No boyfriend since birth at 29 - advice?

[pinkbubbles17]

^collect and collect then select the right man..

[oceana]

well after makapagboyfriend at the age of 33, ang next na question sa iyo ay kailangan kayo magpapakasal? nakakapikon din kasi nakakapressure din, so wlang hanggang pagtatanong yan

[red_one]

korek si sis oceana... after nang kasal then next question dyan is kelan kayo gagawa ng baby? then kapag may baby na, people will suggest oh dagdagan nyo pa. naku walang katapusan.
kaya sa mga sis natin na still single, just enjoy being single. dadating din yan

[Girltalker2]

Hi everyone,

How do you guys deal with feeling embarassed when you to go gatherings and this topic comes up? And there are attendees there who are younger than you and have b/f's?

How do you deal with the embarrassment? Any advice?

When I was younger (in my 20s), di ko ito napapansin kasi I had a boyfriend.  Minsan naiinis lang ako sa ibang friends ko kasi napakasenti nila, na parang hindi na kami nag-eenjoy tuwing labas namin kasi lagi silang depressed - na feeling ko naman wala naman dapat ika-depress kasi bata pa kami. Pero siguro nga kasi hindi ko maintindihan kasi I am not in their shoes.

But in hindsight, ito masasabi ko.  I had friends who stayed single hanggang ngayon na we are nearing mid age na.  Some of them laging "negative" ang outlook sa buhay while some of them know how to enjoy life by traveling, studying again, joining civic groups, etc.  At the end of the day, kahit single parin sila, they can say that they have spent their single lives well.  As to those na nagmumukmuk lang sa house, yun di ko alam what they did in the years that went by.
In my case, well, I can say I am no different from them kasi kahit naman ba nagka-bf ako, nakapag-asawa at nagkaron ng anak by 29yo, I had a terrible marriage na tipong if not for my kids, I would wish for a single life nalang.

Ngayon, how do I deal with the embarrassment being single (or separated for that matter)?  Wala lang, I just go to the party or to wherever and mingle.  Ignore what they say. Pero ang preps!  Talagang nagpapaparlor ako, I dress up.  At nagtataka talaga sila bakit ako single pa ako ngayon. Important thing is you have to be happy for yourself for you to be able to project na happy ka being single.  Nasa isip ko lang lagi eh how they wish to be in my shoes siguro now or sometimes this song run in my mind "Doncha" by Pussycat dolls. 

 


 

[Girltalker2]

Hi Girltalker2,

I see you had friends who were single and living life and some who felt really down about it. Yes I think those who are single at that age feel really sad which makes them not want to leave their house. It's tough!!!

Are you a single mom now and taking care of your kids? I think it's really positive of you to keep helping yourself feel good even though you're single by doing things, mingling and going to the parlour and dressing up. But when people are sad it's really hard to do those things, but I hope you can inspire people to keep going!

Yes sis. isipin mo nalang, mas worse off ako being single now, mid-age, and saddled (not really a burden as kids are a joy!) with finances and added responsibilities. 

It is hard to do things! Kaya kelangan ng extra fighting spirit.  Schedule what you need to schedule. Pay upfront my gym membership para mapilitan ako pumunta.  And once you get the hang of it, before you know it, hindi mo na iniisip and dilemma mo ng 24/7.  Yes, there are moments na napapaisip ka na naman on wanting to have what you currently don't have - pero at least hindi na tipong day in/out.  I just brush them aside, yes, guilty ako, from time to time.  I was once a member of a forum about kids and makikita ko mga mommies with daddy escorts tuwing may get together kami. Samantalang ako, mag isa lang lagi. After awhile, umiwas nako because I think it is not healthy for me.

So in the same way, if you are single, try to surround yourself with things that make your outlook more positive.  If you think mingling with married couples wont do you any good, then i-minimize mo nalang yun and mingle with singles din.

[janix athena]

^Sis, to shed some light on the male perspective about being NBSB, let me share some of the comments I read on the "We've got male" forum.

To break it down objectively, we girls feel embarrassment on being an NBSB because we feel it's a sign that we are not lovable. We think if guys find out we've never had a bf at a certain age they'll be turned off, kasi para tayong item sa "ON SALE" rack pero wala paring bumibili. We feel pangit. (Masakit marinig pero girls really do feel this way sometimes, especially yung mga mukmok types).

But, do guys think the same way? I was surprised to find out na hindi pala sila ganito mag-isip. When guys ask you "How many BFs have you had?" In their mind they're really asking "How may men have you slept with?" Believe it or not girls, for guys kapag nagka-bf ka it means nagkaron na kayo ng sexual relations, whether girls claim otherwise or not. So what do you think they want to hear? "I've had 10 BFs." or "I've never had one."? Obviously gusto nila sila ang unang BF. Unang magturo sayo mag-kiss, unang maka-make out session sa movie house, at lahat lahat na that comes after that. Gusto nila 'virgin territory'. Now virginity is not the end all and be all of male attraction, but I'm just saying... if they can have their way, all else being equal, they want an innocent girl.

