Yes, I've fallen for him. I never planned this. I never even expected this would happen. All I know is that we've grown a little closer each day as good friends do. But this time, it's beyond my control. Believe me.
I love you. You know that. In 13 months that we've been together, I stayed faithful. I stayed so much in love with you that my world revolved around you, just around you. Until now.
I can't explain how it happened. I couldn't even admit to myself that this is happening now. I used to think that all those messages through the phone were simply messages. They didn't mean anything. I thought everytime we ate together every meal break, it was nothing. It only felt good not eating by myself. I had someone to share the food and the moment with. But I was wrong because I had the chance to eat with other people and so did he. Yet we chose to be together. To eat, to smoke together, to share stories with, to laugh with each other..To know each other better. To even like each other so much. I thought every moment we spent with each other was purely a product of a pure friendship but I was fooling myself. Because everyone who could see us would never think that we're simply friends. It's more than that. And yet we would never admit.
I am touched with the way he cares for me. He would never go home without making sure that I was on the bus safe with a friend. He would never sleep without making sure that I was already there lying on my bed about to create my dreams. He would always see me before our shift, he would aways make sure I've had my meals. He would always make sure I have the greatest mood at work. Otherwise, he would send my favorite song through email. He would even sing it for me. Remember how you hated my favorite song? How you thought it was so oldie and 'baduy'? Well, he liked it. He even downloaded it to his phone so he could share it with me.
Everyday he would make me smile. When I frown, he gets worried. And I like it when he's worried because he would automatically plant small kisses on my forehead. You know how I like being kissed on my forehead. He could make my heart skip a bit every time I see him, everytime I'm near him. I feel secure everytime he holds me like he's never letting me go. When he ties his fingers on mine, I feel like we're going to hold each other forever. I felt like a princess.
But it's just a feeling. It might not be true. Because he knows about you. He knows that he's just a sidedish. He fills your absence. He fills my emptiness. And he knows he's nothing more than a friend. Because of you.
And now I'm confused. And I'm guilty. It's because everytime I feel happy with him, I should be feeling happy WITH YOU. Everytime I laugh with him, I should be laughing with you. And everytime he says he misses me, you should be saying those words and i should be missing you as well, not him.
Don't get me wrong. You're fantastic. You are a great person and you have loved me so much that I don't think he could ever do the same. I loved you as well but I think it's not enough for me to stay this way with you. It's unfair. I'll be hurting you. And it would hurt me more knowing that I hurt the best person I have ever had in this world. I'm letting you go. Not because I'm gonna be with him. I'm not letting you go because I now belong to him but rather I'm giving us up so I could belong to myself, just to myself and not to anyone else.
I can't take him. It will not be fair. I know I will never be truly happy with him. Thinking that I left you because of him, it would just kill me. I'd better be on my own so I can stop hurting you both. I'm letting go of everyone so I could wallow on my own faults. Let me suffer.
