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There are excellent movies whose stories are too depressing for me to watch. I haven't and never will question their award-worthiness, but I will never sit through them. (Warning: Secondhand spoilers straight ahead.)

1. Boys Don't Cry
Hilary Swank plays a girl who's really a boy at heart and he/she gets brutalized by a bunch of crazed alpha males for (among many things) being different and having a girlfriend. Hilary looks great as a guy and this 1999 movie gave her a Best Actress Oscar. I can picture the Oscar people saying, "Just give her the damn award and let's be done with this flood of sadness."

2. Million Dollar Baby
In this 2004 film, Hilary Swank plays a lady boxer who wants to prove to all the crazed alpha males in the world that she can punch like a pro. Clint Eastwood plays her trainer. She conquers the ring for a bit, but then later on she gets paralyzed. Hooked on a life support system, Clint Eastwood later has to pull the plug. The result: Hilary takes home her second Best Actress Oscar. (Argghhhhh! The award is all yours Hilary, but please stop making these depressing flicks!)

 

3. Brokeback Mountain
I would’ve watched this 2005 romantic flick, had my fabulously gay best friend, Chong Ardivilla, not told me that Jake Gyllenhaal dies in the end (once again assaulted by crazed alpha males for being different) and Heath Ledger gets trapped in oppressive normalcy. The ending is sadder than when I learned that Kornets’ Sour Cream variation had been discontinued. If only Jake and Heath had ridden off into the sunset together, I’d have been lining up for this one.

4. The Passion of the Christ
First off, Jim Caviezel, who plays Jesus in this 2004 Mel Gibson-helmed religious saga, is too hot for words. I’d just be guilty of lusting after him if I watch this flick. Then, of course, I can’t bear to see a cute Jesus being hurt by crazed alpha males. Even if he does come back to life after the torture and the crucifixion, I simply can’t bear the agony of watching him suffer. Sorry, Mr. Gibson, my Biblical consciousness has bee warped by Superbook and Flying House.

5. Mystic River
Clint Eastwood once again proves that he can direct a movie so depressing that you’d actually still feel bad even after fast-forwarding this 2003 flick featuring Tim Robbins as a misunderstood survivor of child molestation. This movie also has Sean Penn in it. Enough said. A lot of violence. A lot of tears. A lot of crazed alpha males acting as if they own the world. And, yes, Tim Robbins dies in the end. He’s killed by Sean Penn, who plays his childhood buddy. Why? God, don’t make me explain.

I just realized, though, that all these films have one thing in common: crazed alpha males. My goodness. I need a bag of potato chips to chase away the bad vibe this enumeration has generated. Or maybe I’m just feeling heartburn from all the cheap grease food I munched on at lunch. All I can say is this, making a really depressing film will guarantee you awards. But whether they’ll be given to you for your superb filmmaking or as a bribe for you quit torturing people with it is something that only experts can answer.