for the past few days i've been browsing through ur posts about ur own traumatic experiences with ur abusive partners, ur advices, how u dealt with it, ur confusions, and unrelenting pain... i wanted to cry but for some reasons, i couldn't bring myself to, perhaps because i'm still in a denial stage.
i've been with "E" (my partner) for more than a year now. our relationship has been a roller coaster ride. i kept on telling myself that it's ok.it's normal. everybody's going through this kind of problem anyway so why should i dwell on it.
"E" is a touchy person. he enjoys holding me. cuddling with me. he tells me stories of his childhood. he loves to crack jokes and make me laugh. he always wants to make me laugh and sees to it that i take care of myself.. he envisions his future with me.
i just so love his bubbly face and his eyes that can promise you everything...and can be as cold as ice in winter morning when he's not in the mood and in rage.
the first time he hurt me was quite unacceptable, at least, to those who had witnessed it. he choked me in public, and left me crying my lungs out, leaving marks of his fingers on my neck.i was in total shock... then i forgave him thinking that probably he was right. that it was my fault, that i somehow provoked him.
Then there were more bruises in my arms. he would slap my face several times whenever he's angry and couldn't control it. it hurt so much...physically...emotionally. he would be mad about my crying, my being sensitive and call it "pagiinarte". he would get mad whenever he asked me a question and i couldn't answer immediately..then i would always tell him that i'm a woman--emotional by nature and that it's ok for us women to cry. he would curse on me, tell me a lot of hurtful words, insult and mock me. he would threaten to break up with me everytime we fight. but then i still thought, probably he's just like that. i just need to accept him for who he is, that he's by nature a temperemental person, that i shouldn't provoke him. probably, i
was just being too sensitive...almost always, i would beg him not to leave.
That saturday afternoon was different, worse than the usual. We had a fight over something. think it was about me getting "pikon" of his pang-aasar. It was because i just got from my graveyard shift and so tired of having to walk under the blazing sun from our office to his place. i bought him some food to munch on thinking he would appreciate it. Unfortunately, he did not. It's just the way he is and i can bear with that. he's not an appreciative kind of person. It was probably his being inconsiderate that aggrevated the issue. he fired up. in rage once again. he dragged me from his room to their living room. ignore my nervous breakdown, insisting that i was just faking it.
I wasn't crying at all just like what he wanted me to do. i was lying in his bed, tired and wanting to just sleep and be "gone" for a while. He was tryng to talk to me and i was not answering back. He was trying to make me stand up which, apparently, i couldn't do coz i hadn't eaten yet nor drank a single glass of water for almost 12 hours. All of a sudden, a freezin' cold water came pourin' on my head. a lot of it went inside my left ear. he texted my mom that i was about to commit suicide. My mother
didn't have any inkling what was going on that time. they hardly know "E" ( as much as possible, i don't want them to be affected especially my daughter. i'm a single mom by the way. I want to put them under the impression that I am happy)...
I had a nervous breakdown, and i could no longer feel my upper body.. I begged him to bring me to a hospital. but he kept on slapping my face real hard. while he' was doing that, I suddenly came to a realization that it wasn't the physical abuse that
was so painful but the thought of wanting to be with him, spending the rest of my life with him, yet bearing with all of these beating just because i love him so much.....
walking away is easier said than done. i wish i already have the courage to finally do it...
now i'm crying again...