It's been a long time since I posted at FN again. Was checking out the marketplace to buy something but I said why not drop by the other forums. Sorry if this is a long post.
Well I just broke up with the father of the child I am carrying last month. He has a 4-yr old son with another woman and I allowed him to start seeing the son since August since I know how much he misses him. Then suddenly he had this urge to try it out with his ex again mainly because he has unfinished business with her. He was a very immature guy who is very selfish prior to my meeting him. So in effect he started to be more mature and mabait only with me and he feels he would like to do the same good things he did to me with her to see if it can work out or not. Mainly the reason he gave me was the son who needs him. And I can understand na when it comes to that talo ako. Its hard for him to leave me coz he loves me too and we will have a baby but he said wala pa kasi baby namin so mas matimbang yung isa. But honestly when I found out that the mother of his son is also in the picture, kahit gusto ko sya paglaban parang ayaw na rin ng utak ko eh. Kasi for me, gusto ko ako lang. Kahit sabihin nya he's still confused and have not really thought about who to choose between us, I helped him choose her coz if I allow him to stay, I dont want him to end up wondering what could have been if he went back to her. Actually we do have problems in the past coz he has a gambling problem (yeah I know I should have run when I found out but that time I wanted to help him coz he wanted to change). He did change gradually but he needs more time. (Yeah I know justifying the deed proving that love is blind). What I could not take is his cheating on me that I found out after we broke up. He told me so if he comes back to me and I still accept him it means I truly love him (Kapal talaga). I dont like making bantay to my bfs kasi eh and I dont expect them to cheat. That's what hurt me the most because I have had 9 BFs and he's the only one who cheated on me. Even if he tells me it was only twice compared to the dozen of times he would do it with his ex before, for me it's still a no-no. I do know it was a huge effort on his part to minimize his cheating ways for me but I know there are good guys out there who doesnt cheat.
Sumama ba loob ko when we broke up? Initially I got really hurt because I thought we were ok. I did break up with him many times before due to his gambling and each time naglulumuhod syang bumalik sakin. This time kasi I didnt have any hint or clue. So I felt wala akong kalaban laban. I missed him terribly at the start coz we were together everyday so its normal that I imagine him everywhere. But I am always friends with my exes so talking to him was not a problem to me. There are times he would tell me how unhappy he is, that his love for the other woman might have already evolved, na nabigla lang ata sya and how much he misses me. But I would ask him to think it through and make tiis with his GF. Maybe I was doing this because I am not ready to get him back because I know at the back of his mind he's trying to see if I would take him back. But whenever he asks me if I still love him or if I would still take him back I never give him any confirmation. Honestly I have never thought about it. I will cross the bridge when I get there. There was a time I was always angry with him whenever he texts or chatted with me maybe because I was trying to convert to anger the hurt I feel. I was also angry because I was trying to move on and here he comes texting me again after several days of not hearing from me. He did confess just recently that he is really selfish because he doesnt want me to let go. I told him that's really bad. But generally I am not angry. I am normal especially since I have a baby in my tummy. I am actually excited because I really plan to have a baby this year even when I was not sure if I would marry him. I only become angry when we talk and I think I do that because it helps me strengthen my decision to get over him.
After a month, I felt better. I was ok to be friends with him since he will be the father of my child. And maybe because sometimes he needs a friend to talk to. Whenever I ask him to talk to his brother or friends about his problems instead he would say they are not like that and I am the only one he can talk to sensibly. He's lucky that even if he is talking about his other woman Ive been very objective with my discussions with him. Lately, he asked me not to email or text him because his GF found out we are still communicating and is checking his mails and phone. He asks me to wait for his texts/calls. He said if ever they will break up he doesnt want it to be because of me. I said why the hell would I wait, if he wants to stop communicating he can say so and we can agree on that. And besides I have the right to contact him because of our child unlesss he disowns the baby and if his GF is insecure its not my fault.
Anyway, it's a new year now and I have good things to look forward to in 2010. I feel better becuase I know I have been honest in all my dealings and those who have wronged someone will get what they deserve. I am sure we hope our hearts function like our minds coz it will be easier. But I am also sure all us heartbroken ladies will be able to mend our hearts in time. All we really need is time. We have a lot of other things going on in our lives that we can focus on. Lets be productive.