No offense sa mga non-virgins.

Now, according sa male perspective, if a girl is a virgin (or NBSB) and she's nice looking and has a nice personality - JACKPOT. Wala ka nang makikitang ganyan ngayon (sabi ng mga guys). If she's NOT nice looking and she's a virgin (or NBSB), then it kinda makes sense na she's not hitched yet. So girls I can't stress these enough:

1. Magpaganda
2. Develop a positive personality
3. Find opportunities to meet single and quality guys
4. Have a friendly attitude
5. Wag masyado clingy kasi turn off ito. Just enjoy a date and don't have all sorts of expectations.

[adellaide]

IMO wala naman pinagkaiba ang NBSB at someone who had a bf eh...pareho pa din silang single. Insecurity just plays a part kaya they feel embarrassed. Late na rin ako nagbf (dahil lang sa narindi ako sa mga friends ko bakit ayaw ko pa daw blah-blah...) sa totoo lang I wouldn't mind if on my way to 30's na ko nagbf.
Some friends of mine  though nagka bf na sila don't feel any different from NBSBs now that lapit na ang 30. The reason they are too picky (in a negative way) and now they feel pressured. Kanya-kanya reason naman yan eh whether focused sa career daw, wala dumadating kasi pala masyado picky, commitment issues.. matter of perspective lang yan I see it as they are blessed with the time to know and love their self  even more, establishing standards at alam nila what they look for in a guy .

It really isn't a big deal, I'm sure they won't agree since they feel differently being single ever since.  So my advice is to go out, be sociable and love yourself more. If others see you having fun and comfy with who you are then they will surely take interest in you. Do not seek for love desperately, let love find you, just expose yourself. Mingle. 

[janix athena]

Hi sis sprinkledust,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. This may sound funny but she can actually pray to God na maging maganda sya. I'm not kidding. I was an ugly duckling nung bata pa ako and my mom prayed na gumanda ako kasi she was worried that I'd grow up and have an unhappy future. So with the help of braces (I had protruding teeth) and some Divine help, gumanda nga ako (modesty aside). When I was in high school I started to hear people tell me I'm beautiful (which was very new to me). Nagugulat ako and I didn't believe it at first. But then there would be times that I would see myself in the mirror and say, "OMG, maganda na nga talaga ako." When I was 21 years old I joined a beauty pageant sa town namin and landed 4th place out of 24 candidates. I never even dreamed na mangyayari yun sakin.  Meron din akong kilalang ganito ang nangyari, so it seems I'm not alone.

Worth giving it a shot. Wala namang mawawala kesa naman ma-depress. But of course she needs to do everything in her power to improve herself, and then God will do the rest. Hope this helps.

[marose17]

^  Good advice.

It is not merely physical beauty that makes one attractive.  Confidence plays a key role, you know.

@sprinkledust, your friend has to work on her self-esteem.  Maybe the reason why she does not have a boyfriend is because of how little she thinks of herself.  Her aura may not be good if she does not feel good about herself and maybe she is unconsciously repelling guys with her personality.

[slurpee]

janix athena gusto ko talaga mga advice mo pagdating sa mga ganitong topic. ang practical kasi eh, at makatotohanan.

[janix athena]

^Thanks sis! I believe kasi God helps those who help themselves. It's more fun kapag active tayo in building the life that we want, and not depend SOLELY on fate or destiny.

I still believe in destiny, you just have to help it along.

[sprinkledust]

Hi janix, do you think that even if the person is praying for help in liking herself so she can get out there more... but nothing is still happening, that God has a reason for it?

[appleberrycream]

Sis sprinkledust this is a serious question though... Is it really your friend who's nbsb or you? Or both of you? Anyway, the reason for not having a bf since birth varies, sometimes kase may mga babae talagang hindi ligawin. True yung sinabi ng isang sis natin dito na you have to make yourself attractive. Dress nicely and put some makeup on, believe me it can do wonders! Physical aspect is just the first step, of course you would want to keep the relationship with the guy so kailangan you also have a nice personality. A good personality is very broad, but I find that guy wants a girl who's not boring. Not naman totally adventurous, pero guys kase love girls who's outspoken, yun bang masarap kausap. My bf always tells me that being beautiful is the first step to catch a guy's attention, but what keeps them on dating you is your personality. He once dated a super pretty girl which according to him is, isang tanong isang sagot. Very lame. Pang display lang daw talaga. Harsh words but that's the truth with most men. Kaya ako, I believe more than sa looks you have to improve more on your character/personality.

