I feel like a maid.

[gnela_21]

hi mlee, I've been a reader of your blog before, I've commented once or twice but I can't find your blog anymore and the only ones I can see is about Pino. I feel bad for you sis, i know it's different since you also live here in US and you have a non-filipino husband. I'm actually surprise a bit, since I know that most westerns know how to live by themselves (pick-up after themselves).

I hope that you'll be able to get over your issues soon. All of our sisses' advices are real sound. I sincerely hope that you and husband will be ok soon. Happy Holidays.

[Paulo]

Dear Inday,



Okay, first things first, ... Unless you feel like it's also your duty to "spoil" your husband then I think drawing the line and drawing it clearly will do your relationship a lot of good. Some people nga talaga are insensitive. Men, more often than women. And the best way around that is to simply deny them the things you believe aren't due to them. Like instead of picking up his mess, call his attention to the mess he's made. And the next time he criticizes your cooking, don't cook at all for like a week, or up until he apologizes for not appreciating Soup that's smartly incorporated into Rice.


Was your husband too sheltered or was spoiled by his folks? Because very often, men who were raised like 'Dons' by their parents have the tendency to expect the kind of service-oriented attention from their wives and even their kids. They want the best food cooked just the right way. Their clothes stacked-up neatly and in accordance to what they want to wear during the time they want to wear it. And when they get home, they feel like they deserved to be treated like Royalty precisely because that's how things worked back when he was with his folks.

The solution is simple. Get a helper. That's the only way for it to work. You can of course take up the stuff the helper can't accommodate but since a lot of the household chores especially the ones that involves cleaning or preparing can be relegated to the helper, then you'll have enough energy and patience to the stuff THE KING requires of his loyal subjects when he comes home.

Of course this could be one of those marriages where someone who happens to be fine with a little mess married someone who's so neat, tidy, and a clean-freak. Also a case of someone who wants his food 'perfect' married someone who can't cook anything that isn't microwave-able or be prepared by simply adding Hot Water. Which is actually a case of two personalities clashing and nothing more than that.

This is also a common predicament for the Modern Stay At Home Wives. The modern times apparently is too hectic and the pressure is much greater than it was during the days that Stay At Home Wives were actually considered luckier .... that's back in the mid 60's to the late 70's.

Sometimes, doing the household chores which includes raising the kids and preparing for the family's needs day in and day out will take it's toll on the err ... mental state of the wife. They feel inferior. Insecure. Over Worked and Unappreciated. And that is where the local hunk courier, the aggressive plumber, or the barely legal paperboy comes into the story ... wait. This is an actual situation pala. Well, I'm sure you get my point. It's probably all a matter of you being burned out and too exhausted that a timely break is probably in order. We all need to re-energize. .... Uwi ka muna sa probinsya. Este, ... Ha-ha-ha-ha. Biro lang. Ask for the break that you deserve.

Hope that helps.

[Lady Croft]

sa tingin ko ang pagkuha ng maid eh hindi solusyon.. siguro kung may anak na si sis, pwede pa.. pero kung kayo palang 2 sa pamilya, dapat responsibilidad mo na magsalita sa asawa mo..

sa tingin ko 2 lang ang rason kung bakit ganyan ang asawa mo:
1. lumaki at nakasanayan na ang nanay ang gumagawa ng lahat sa bahay
2. manhid at tamad lang talaga

ano ba sa 2 ang sagot?

you mentioned that your hubby agreed to clean the toilet? so if he agreed to do that part, why finish what he left off? why not tell him in a nice way that his chore is not yet finished and you will really appreciate it if he'll finish right away? (say this with a killer smile of course!) Wag mo gwin lahat sis kasi masasanay!Tama ang lahat ng sis, don't spoil him!

Sa part na pinahiya ka sa guests eh ibang usapan na yun. That kind of attitude must never be tolerated! You have to tell him how u felt and how you expect him to refrain from doing it again.

[hon3ykow]

you dont have to do everything,beside you are not a superwoman  doing all the lists for everyday life sis,you should talk with your husband in regards of that,open communication is the best thing you will kept in your marriage life right?heart to heart talk,he is your better half,he should know what are the things you might fed up.COMMUNICATE - is the answer 

[hon3ykow]

you dont have to do everything,beside you are not a superwoman  doing all the lists for everyday life sis,you should talk with your husband in regards of that,open communication is the best thing you will kept in your marriage life right?heart to heart talk,he is your better half,he should know what are the things you might fed up.COMMUNICATE - is the answer 

[artegirl]

naku sis, we're on a similar boat right now.  I also do almost all the chores - I clean the whole house since umalis maid namin.   Ang chore lang ni husband is to take out the trash and wash the dishes.  The big difference is I work full time (a demanding job in finance).  My husband knows that I will pick up after him but not his friends and family.  I also trained my husband that he cannot expect home cooked meals from me everytime (otherwise he will starve to death!) from day 1 of married life. 

sis, you have to set boundaries.  I remember in early days of our married life, 1 sa mga arguments namin is I'm not good with chores + magastos pa.  I told him that he should have had married someone like our helper kasi yun sobrang galing sa chores and super low maintenance.  Tell your husband that you're a wife not a helper.  If he doesn't like the food you cooked tell him something like "luto yan ng asawa mo, not your personal chef, so you will eat that". 

