just look good on paper.”

You get one step closer to total sex goddess.
Each one of your lapsed affairs has taught you a valuable lust lesson, whether it’s a great new position, confidence in your manhandling moves, or help in figuring out what you crave—and can’t stand—sexually. “Every guy has his own technique,” explains Elizabeth Hurchalla, author of Getting Over Him: Cosmo’s Complete Breakup Survival Handbook (Avon Books, 1997). “So the more guys you go out with, the more you experience and the more likely you are to discover what makes you, and him, happiest.”

After Donna, a 27-year-old law student, broke up with Frank, her boyfriend of a year and a half, she missed his sexual prowess more than she missed him. “He’s a physical therapist and had taught me all sorts of erotic moves, like how to tighten my pelvic-floor muscles during intercourse,” she said. Our breakup left a major void in my bedroom. But when I was with my next boyfriend, I realized that even though my relationship with Frank was dead, all the stuff he’d taught me was alive and well. And his love lessons continue to skyrocket my sex life three years later.”

Susan’s ex also gave her a gift that keeps on giving. “An old boyfriend taught me how to tease my tongue around the rim of his penis with butterfly kisses,” the 29-year-old radiologist explains, “and since I dated him for a year, I became pretty darn good at it. I’ve used this technique on every boyfriend since, and they always go wild for it. It’s a great thing to have in my bag of tricks.”

You discover your inner girl.
When you broke up with your first serious boyfriend, you probably felt as if you were going to die. You remember how without him in your life, just getting up every day and brushing your teeth became hardship. That’s how Joy, 24, a publishing assistant, felt when she broke up with Anton, whom she dated since high school. “He had been part of who I was for so long,” she recalls. “I’d adopted his opinions and looked to him for self-assurance. When we ended things, I felt like I no longer existed.”

“When you break up with someone, you’re forced to think about who you are instead of who you were with him,” says psychologist Janice Garcia, Ph.D. “A break-up gives you the perfect chance to rediscover all those parts of your personality that you edited out during your courtship.”

“Though I thought I would never heal from my breakup with Anton, my life actually ended up being fuller than ever,” affirms Joy. “I discovered a love for rollerblading, saw tons of plays, and even joined a sculpture class. For the first time, I felt like a whole person, not just half of a couple. And when I broke up with my next boyfriend, I didn’t feel like my whole world was wiped out. I’m not hesitant about ending things with an obvious Mr. Wrong because I know it just frees me up to find Mr. Right.”