I had a boyfriend for 10 years. Everything was going smoothly until our ninth year when we started planning for our wedding, and I started acting cold towards him. The reason: I wasn't sure if we could really start a family. You see, I came from a poor family and I experienced firsthand how difficult it is to make a home. I didn't want my future child to experience the same. He, on the other hand, wanted to have children, but due to my fear of failing to be a good provider, I began giving him clues that I do not wish to have a child.
One day, he initiated talks of breaking up. That's when I told him all about my issues. Even though there is nothing wrong with me earning more than him, I was worried that one day he would feel inferior, which might cause bigger fights. He would again feel that I didn't need him.
He works for the government and kuntento na with what he's doing, while I work in the corporate world where most people of our age are very career-driven. I gave him the math in raising a child and maintaining a home.
He was really hurt and finally called it quits.
After weeks of not speaking, he came back. We didn't "officially" get back together, but we still do things which we used to do as a couple. We agreed to take things slow and if he found another source of income, I would reconsider having a child.
Until one day, I got a text from a girl claiming to be his girlfriend. I was shocked.
I confronted him. He said they got together a month before we broke up. According to him, his cheating was not to intentionally hurt me. He looked for another woman because he felt that I was going to leave him. I failed to let him feel that I needed him in the entirety of our relationship. He said sorry and that he would do everything to win me back because I'm the one he loves.
He asked for my understanding should he need to be with the other woman to comfort her–until she genuinely accepted their breakup– because he felt sorry for her.
There was nothing he could do to compensate for the pain that the woman had to go through because of him. Unlike in our situation where he was 100 percent sure that he could correct his mistakes in the future.
But then, lo and behold, there were three instances that the woman messaged me at 3:00 a.m., informing me that they were together and had kissed and made up. He didn't deny it the following day, and again, asked for my understanding because that was his only way to say sorry to the other woman.
After that, I still chose to forgive him, but I asked for two conditions: He was to cut all communication with her and he should let her know that we were back together. He agreed.
A few weeks after that, I discovered that he had lied.
They were calling and texting each other again. His excuse? He knew that I would not understand the situation, and he didn't want me to be praning because of simple calls and texts. According to him, the woman insisted on becoming friends with him. Take note ha, nag a-I love you pa rin daw yung babae pero, dahil sa'kin, hindi niya nire-return kahit na may nararamdaman pa rin siya para sa kanya.
Utang na loob ko pa na sa'kin niya lang sinasabi yun 'no? God's gift to women ang peg eh.
The guy now tells me that he also can't live without speaking to her because he still has feelings for her, but he doesn't want to lose me at the same time.
I was really hurt when he said that. I can't share his attention with another woman even if he insists that what they have now is entirely different from what they had before and what we have now. In short, they're just purely friends. I couldn't find it in my heart to believe him.
I want to have the strength to walk away and move on, but the guy is not helping me achieve it. He keeps saying and doing things to convince me to wait for him until he's ready to fully commit again. And he reminds me how he loved me before the cheating incident.
At times, he would tell me that no one will love me the way he did.
Prior his cheating, there was no doubt that he loved me too much. He did a lot of things for me. He really took care of me. I admit that I took him and our relationship for granted. Naging kampante ako na masaya pa siya sa'kin since minsan lang naman kami magtalo. Hindi ko narealize na ayaw niya talaga ng kahit konting misunderstanding. Kaya pala, walk out na lang siya lagi pag nagtatalo kami.
He's so sure that I'm the one he wants to be the mother of his future children. He just wants time for him to learn how to live again without the other woman. He said na kailangan niya rin ng time na tanggapin na hindi nawawala yung misunderstandings sa isang relasyon. Gusto niya daw kasi laging masaya lang.
I told him kahit ga'no ko pa siya kamahal, I can't help him with his issues kasi siya na yung may problema eh.
Sabi ba naman niya may magagawa daw ako. Give him a baby.
Kailangan lang daw nya ng inspirasyon. Ngayon tuloy, natatakot ako na baka sinadya niya yung last month's encounter namin. Basta, that's another's story.
He continues to be nice and sweet. Whenever he is in Manila, just like before he cheated, I'm the only person he spends time with. Pero hindi ko alam kung ano talaga kami ngayon.
With the things he's doing and what I'm feeling now, I'm confused. A part of me wants to wait for him to be "okay" again. But there's another side of me that wants to escape from our "kabaliwan."
I'm not sure if I want him out of my life. Maybe because I'm afraid to grow old alone or simply because I still love him.
As posted on GIRLTalk
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