[Girltalker2]

Dear janix athena and adellaide,

I know you guys said to make yourself feel good like magpaganda and be sociable and to love yourself more... But my friend doesn't even feel good about herself, she feels so ugly and just wishes she was someone pretty, smart, etc.

Thanks for your posts.

sis, your friend can dream all she wants.  pero the question is, is she willing to do something about it?  kasi kung feeling nya ugly sya at ugly sya forever.  tapos magw-wish nalang sya lagi sa wishing well na sana may mangyaring himala without her lifting a finger, wala talaga mangyayari sa kanya.

so nasa sa kanya din how to make herself not ugly. 

[janix athena]

Hi janix, do you think that even if the person is praying for help in liking herself so she can get out there more... but nothing is still happening, that God has a reason for it?

God wants you to like yourself sis. He doesn't want you (or your friend) to be stuck in that mindset forever. Maybe you need to go through a process, the journey is painful but at the end God wants you to reach your goal (a better version of yourself). Think of a caterpillar, kailangan nyang magdaan sa different stages in life but the design is for it to be a butterfly in the end.

Here are some insights which helped me have better self-esteem (when I have those down moments)

1. When you look good you feel good. It could be as simple as wearing nice underwear (kahit hindi naman kita ng madlang pipol), or putting on light make-up, or wearing a dress that makes you feel pretty, or getting a nice haircut. Maraming ways. You don't have to look like a model pero yung konting improvement lang will have an impact on your confidence na.

2. Exercise - releases endorphines (happy hormones).

3. Eat bananas and other endorphine-releasing food  - happy hormones again

4. Follow your heart - do something that you love. When you develop your talents/skills you'll feel happier and more empowered. You'd feel you're going in the right direction.

4. Help others. Minsan we need to divert focus from ourselves and reach out. Try it, kapag may tao kang napasaya mas masarap sa pakiramdam, ang result babalik sayo yung happiness na naibigay mo, minsan double and three-fold pa.

    -Kaya siguro iba ang high na naibibigay ng mga volunteering activities: Gawad Kalinga, Habitat for Humanity, etc. , or even as simple as comforting a friend in need.

Minsan when I look back and remember the times that I didn't like myself, it was because I was thinking too much of what other people think of me, and because of selfishness.  So the antidote - generosity, and self-awareness/presence of mind.

Example: When you walk into a room full of people, do you think "Here I am! Look at me!" or "Here YOU are! I'm so glad you're here!" Tip: When you're worrying about what other people think of you (Am I pretty enough, am I interesting enough?) -- DON'T. They're not thinking of you. They're thinking about themselves. That's true 95% of the time, according to Dale Carnegie, author of "How to Make Friends and Influence People".

Be interested in other people. When you're engaged in a conversation, do you show interest in what the other person has to say, or are you more interested in saying the right words and making the right impression? Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh at your mistakes.

[Girltalker2]

To break it down objectively, we girls feel embarrassment on being an NBSB because we feel it's a sign that we are not lovable. We think if guys find out we've never had a bf at a certain age they'll be turned off, kasi para tayong item sa "ON SALE" rack pero wala paring bumibili. We feel pangit. (Masakit marinig pero girls really do feel this way sometimes, especially yung mga mukmok types).

I agree with sis adellaide and sis marose17, it boils down sa confidence ng tao. Kahit pa kantyawan ka na hindi nagka-bf, ang sagot lang naman eh SO? SA AYOKO EH!

[Girltalker2]

God wants you to like yourself sis. He doesn't want you (or your friend) to be stuck in that mindset forever. Maybe you need to go through a process, the journey is painful but at the end God wants you to reach your goal (a better version of yourself). Think of a caterpillar, kailangan nyang magdaan sa different stages in life but the design is for it to be a butterfly in the end.

Here are some insights which helped me have better self-esteem (when I have those down moments)

1. When you look good you feel good. It could be as simple as wearing nice underwear (kahit hindi naman kita ng madlang pipol), or putting on light make-up, or wearing a dress that makes you feel pretty, or getting a nice haircut. Maraming ways. You don't have to look like a model pero yung konting improvement lang will have an impact on your confidence na.

I like this pos sis janix!   

Totoo, may mga times ng I was hesitant to dress up.  Nung nasa Pinas pako, kasi naman, hindi safe.  I had that reason. Di ako makapag mini skirt or shorts when commuting for practical reasons.  Pero ngayon na I am not in Pinas and in a much safer country, gooo!   

