This is going to be a lengthy story, but here goes:
My bf pursued me for almost 2 years, on and off, before I finally relented and said 'yes.' I say on/off because he had a notorious past where I heard that he had a girlfriend and some flings on the side.
The news of all that came too late, when I had began falling for him too. So it was my head battling with my heart kaya ko siya nireject many times to the point I was almost pushing him away. I was hurt and angry, after all.
So it came to a point that I could no longer bear being without him, so I said yes to the relationship. He separated himself from his 'ex' who, according to him, wouldn't leave him alone, to be with me.
The first few months were great, yung pagsasama namin was peppered with fights din from time to time, mostly due to my mistrust. Nagkwento kasi sya about his past, per my request, and I learned that babaero pala talaga sya. So when I learned that, mas naging paranoid ako, and syempre sumunod na din yung my constantly checking on him. So nasakal na din sya with me being overprotective of his whereabouts.
I got this a bit under control eventually and naging okay kami, not great, pero okay. Then on our 11th month, there was a day na hindi ko sya makontak. My instinct flared up na something was wrong. He called me the next day and told me that there was an emergency at home and things were too hectic and that he wasn't able to charge his phone.
I accepted his reason but later that night, I checked his ex's FB page (I don't know why), but I saw a pic of them together. I was devastated, confronted him and he told me the pic was not true. You see, yung ex nya was so hung up on him she keeps recycling pics from their time together to pass it off as recent. Sabi nya dating pic na daw yun.
I knew he was lying so I kept my eyes and ears open from that time. I investigated until the signs became more apparent. It was a given na that he was cheating on me and I kept asking about it pero he denied everything pa din even though giveaway na yung mga bagay na nakita ko. It came to a point that I contacted the girl and she told me they were still together.
Pinili kong mag bulag-bulagan kasi with what I discovered, nag kick-in na din yung fear of losing him and it was a moment I realized that I loved him so much. I still stayed with him pero madalas na kami mag away because my feelings of being cheated on was strong. Nagduda na ko sa kanya and everytime he didn't call or text, nag aaway na kami.
Until 1 day, an anonymous person contacted me to say that my bf was with the girl. Hinamon ako ng nagtext to see for myself (after a few insults), and kahit hindi nagbigay ng location, I went to the hotel that my bf once told me they frequented nung sila pa dati. Sure enough, his car was parked there.
I left and later confronted him. Inamin nya na because he was caught and we broke up. A couple of days of no contact later, he reached out to me to apologize and asked me to take him back. I did. Kasi mahal ko.
But I wasn't past the trauma of the incident and somehow, someway I kept bugging him for answers to what and why it happened which he did not want to give because he said that it will make things worse and would only lead to fights. Sure enough, we still fought and he would not speak to me for a few days after kasi it was that bad.
Things got better after a while, and he told me na tama na muna yung samin and aayusin nya muna yung problema nya, which meant ending things with the ex. So i waited and waited, until I got frustrated and I kept asking him how things were going which irritated him eventually kasi ang kulit ko na. I kept telling him na if he can't end things with her, to just tell me and I will go away. But all he kept saying was "We're okay."
Kahit hindi na kami technically, we still acted na kami pa pero less showy to the people around us. He and I are workmates, and yung department niya had an outing, one time. I asked to go but he told me that it was not allowed to bring anyone outside. He was a manager and I knew he could pull some strings, pero he said he didn't want to go against the wishes of the people under him. Sabi ko they knew I was his girlfriend, so it was not a big deal. Still, sabi nya he can't take me.
Sobrang nagtampo ako and after that trip, he withdrew from me. He still contacted me and we were together most times pero there were incidents na distant sya. So out of frustration, sinabi ko sa kaniya na if he doesn't want to be with me or give the other girl up, because i don't know naman if may progress yung 'inaayos nya,' then maybe we should end it. Hindi siya sumagot until the next day I asked. Sabi nya wala daw sya masabi basta 'We're okay.'
Nalaman ko din after na sinama nya pala yung girl sa outing na yun and everyone kept mum about it kasi they didn't know if they should tell me. I was devastated. Niloloko ako and ipinahiya pa ko. I felt so betrayed. Sobrang iyak ako that day. Our mutual friends found out and they gave him a piece of their mind by posting their feelings in the chat group we had.
He and I talked it over the next day and I could see that he had not slept yet. He finally confessed everything to me. He told me that he had come to a point in his life that he wanted to be with someone and he was determining if it was her or me. He told me that what he did was wrong and inexcusable. He refused to let me go because he said he did not want to let me go but he was giving me the choice to leave now if it was what I wanted. He said he realizes that I deserve better than him.
But the problem is, I love him. Despite what he did to me, mahal ko siya. And I can't bear letting him go. I know this is no longer right. Pero I see him pa frequently because we work together kaya nare-reinforce din yung feelings. Hindi niya rin mapangako sakin if he will stop seeing her pero he said I give it time kasi things are so complicated that he can't fix or end everything overnight.
I want to stop. But i don't know how to begin. I can't leave my work din because I have responsibilities din. I've been working here for 3 years, same as him.