FN Blog - Seven heads are better than one!

If a group of artists approached me and asked me to pose in my birthday suit, I’d say, “Hell, yes! But you have to give me a year to get ready.” I mean, hey, if I’m going to be immortalized on canvass, there’s no way on earth that I’d allow myself to be captured in a painting with the cursed break-up weight I’ve happily packed on for the past few months.

Assuming that the artists would agree to wait, I’d immediately swear off all forms of junk food, red meat, and rice. I’d go on the South Beach wachamacallit and get myself a personal trainer to whip me into shape. I’d get Manny Pacquaio’s trainer because, gosh, Manny’s body looks killer each time he goes in training. I could also go for Marvin Agustin’s trainer. Heck, Marvin’s body looks hot these days.

Since I can’t afford to go to Vicky Belo or the Calayans, those beauty gurus to the stars, my next move would be to buy boxes and boxes of astringent, which I will use religiously to whiten the spots of me that aren’t supposed to be dark. (Don’t ask.)

Then I’d take posing lessons from watching all the seasons of America’s Next Top Model over and over again. I’d watch it day and night. I won’t watch regular TV anymore. I’d also stop reading newspapers and such informative literature that may stress me out and make me crappy.

I’d also forego sexual activities so that I’ll gain back a virginal glow that I’m sure the artists will be able to capture with their brushes.

As for my family…well, I don’t know how they’d react. I’m sure they’ll understand why I’d take off my clothes. It’s for art’s sake, after all. Besides, I can always say, “Mom and dad, they’re only going to pay homage to the stunning combination of your genes.” Or something.

If there’s any artist out there who’s interested, I’m available on October 1, 2008. I’m going on this life-changing total overhaul starting today.

But wait…I do have a substantial stash of chips in my cupboards. I can’t bear to give them away. I’ve already made a commitment to eat them. That’s a promise that I can’t break. So, okay, make that October 16, 2008. (Why October 16? Well, according to my calculation, I’ll be done with my junk food stash by October 16 this month. That’s at the rate of one bag of potato chips per day. I could eat the entire stash in one go—but I got blisters on my tongue the last time I did that.)

The lure of MSG-rich food is just too strong. Sometimes it’s stronger than the prospect of immortality via art. So, God knows, a girl needs time to swear off junk food.