A Note from The Relationship Coach: This letter comes from a male reader, whom we'll call Andrew in the interest of privacy. Because guys are more direct in asking their questions (as you will notice from Andrew’s e-mail) I’m taking a slightly different approach in this article and will answer his questions directly.
If you are wondering what you can learn from this column today, I can point out three things:
1. This letter is proof that if a guy knows he wants to be with you, he will pursue you, so stop making excuses for the guy who is not.
2. Most men don’t really know what women want, so it’s up to you to tell them.
3. Men also risk rejection when trying to develop a relationship with a woman they like.
There is this guy on Facebook who I suspect is pursuing the woman I am pursuing too. I notice that he always “likes” all of her photos and almost always comments on her Facebook status messages. Though there is nothing I could describe as “sweet” about his messages, the fact that he likes and frequently comments on photos of her is enough for me to be suspicious of him. My question is this: How should I deal with a karibal?
First of all, congratulations for being the kind of guy who is man enough to actively pursue the woman he likes and also for not thinking that there’s anything wrong in asking someone else for help.
As for your question, here’s what I have to say: befriend your rival if you can, and leave it at that. Don’t try to get too chummy, don’t put him down, and most importantly, don’t ever say anything bad about him in front of your girl. Doing so is a clear sign that he makes you feel insecure, and women are unconsciously turned off by insecurity.
Remember that you are pursuing the woman and that your relationship with her has nothing to do with the other guy. He just happens to be around, and none of your actions should depend on anything he does. Focus on your girl instead. Find out what will make her feel more attracted to you and build on that.
Here’s another related tip: women will almost always choose the guy who is sure about who he is and what he wants in life. If having a rival makes you feel insecure, then it simply means you have to strengthen your conviction of who you are--particularly on the things that make you a good partner. Again, this has nothing to do with your rival and has everything to do with you.
For some reason I can’t seem to explain, I feel that the woman I am pursuing seems to be getting “cold” about her feelings for me. She hasn’t been replying to my texts and not “liking” my status wall messages–something she normally did before. She doesn’t respond in the same kilig way to my sweet text messages either. Could she be that busy at work? Is she already bored with me? I have this habit of giving her compliments in person and online–should I stop doing this?
The only way to know is to ask her but try not to make it seem like you’re being too needy or insecure. For example, don’t ask “Are you bored with me?” Instead, say “I haven’t heard from you lately and I miss you. Have you been busy?”
As for compliments, women love receiving them, but make sure to be sincere when saying them. Also, you can improve the quality of your compliments in two ways:
- Make them more specific by singling out traits that you like about her.
- Compliment her whenever she makes some sort of effort (like when she gets dolled up when you go out on dates) and whenever she needs a boost (like after a hard day at work).
I do sometimes doubt my capability of making a relationship exciting for the woman. I’m not a comedian, a rock star, or a hunk. I’m not a well-traveled person and she has already seen the whole world. I wonder what excitement I can give her. I don’t want to be a boring person. What should I do?
I appreciate where you’re coming from, Andrew, and if there’s anything you should know about women, it’s that they’re not looking for a rock star or any of those other things you mentioned. Instead, what a woman really wants is a man who can love her for who she truly is. Try not to worry too much about “being interesting” and focus instead on truly being interested in her. You can then use her reactions as clues on how you can make her feel more special.
Here’s a detailed example of how you can do this:
Step 1: Find out what she loves. Let’s say she mentions that she’s been to France, and you’ve never been there. Use the fact that you’ve never been there to ask her detailed questions: What was the experience like for her? What did she love about the place? Where did she stay? What does she miss about France? This will give you important clues, like she misses the quaint little cafes and she adores French wine.
Step 2: Be the Man with a Plan. Research local places that serve French wine and look for quaint little cafes that mimic the ambiance of the ones in France. This way, you get a better idea of the things and places she’s describing.
Step 3: Let her associate “happy feelings” with you. Take her to those places you researched on your next date and tell her specifically that you’ve taken her there because you know how much she misses France.
This three-step process will do wonders for your relationship. Not only will she now associate you with the things she loves, but she will also remember that you pay attention to the things she says and that you’re willing to put in the extra effort to make her feel special. And that combination, my friend, can be the thing that turns attraction into love.
Good luck, Andrew. Tell me how it works out.
(Photos from Just Friends courtesy of New Line Cinema)
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Get in touch with Aileen Santos, the Relationship Coach:
Find me on Facebook through www.LoveAndLifeSkills.com and e-mail your questions, situations, and success stories to TheRelationshipCoach[at]FemaleNetwork.Com.
I'm sorry I can't respond to you personally, but I WILL READ YOUR LETTER. I would also love to answer your questions in detail in this column (and maybe even in articles and books) so that we can both help many other women who might be in the same situation. Please DO let me know, though, if you just want me to read your letter and not answer it here. Otherwise, I'll change the names and some details and go for it.
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DISCLAIMER: The material contained in this column is an expression of opinion and is not to be construed as legal, medical, or professional advice. This material may only to be used for personal entertainment purposes.