Hi to all sisses. It's been months since I last posted here. I just want to share my experience and hopefully our sisses who are in similar situation could gain inspiration from my story.
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married in Oct 2010. After failed attempts of TTC naturally, we started to go on workup in Feb 2012. I tried other OBs but the last one I got was Dr. Annebelle Aherrera. Actually, I don't really know her, I was just desperate at that time to get pregnant ASAP since I wanted to conceive before I turn 30 in Oct 2012. So I was looking for an OB who does IUI so I called Makati Med helpdesk to ask which OBs perform IUI. The person just referred me to Dr. Aherrera since she was the head of the OB dept in MMC and I was told to just ask her for referrals. So my husband and I went to her and since she herself does the procedure we stuck with her. I tried to research about her in the internet, not so much info but I found out that she's Tessa Prieto's OB in one of the blogs of Tessa's husband. When we met she seemed nice naman and very accommodating so we decided to continue with her even though her consultation fee is kinda high compared to other OBs in MMC. We just thought that we're just investing for our baby anyway.
My husband's sperm count was not so high but the number is enough naman to fertilize. Nevertheless his uro doctor prescribed clomid to take daily for 2 months and see if sperm count increases (that's about P240 per day straight in two months). Doc gave me meds to regulate my period. I started to experience dysmenorrhea after taking those meds and I started to experience some brownish discharge before and after my mens. I was alarmed but she said that's really the effect of the meds. She said before we consider taking fertility pills and IUI, we should check first my fallopian tubes. She was pushing for hysterogram (HSG) which is very expensive. When I got my period that month we decided to proceed with HSG. She told me to prepare 15-18k for this. for that procedure alone she charged me P10k for PF. I think that was too expensive. anyway, it was a very painful procedure. she just sedated me (no anesthesia) but I still felt the excruciating pain when her hands were inside my vagina! she was not so gentle so I was a little turned off. more so, the result of HSG was even more painful:both my tubes were blocked. I asked her what can be done. Her answer was short - IVF. I cried when she told me. It was like telling me I'm hopeless. i was still lying on the bed when she tried to somehow console me and told me we will talk about it. After I manage to pay the hospital, go to the lab to test my specimen, and go to her clinic to pay the P10k PF (without receipt) - I was hoping we would talk a little so I waited but she didn't come out and I heard that she was just talking with some friend over the phone. Her sec. told me she couldn't see me. I was really turned off. After getting the result of my specimen from the lab I came back to her and the findings were I have polyps. She gave me meds again to take and she said if the polyps are still there when we do an ultrasound, we will do a "raspa". Regarding my fertility, the only thing that can be done is IVF where success is not guaranteed. She suggested to do it in Taiwan because it's cheaper and the success rate is higher compared to those being done here in Manila.
After that visit I never went back to her. I didn't take the meds she gave me. I didn't go back for any workup knowing that that's it -my tubes are blocked. IVF was way too expensive. I didn't know what to do, whether I'll proceed with IVF or not.
I was so confused and in pain knowing that I couldn't conceive. I felt that there is no more reason to live since the only thing I ever wanted is to have a child. I felt that I hit rock bottom at that point of my life. I've been crying for days and weeks. I was bitter. I've been asking God "Why me?" when there are people who wouldn't care about having a child but they get to have one or even more. I've been asking why do these people have children but they don't deserve them, I deserve a child more than they do but why can't He give me. I didn't know how I could ever pull myself out of that situation.
Eventually, I found myself drawing closer to God in search of healing and direction in my life. I've been reading this book I bought in Philippine Christian Bookstore entitled "Tomorrow can be different". Slowly, I began to realize how much God has blessed me already even without a child. He spoke to me through this book and eventually my perspective has changed. I began to become thankful about every blessing God has given me even though I don't ask for it, I began to see how much God has given me without even asking, I began to realize that the life that He gave me alone is more than enough. I learned that we should not live as if God owes us something or that we live as if we are victims of this life but we should claim victory in Christ. Eventually, God made me realize that everything in life has a purpose and if I'm not designed to become a mother then God has a different purpose for me. It was then that I understood how it really is to surrender full control of your life to God, that He is not a genie who just grants wishes, that I could not control my life no matter how hard I try because only He can do that. So for me not to feel bad when things don't go my way, I should just trust God that He has a plan for me and stop controlling my life on my own and instead surrender my all to God. Then, my prayer started changing from "Lord, please give me a child" to "Lord, your will be done." I realized that for most of us we just draw close to God when we ask Him for something. It's like we're doing good because we want to please God so He would grant our wishes and if we're bad then He will punish us. Oftentimes, we already planned our lives on our own and pray to God and ask Him to let all things go well according to our plan. It's like making our own plan and just asking God for His stamp of approval. But it's really not like that, I realized that. We should just trust Him completely that He has a plan and that is always for our good - no matter how good or bad our situation may seem - if we will just let Him weave his plan, we will see that everything has a purpose.
So there I have come to accept that God a special plan for me other than being a mother. I'm so thankful that He gave me a wonderful husband who loved me even more despite my incapacity of giving him a child. Since I found out about my problem, we just made love according to our feelings and not because we need to. I stopped the counting of days based on the fertility calendar since I was thinking I couldn't conceive anyway. Since then, our sex life was so great like never before especially when we were trying. We really made love because we wanted to and not because we ought to (to conceive) like before. I also stopped lifting my legs after sex which the doctor told me to do before since I have a retroverted uterus. I could just rest for a little while after the deed and wash up afterwards. It was really carefree and enjoyable sex for me and my husband.
I was never this happy my whole life and marriage life was never this great. I was already contented with everything knowing that God already blessed us so much, even without a child. We already accepted the fact that we will never be parents but that's ok as long as we're happy together in love. I just sought God's purpose for my life. In my heart, he gave me the verse "Be still, and know that I am God." so my prayer everyday is that His will be done in my life.
Just less than a week ago, I found out I'm pregnant and I couldn't believe it. It was indeed God's miracle. I didn't know how and when it happened but it did and God just showed that if we let Him take control and surrender our all to Him, He will do great and mighty things that we couldn't imagine. We still couldn't believe it but it's real. I just want to share with all TTC women to stop trying, and just surrender it to God and accept His plan for your life. The real joy doesn't come from finally having the child you wished for but it's knowing that you surrendered your life to God and realizing that following Him will yield fruits you never expected. May you find inspiration in this.