[amazingheart]

^tama ka sis, dapat naman talaga ganun. kaya sis dapat wag mo sanayin hubby mo ikaw din mahihirapan

[glamorosa_09]

sa US pala nakatira si sis eh at non-filipino ang husband...

medyo challenging... mahal din ang maid dun... open communication na lang ang key...

[mlee]

Hello Girltalkers,

Thank you so much for all the advices and for lending your time to read my problem. I really appreciate it. I feel I have friends I can talk to when I feel very alone. I live in the US and hiring help just isn't an option unless I have 3 kids.

Forgive my absence, it's been very busy with life and the holidays too.

My situation has improved slightly. A few weeks ago, I was able to talk with my husband and aired out a lot of things that I have been keeping inside for a year.

At first I thought I won't shed a tear and he will be defensive about his ways. But thank God, our talk turned out completely opposite. He listened to me, he was surprised about how I felt and had no idea he was causing me frustration.

My husband is Latin-American. He is the last of 10 kids and you guessed it right, he was very much catered to growing up. He was raised by 2 of his older sisters and his mom. They were a middle income family but he wasn't trained to help around the house. Unless it's fixing something that's broken.

Like Paulo mentioned, he is very particular with his food. And that's bec his parents allowed him to be when he was young.

Their culture is also one factor, I think. Men were to work and women were to cater to their family. I observe this when I visit my inlaws.

Lately, he's been helping out a bit. I also have come to realize, I have contributed to my own frustration. I have a very nurturing and helpful personality that I tend to 'help' as much as I can. Which includes, overdoing it often times.

I do feel relieved after talking to him and felt he respected me more after our talk.

hi mlee, I've been a reader of your blog before, I've commented once or twice but I can't find your blog anymore and the only ones I can see is about Pino.

Oh nice to know you used to read my blog. Thank you very much! I moved on to a new blog now and just haven't updated my signature here.

[Joycy]

I would have put in my two cents but it's not needed anymore.  All's well that ends well.

[PINKAHOLIC]

In my case, parang si hubby pa nga ang maid ko e LOL.

[prettykhae]

kausapin mo ang hubby mo kaya at tell mo yung feelings mo... you are a wife not a maid... oo, dapat pagsilbihan mo sila pero not to the point na lahat iutos sayo or pakuha...

[fegloria1954]

Early in our marriage I used to do everything - Mondays to Saturdays wake up early to prepare breakfast, then go to my office and then rush home to prepare dinner, and then stay up late to do the laundry.  Sundays I would spend going to the market and then cooking a lot of viands to put in the freezer.

Then we set up our own business.  We work the whole day in the office and then go home after work.  I continued to do all the home chores, and even if I would sometimes ask that he help me out because I too sometimes travel to our project sites and by late afternoon I would be as tired as he is, but he would not even help me.  And still he expected that dinner be served at 7pm, and breakfast - and the baons of our two children - are ready by 6am.

I felt like a maid.

After we did the RETROUVAILLE Program, I decided to be honest about my feelings as to my having to hold down a job and doing all the housework, even when I was as tired as he was.  I was confident he would appreciate that we were practically at the same level of tiredness after a whole day's work, since we both work in our family-owned business, that sometimes include field work.

Now more often than not he gets up ahead of me to prepare breakfast.  He also helps me with the laundry, if I ask him.

Now I don't feel like a maid anymore.

[norms]

when i was a child, like 6 or 7, i heard my mom and dad arguing over house hold chores. it was a scary moment for me. after a while, we had a house helper and everything went fine after that.

my mom says, be outspoken to your future husband. a happy mom is a happy family.

[amsalmo]

halos karamihan sa married girls yan ang prob. like me hirap mag handle Im full time mom hindi na ako na kapag work dahil sunod yung baby ayolo ipagkatiwala sa iba ang pag aalaga sa anak ko.so ayon na nga dahil nasa house lang ako siguro nga na sanay si hubs na darating sya maayos yung house pag dating nya kain na lang at 1st na keree ko pa nung lumalaki na mga bata kumukilit na at makakalat na madalas mainit na ulo ko kaya sabi ko sa hubby ko kahit yung pinag bihisan manlang nya maitabi nya dahil ang hirap nga dalawa alaga ko... habang tumatagal naman nag i_improve naman sya na ipag luluto naman na nya ako now ng breakfast.pero madalas maid parin ako hehe..

[ana mimi]

alam mo sis.. kausapin mo si hubby kapag ganyan..

may nakita na din akong ganyang mag-asawa

ginagawa talagang katulong si wife..

nakakaawa.. married life is supposed to be mutual satisfaction.