Meron naman times na nadya-dyahe ako magheels. Kasi mga officemates ko, lagi nalang nakaflats.  Naisip ko din lately, eh ano ngayon kung gusto ko magheels. Gusto ko eh!  Why let other people judge me?  Tapos they hate dressing up, yes naging losyang din ako for a time dito kasi panay work inatupag ko, and essentially I DID NOT FEEL PRETTY - and I hated it. 
So now, bahala sila if they think overly maarte ako, basta I am happy with myself. And aminado ako, vain ako at maarte. So what?     Kaya ngayon, wala akong paki. I wear my 4-5 inch heels to work.  O di ba, ako ngayon pinakamatangkad.  Some would comment - taas ng heels mo.  I would just smile.  Then mamaya may lalapit, I like your hair color. Ganun din ako, smile lang. hahaha  I am also trying to revamp my wardrobe and wearing more skirts now (hindi naman mini sa work kasi at my age, gusto ko parin naman respectable ako haha). It is knee-length or below knees - and believe me, it makes heads turn - in a positive way. 

[Girltalker2]

2. Exercise - releases endorphines (happy hormones).

3. Eat bananas and other endorphine-releasing food  - happy hormones again

4. Follow your heart - do something that you love. When you develop your talents/skills you'll feel happier and more empowered. You'd feel you're going in the right direction.

Sis, i-quote ko ulit ito ha.  I have a friend na lagi nalang sinasabi - hindi kasi ako sporty type.  Sabi ko naman, sige ok lang. Pero what do you like to do ba?  Be it studying another language, cooking, drawing/sketching - gooo!  pursue what you like!  don't think ano iisipin ng iba? 

Gusto mo magpole dancing, eh di gooo!  And once you do something well, tuloy tuloy na yan. 

You have only one life to live, why live it miserably?

4. Help others. Minsan we need to divert focus from ourselves and reach out. Try it, kapag may tao kang napasaya mas masarap sa pakiramdam, ang result babalik sayo yung happiness na naibigay mo, minsan double and three-fold pa.

    -Kaya siguro iba ang high na naibibigay ng mga volunteering activities: Gawad Kalinga, Habitat for Humanity, etc. , or even as simple as comforting a friend in need.

Minsan when I look back and remember the times that I didn't like myself, it was because I was thinking too much of what other people think of me, and because of selfishness.  So the antidote - generosity, and self-awareness/presence of mind.

Example: When you walk into a room full of people, do you think "Here I am! Look at me!" or "Here YOU are! I'm so glad you're here!" Tip: When you're worrying about what other people think of you (Am I pretty enough, am I interesting enough?) -- DON'T. They're not thinking of you. They're thinking about themselves. That's true 95% of the time, according to Dale Carnegie, author of "How to Make Friends and Influence People".

Basta do good, do things you like (SAFELY). Don't over analyze things. 

Be interested in other people. When you're engaged in a conversation, do you show interest in what the other person has to say, or are you more interested in saying the right words and making the right impression?

Getting to know people is also interesting for me. Gives you different perspective about things. It also broadens your frame of mind. Unless you find others not interesting, you should also widen your reach, meet more people din. Masasanay din sya and eventually, before you know it, di na sya mahiyain. 

Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh at your mistakes.

True!  so what kung madapa ka?  Next time, alam mo na! 
I recall wearing this 4 inch heels one time. Tapos ang pangit ng flooring ng sidewalk, such that nastuck yung heels ko in one of the butas.  A gal helped me to get out of it! haha Next time I walk there, tiptoe na! O di ba, mas sexy daw. 

Another time, I was taking the bus, my bag's strap got stuck in between the seats!  Eh kelangan ko na bumaba!  I had to tell the driver (buti nalang sa banda harap ako nakaupo), can you wait for me because my bag is stuck!  I just smiled while pulling my bag - sabi ng driver, take your time. Then there's this good looking guy asked me - you need help?  Sabi ko YES with a big smile and Thank you after!  haha   

[adellaide]

To break it down objectively, we girls feel embarrassment on being an NBSB because we feel it's a sign that we are not lovable. We think if guys find out we've never had a bf at a certain age they'll be turned off, kasi para tayong item sa "ON SALE" rack pero wala paring bumibili. We feel pangit. (Masakit marinig pero girls really do feel this way sometimes, especially yung mga mukmok types).

This is true and I understand this, and this is also what's wrong sa mga NBSBs.

Having a bf does not validate if you're lovable or not. Dapat baguhin ang ganyan mentality, learn to differentiate if you should work on your appearance or yung mismong being lovable. Kung matter of attractiveness (bakit di pinopormahan etc...) ang insecurity it means pwede pang mabago. Ngayon if unlovable eh ayun medyo mahirap na yan...lol.

Tell your friend to always bear in mind that there are those far worse and better (in whatever aspect) than you, so might as well make do of what you got then enhance/hone it instead of wallowing in insecurity. 

[marienmarien]

Learn to reinvent yourself. Start  telling your friends you are open to dating. Go to places where alot of single guys are also there.